Two of my favourite blogs are "Bless Our Hearts" and "Sparrow Tree Journal". Recently and separately the erudite authors of these blogs referred to feeling blue. No particular reason, Just an ineffable sense of feeling down in the dumps.
For both Jennifer and Mary that dark, empty feeling may have been just a fleeting phase. Perhaps now they are back in the sunshine again. I hope so.
Their references to their black moods stuck with me and I thought about them even as I was rambling from Youlgreave the other day. We all want to be happy, to embrace happiness every day of our lives but in spite of ourselves most of us are incapable of nailing our colours permanently to the happiness mast.
Our moods rise and fall like currency graphs. We may don emotional armour and display to the world out there that we are okay when sometimes we are crying inside. The reasons are usually impossible to pin down.
Of course one might feel blue when bad stuff has happened. The loss of a pet. An unpleasant remark from a friend. Stress at work. Catching a nasty virus. But very often blue feelings can threaten to overwhelm us without reason or logic. You just feel down - secretly inside yourself. And more often than not you don't talk to anybody about the sensation. You just carry on, hoping that the graph will rise again.
We are all social beings but there's a part of each one of us that feels solitary. It's that voice inside our heads. The one that pulls us this way and that. Criticising us, complimenting us. There when we wake and there when we fall asleep.
Yes. It would be good to buzz with happiness every day of our lives but that's not the human way. We have our vulnerabilities, our hopes, our fears, our regrets. Arguably, we might be incapable of relishing periods of happiness if we didn't also have our dark days.
Through this blogpost, I wish to come out and admit that like Jennifer and Mary I also feel blue from time to time. The ever present voice screams silently inside and I torture myself with past failures, wondering when or if happiness will shine again. In a dark dungeon water drips and an unseen creature scuffles in the corner. That's just the way it is.