30 December 2012

Tension

The 2012 award widget, specially
designed by Danny Boyle - architect
of the London Olympics' opening
and closing ceremonies.
The prestigious "Laughing Horse Blog Awards" are being held this very evening at the exclusive Whitley Hall Hotel in the northern outskirts of Sheffield. For those who are unaware of "Laughing Horse" and what it represents, let us just say that it is probably the most coveted award for anyone currently working in the blogging industry.

Previous overall winners have included:
My Dad's a Communist  by Daphne (2009)
Going Gently by Earl Gray(2010)
Shooting Parrots by Ian  (2011)
But every year there are subsidiary awards which are of course also gleefully treasured.

Bloggers have been arriving in Sheffield from every corner of the world, all eager to learn if their services to blogging willl be acknowledged by the Laughing Horse Awards Committee. Notable arrivals have included the eskimo blogger known as "Pole A Bear" and the Salt Lake City blogger "Baseball Mitt" who seems much greyer since he lost the US presidential election to the Chicago-based blogger "Don't Barrack Me Suckers!" 

Perhaps it was the jetlag that did it but after downing a couple of pints of Tetley's at the hotel bar Mitt found himself in a contretemps with Captain T. Gowans from Angola ("Hippo on the Lawn"). Gowans gripped the poor old bloke round the gullet and gruffly warned him - "Don't you EVER say that about Africans you ninny!" Naturally, Mr R.Henry Brague was the peacemaker and had to physically force himself between the warring pair.

Bathed in afternoon light, sitting in the alcove of the bar's bay window, several lady bloggers exchanged knitting patterns and cake recipes while simultaneously humming lullabies and darning their menfolk's holey socks. Multitasking as usual. But then brash Californian rancher Janice Blawat spoilt it all by passing round graphic roadkill pictures - squashed skunks, possums and endangered raccoons. Yet even she was trumped when New Zealander Katherine de Shovel arrived with a frightened brush tailed possum that had been squeezed into a plastic carry basket meant for cats or small dogs. She said its name was Art and when Helen from "Helsie's Happenings" and theatrical impressario Daphne Franks realised it was still alive, they screamed like hysterical schoolgirls. 

Elizabeth was on a bar stool sipping pina coladas while simultaneously admiring the cocktail shaking skills of Olaf the hotel's buff Swedish bartender. Then who should arrive but Colonel I. Hutson from "The Owl Wood". He shuffled up to Elizabeth with a military glint in his eye and ordered a small egg nog.

Impoverished Economically challenged bloggers have had to bunk up in the basement rooms of Whitley Hall Hotel. These are very basic airless rooms normally used by chambermaids and porters. Jenny from Wrexham (currently dressed in a silver body stocking) is with Shooting Parrots and Libby from "D-Scribes" is in with the lascivious and aforementioned Captain Gowans. Brian Cutts (currently dressed in a Spanish matador's outfit) and The Arctic Fox-Pimpernel are literally on bunkbeds. Meanwhile upstairs, the Regal Room with its Jacobean four poster bed is occupied by Earl John Gray and his professorial consort Sir Christopher Brainbox O.M.G.., author of  "A Brief History of The Trelawnyd Flower Show" in five volumes.

So the guests and nominees are gathered. In a few hours the results for 2012 will be known...

6 comments:

  1. Oh you do make me larf

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  2. Ohhh, the suspense is killing me.

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  3. The stress caused by having to physically force myself between Hippo of Angola and Salt Lake City Mitt has seriously depleted my energies. My long-anticipated round-trip channel swim must wait until after the ceremonies.

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  4. If we see the New Year first here ( And I'm including Katherine from NZ here) do we also get the news about the award first too? or do we have to wait till the rest of the world catches up with us ?( as usual !!)

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  5. I have to confess, Mr Brague, I was a little out of order and am grateful our host graciously put it down to jetlag and an availability of real ale I was unaccustomed to. As a professional, I was enormously impressed with the speed you had me in a head lock and Accident and Emergency staff have informed me that the arm you dislocated so expertly should be alright in a week or two so long as in the meantime I lift my pints with my left hand. Oh, how the A&E team roared when they saw just where you had inserted my glasses but I thought it damn decent of you to fold the arms first. Having bested me so convincingly, I tip my hat to you Sir. How old did you say you were when you were biting my ear off and calling me a young punk?

    Sir Pud

    As is so often the case among fighting males with gravel rash on their knuckles, Mitt the Twit and Gobber Gowans are now best friends and I have invited him to Angola for a hunting safari. Recognising that he is a member of the World Wildlife Fund I have told him that it would be OK to shoot a few natives instead as they are not a particularly endangered species.

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  6. BTW, lascivious?

    In thought only, not in deed. It now takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.