Okay, so what can I blog about tonight?
I know.
Owing to a change in management, Mick, Mike and I have not been quizzing at "The Hammer and Pincers" in recent weeks on Sunday nights. Instead, we have been going down to "The Robin Hood" at Millhouses. This involves the assistance of two spouses. Shirley takes us down there and Mike's wife - Jill brings us home. It's very kind of them.
Tonight we won the Sunday quiz at "The Robin Hood" and as per usual the three of us got to chat like old fish wives mending nets. We know each other so well and feel very comfortable in each other's company. There's no points scoring and no need for masks. You can say what you want without fear of judgement. Plus - we like each other.
We happened to be talking about care homes and dementia. I happened to ask Mike a question.
"Did your mum die in a care home Mike?"
It was like igniting a pile of firewood.
Mike revealed that on her deathbed, his mother's last words had been, "I'm sorry Michael".
She was an Irish nurse who left County Roscommon just after World War II. She arrived in North Manchester and soon fell in with Mike's father, George. Nature ran its course and quite quickly she was pregnant.
A few months later, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl who they named Susan. But George was not into the idea of becoming a father or getting married so Susan was put out for adoption.
Later, Mike's mother and father married and set up home together in the town of Oldham. There they raised three children - Mike and his two known sisters. He only learnt about Susan when he was in his mid-sixties.
He told his two other sisters about Susan following their mother's funeral back in Ireland. They had no idea.
The three siblings agreed that they would leave Susan in peace. There was no need to disturb her equilibrium with news about a family from which she had been excluded soon after birth.
However, one of the sisters - the annoying one - soon broke that agreement and off her own bat contacted Susan.
Susan replied that she was on her own in retirement, living a contented life and she had no wish at this late stage in her life to start playing happy families. It might prove too disturbing, too upsetting. Apparently, she lives over in Southport on the Lancashire coast.
And so eight years on from the day Mike's younger sister made contact with Susan, no further communication has happened.
But tonight I couldn't help feeling that the right thing to do would be to reach out to Susan with sensitivity, kindness and love - to bring her back into a family web from which she had been cast off. The woman will be approximately seventy eight years old now. Am I being too damned romantic to feel that it is never too late? Perhaps proper contact would help her to feel truly whole. What do you think?
Old fishwives' mending nets !
ReplyDeleteI wish a fishwife would make me a fish pie with flaky pastry or filo on top.
A pie with smoked haddock, unsmoked haddock, king prawns, boiled egg,
potatoes, tomatoes, sweetcorn.
I'd eat it with a bottle of cold dry cider from Normandy.
Any fishwife worth her salt would tell you to get a sandwich from The Co-op.
DeleteHas Mike checked that she is still alive? It seems she had very negative thoughts about meeting and if she had any doubt about her decision back then, I think within the eight years, she would have been in touch.
ReplyDeleteThat is possible. I think that if Mike had contacted Susan in the first place, the response would probably have been different.
DeleteAn in-law of mine has a grandmother in care with dementia. Granny never mentioned the child she put up for adoption until she didn't know what she was saying.
ReplyDeleteThe child has been found and will visit not only his siblings but his birth mother.
This is the result I quietly hoped for so if you are a romantic fool, I am moreso.
I believe this stuff is important and even if the mind can't understand, maybe the body or the soul do.
Having said that, the wishes of the adopted must be respected. They have already been traumatised by their situation and adding disrespect would add to the damage
Of course any further communication would have to be very thoughtful.
DeleteMy whispered word of wisdom is..."Let it be."
ReplyDeleteI feel for Susan and for the missing piece in Mike's family life.
DeleteAbsolutely, but sometimes it's just too late to unscramble the egg and there is a risk of making things worse. I get the feeling that Susan isn't amenable to the proposition that her life is in some way incomplete and that she could be made whole by establishing contact. It may matter little to her that Mike and her other siblings also feel there is something to be made whole for them. She may also have feelings of loyalty to her adoptive parents. I agree with your implicit suggestion that the "annoying" younger sister has queered the pitch (I was worried for a moment that this might be a sporting metaphor but I'm happy to see that it isn't) by her initial solo approach. I think this puts me on the same page as Kylie.
DeleteI did have a friend who was in a similar position and who established contact with the eldest sibling who had been given up and that was a happy outcome for them, but I can't remember all of the details, other than that it was at an earlier age for them all. They were in their twenties and the mother was still alive though I think not the father who died young shortly before. Also, I don't think at the time this could occur other through intermediaries and possibly also in circumstances where the adopted-out child was also reaching out to contact their birth parents.
I think I'd lean towards respecting Susan's wishes, even if I hoped for a different outcome. She's the one who lost the most and should have the final say.
ReplyDeleteOf course. It should not be pushed.
DeleteI would respect what Susan said. She made it clear she's not interested in "playing happy families".
ReplyDeleteMaybe she was putting up a shield, denying herself the possibility of potential enrichment.
DeleteStay out of it. It's none of your business.
ReplyDeleteI'm not "in it" Debra and I am rather puzzled by your remark.
