One-liners

⦿ My wife says she wants another baby - I'm so glad because I also really don't like the first one.

⦿ A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

⦿ I just read that in New York, someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

⦿ My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

⦿ I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was five.

⦿ I have many jokes about unemployed people – sadly none of them work.

⦿ Don't ever think you're completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

⦿ I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

⦿ The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

⦿ The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

⦿ I childproofed my house today. Somehow, they still got in.

⦿ My daughter asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose," I told her.

⦿ The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

⦿ I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

⦿ If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

⦿ My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

⦿ My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

⦿ I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that though.

⦿ I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

⦿ I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.

⦿ My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

⦿ I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

⦿ My wife says making love is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

⦿ I went to the restaurant last night, and I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

⦿ I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

⦿ I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

⦿ To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

⦿ My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

⦿ My grandfather lost his tongue during The Vietnam War. He never talks about it.

Have you got any others you care to share?