30 September 2012

Really

I'm not sure if you can read the sign on this small factory between the godforsaken townships of Thorne and Moorends east of Doncaster. It says "The Real Yorkshire Pudding Company" and below there was this sign which gay men should not misinterpret!
Please understand that I was on the premises of The Real Yorkshire Pudding Company and not the Unreal Yorkshire Pudding Company. At the Real Company, ingredients used include milk, eggs, plain flour and pinches of salt. At the Unreal Company they use magic mushrooms, French brandy, ouzo, Nescafe and other hallucinogenic substances and liquids which regularly blow people's minds.

My advice is this - if buying Yorkshire puddings - either from a supermarket or some sort of eating place - you must ask  whether or not the Yorkshire puddings in question are real as the consumption of  unreal Yorkshire puddings can be extremely injurious to one's mental health.

You may be wondering what I was doing at The Real Yorkshire Pudding Factory. Well, I have been asked to star in a sequence of TV ads for the company, extolling the virtues of the humble pudding after which I took my famous pseudonym. Ideas to date include me canoeing down the River Wharfe in a giant Yorkshire pudding, singing "On Ilkley Moor" in a suit made from small Yorkshire puddings sewn together with bacon rind and distributing thousands of Yorkshire puddings to starving children in Lancashire. Possible slogans include "Keepin' It Real!", "It's the Real Thing!" and "Real em in!". Other advertising ideas will be most welcome.

20 comments:

  1. oh dear
    the gay stereotyping continues in deepest Yorkshire........

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  2. EARL GRAY Of course I was aware you'd probably read this silly post. Sorry if I have unwittingly caused offence.

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  3. You just have to include a Yorkshire Terrier both for the Ah! factor and the humour. The terrier is, of course, mad about Real Yorkshire Puddings.

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  4. I see two men walking into a pub. One orders a pint of heavy and a RYP, the other orders a lager and a meat pastie. Lagerman asks heavyman qhy he always eats RYPs, cos they're the best puds in the world says heavyman. Bet the next round your dog prefers my meat pie to your pud. You're on. a piece of each is laid on the floor. Yorkie sniffs the meat pie, goes to the RYP, sniffs that then goes back to the pie and picks it up. Told you! crows lagerman. The Yorkie trots across the bar, puts his paw on the pedal of the bin and drops the pie into it then trots back and devours the RYP. Your round I believe...

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  5. Sounds like a likely story YP. I specially liked Hippos joke too - Dave

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  6. Can't wait to see that advert!!!

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  7. Another one...

    I see a man sitting at a kitchen table eating a RYP. Behind him you see a Yorkshire Terrier repeatedly leaping into the air, whatever it is he is leaping for is off the top of the screen. Sound of front door opening and a woman’s voice, ‘I’m home Love, I hope you gave the dog plenty of exercise, you know he gets restless at night if he doesn’t!’ ‘I did Love’ he replies. ‘I expect the exercise did you some good too?’ She says. ‘Oh yes!’ he says popping the last of the RYP into his mouth whereupon she walks in and stops dead in her tracks with a look of amazement. Then you get the full shot of the kitchen showing a RYP hanging from the ceiling light just out of reach of the leaping terrier. The advert could end with something like ‘Real Initiative… Real Yorkshire Pudding!’

    The one about the dog in the bar could end with, ‘Real Clever… Real Yorkshire Pudding.

    Go on, get me a job in an ad agency, I'll work for real Yorkshire Bitter...

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  8. HIPPO Your terrier scenarios are sheer genius! Unless of course you had just consumed a couple of Unreal YPs deep in the Angolan bush. I shall contact some Yorkshire ad agencies to see if they have any openings for you.
    DAVE Yes but what about a scenario from you?
    JENNY Which advert? The Hippo Ad Company commercial? How about an ad from you? You could use Paddy and Jake as the stars pulling a load of Real Yorkshire puddings in a little cart or rescuing a distressed middle-aged caravanning couple from a flash flood in Barmouth.

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  9. Another one! (Tell me when to stop).

