It was about a month ago. I was in the "Atkinsons" department store at the bottom of The Moor. I had gone in there specially to replace my aftershave lotion. My supply of "Old Spice" was running very low. As it happens, that preferred brand was not on display and may never be again so I picked another reasonably priced alternative called "Musk". Fortunately, it has no connection with Elon Musk.
As I was selecting my purchase, I heard the continuous screaming of a small child in a pushchair. It went on and on and when I reached the pay counter, the din continued. Behind the counter was a plump, bespectacled female shop assistant - about forty five years old. Our conversation went something like this...
ME I wish somebody would shut that child up!
ASSISTANT Me too. I've been watching the mother and she hasn't done a thing to quieten it.
ME It's not good to let a child get really distressed like that.
ASSISTANT I agree but what do I know about raising children?
ME What do you mean?
ASSISTANT Well I'm not a mother. I don't have any children.
ME Did you want to be a mother?
ASSISTANT With all my heart. It's the biggest regret of my life.
ME What happened?
ASSISTANT Well I needed a partner of course and it just didn't work out for me.
ME Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
ASSISTANT I was engaged to be married and the wedding was all planned but I broke it off a week before. As my granddad said, he was a wrong 'un. He was drinking too much and sometimes he got really nasty.
ME Did he hit you?
ASSISTANT Once he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into the bedroom. I was screaming at him to stop. I know I made the right choice... to end it I mean. But I would have loved to have a baby. I think I would have made a great mother. Now all I have got is my sister's kids. A boy and a girl and I love them to bits.
ME I suspect you would have made a good mother... Life can be so cruel. Often things don't work out the way we want them to... Anyway, it's been nice to meet you and thanks for sharing those private thoughts.
ASSISTANT Thanks for listening. Bye.
ME Bye.
I left the store feeling desperately sorry for that woman. It's one thing deciding you never want to have children but it's another thing being childless when your maternal instinct is strong and when becoming a mother seems key to your very existence. I imagined her getting old and that yawning gap in her life remaining painful to the very end. So sad.
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