    Man sitting in front of the TV. Terrier trots off into the kitchen and comes back carrying an egg and places it on the floor and looks expectantly at his master. Guy carries on drinking his ale and watching TV. Dog trots off again and comes back pushing a bag of flour. Same thing. Dog trots off and comes back rolling a milk bottle. Same thing. Dog trots off and comes back with a salt cellar. At this the man relents and says, ‘Alright, Lad’ gets up and goes to the kitchen. Next shot is of the pair of them enjoying a RYP. This one ends with ‘Real Ingredients… Real Yorkshire Pudding’

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  10. Thanks for offering to help me find a job, Sir Pud. But I am not from Yorkshire, would they employ a foreigner?

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  11. Yet Another one!

    Man pulls onto his driveway and gets out of his car to open the garage doors. In the meantime, terrier puts his paw on the central locking, locking man out of car. Man comes back, realises he can’t get in because the keys are in the ignition, the engine is running, and the doors are locked. So he starts trying to coax the dog to press the central locking switch again. The dog beeps the horn. Man keeps pleading. Dog presses the windscreen wash wipe soaking man. Man keeps pleading and encouraging. Dog goes to push the auto lever into drive at which man becomes very agitated and his pleas more heartfelt. Suddenly the light dawns on man’s face so he goes into the house and places a RYP on the driveway where dog can see it. Dog immediately unlocks car, and as man opens door dog leaps out and devours it.

    Now, how would this one end? Real… I’m a bit stumped.

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  12. Man puts a banknote into an envelope and gives it to terrier who takes it in his mouth and trots off down the street. Dog comes to pelican crossing and sits down while he waits for little red man to turn green whereupon he crosses street, goes into shop and gives envelope to shopkeeper. Shopkeeper puts RYP and change into bag and dog trots off back home again. On the way dog sees gorgeous female terrier (cue romantic music) whereupon the two of them gambol off into the countryside and enjoy a romantic meal for two of RYP naturally. Terrier arrives home and man looks in bag and sees only a few crumbs of RYP and his change. Man looks a terrier enquiringly whereupon terrier looks towards door and female terrier appears. ‘You old Dog!’ says man affectionately.

    This one ends with ‘Real Love… Real Yorkshire Pudding!’

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  13. Hippo Stop, stop!!
    He's after you job YP.

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  14. If you want some real cheesy chutzpah, for the doggie love story, a close up of the female dogs name tag on her collar should read 'Mary Jane' and when the pair of them gambol through the gates into the park, the sign at the gate should say 'Ilkley Moor, please don't feed the ducks'.

    Man oh man you could have fun with these adverts. I mean Yorkshire has a rich seam of heritage and culture to be mined.

    Ok. I'll stop now.

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  15. I had heard that there were moves afoot to launch the Campaign for Real Yorkshire Pudding Tasting under the CRYPT acronym.

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  16. HIPPO As a foreigner you would need to be "vetted" before securing a job in our beloved county. "Vetted" is actually a euphemism for "neutered" but this would help you to pour all of your energies into the ad campaign instead of wasting time chasing our maiden secretaries around the office.
    SHOOTING PARROTS ...CRYPT? Don't be so cryptic! Fancy a job starring as a giant Yorkshire terrier in our ad campaign? You'll need a costume of course. What's your chest size? Do you want to be a dog or a bitch? Chum or Winalot?

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  17. Believe me, Sir Pud, I couldn't chase a pencil across my desk top. Neuter away, it will make bugger all difference! You recall in the fifties and sixties when they were hoiking out kid's tonsils and gave them ice cream afterwards? In Yorkshire when they slash a man's balls off, does he get a pint?

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  18. HIPPO He doesn't get a pint but he loses about a pint of blood before being stitched up with fishing line by a Hull trawlerman called Wilf.

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  19. "the consumption of unreal Yorkshire puddings can be extremely injurious to one's mental health"

    I agree. Perhaps you should put a warning at the top of your blog.

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  20. A burly Yorkshire fisherman called... Wilf? Please...

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