DeleteIt's a very touchy topic so each person has to make their own personal decision. It's difficult when there is no agreement. My daughter found her mother and the relation ship has had a few ups and downs. My son has absolutely refused any meeting. No one has come looking for him.
ReplyDeleteThese things run deep even when an abandoned human puts up the shutters.
DeleteThat is a tough one. Susan has good reasons for not wanting to be in touch, and her wish should be respected. Her siblings aren‘t to blame for what happened, and it is natural that they would want to include their oldest sister, but if she doesn‘t want that, it‘s her decision and so be it. Another gentle try after eight years could make a difference - or not.
ReplyDeleteI entirely agree with your final point Meike.
DeleteI regularly watch a TV programme called Long Lost Family which unites parents with their children given up for adoption (or adopted children with their birth parents). Sometimes, siblings will search for adopted siblings too. Of course the programme only highlights the happy endings and I have no idea whether there are some who don't want to be united who don't then get to be on the programme. In the case you mention, it might be worth giving the adopted sister a second chance now she has had a few years to mull it over, as her initial response might just have been shock. She may be willing to test it out and see how it goes, but of course she may think at this stage of her life that she has managed so far without them. It could go either way but a second chance to refuse again or accept would be my advice.
ReplyDeleteI think the "second chance" idea is a good one. The sister who got in touch in the first place is not the most tactful of people.
DeleteI think Andrew is right. She has had time to consider and make a decision. Reigniting those old embers may not be a good idea.
ReplyDeleteOr she might be denying herself the enlightenment that truth could bring.
DeleteI'm not sure, but I think that I think (...) that as an attempt of contact was in fact made by one of the sisters, and declined, it was probably better to leave it be. Do you know if Susan grew up knowing she was adopted or not? I'm thinking there' may be a difference in reaction depending on if one has always been aware that unknown half-siblings might turn up out of the blue some day (and plenty of time to decide if one would welcome that or not), or if it comes as a total surprise at age 70...
ReplyDeleteI believe that she always knew she was adopted but knew nothing about her birth family.
DeleteVery complicated and personal issues. I was at a family holiday dinner one time, when the doorbell rang with a son, placed for adoption 50 years before at the door, his mother ended up curled up on the floor crying for hours.
ReplyDeleteThe definition of traumatic is tied up therein.
DeleteLeave it be - you don’t know her and she doesn’t know you.
ReplyDeleteHell, I am only pondering the matter so how can I "leave it be"? Don't you ever ponder things?
DeleteMy view is that Susan said her piece and why muck it up. If she were too, perhaps,. change her mind, and I don't think she would, then she could make the next move.
ReplyDeleteYou may be right though I believe in truth. Denial of truth is never healthy.
DeleteI can't urge you enough to let it be. Don't rob an elderly woman of her, possibly hard won, peace of mind on some romantic notion of yours. And who says she doesn't feel "truly whole"?
ReplyDeleteAnd, sorry, to say, YP: Yes, sometimes it's too late. I applaud Mike's and his other sister's [not the meddler] to respect Susan's wishes.
U
I don't think any of this is any of our business. It's a deeply personal family issue fraught with possible pain and suffering. Unless someone has been through the experience of having to give a baby up for adoption or been the child who was adopted in such circumstances, we have no way to understand. And even if we have, the circumstances are different in every situation.
ReplyDeleteSurely any human business is our business and we are allowed to mull it over.
DeleteI would leave her be. They asked and she said no. If she wanted to change her mind, she would have reached out.
ReplyDeleteYou are not the first commenter to advise me to "leave her be" when I have no intention whatsoever of intervening.
DeleteNo, I said that "I would leave her be". I didn't think that you would intervene, Neil.
DeleteYou have obviously never met my own messed up family. I can see why Susan wouldn't want to be a part of a family she never knew and who put her up for adoption. Let sleeping dogs lie.
ReplyDeleteIt is very likely that throughout her life she has felt an aching sense of absence.
DeleteIt's a conundrum. Had it been the other way round, and the adopted sister had made contact, it would be easier to pursue a relationship. It seems as if she's happy and has her own life, but one can never truly know how others feel, unless they say truthfully.
ReplyDeleteWise reflections Janice. A "conundrum" indeed.
DeleteI would say the call is entirely Susan's. If she is uninterested, pushing what might be "good for her" is both unwise and inappropriate. If she's lived over 70 years without wondering about or yearning for her birth family--and we don't know how much she knew about this before being contacted--she has grounds for not wishing to go through the upset such reconnection would bring.
ReplyDeleteAs one or two others have suggested, a second contact might be worth a try. Mike would do it much more thoughtfully than the sister who made the first contact.
DeleteHaving reread the post and the comments and responses, I now understand it better. My apologies, I thought you were considering contacting her.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am sorry if I unwittingly gave you the wrong idea Traveller.
DeleteI traced my birth family 13 years ago- curiosity. Father doesn’t want to know- but his brother sent me pictures. I know who I look like now… Mother seems lovely and we chat occasionally and I do chat to an older sister. But I’m still a secret to most . We live in many different distant countries and have never met. It’s nice to know the genetic tie- but my family are the people that raised me, gave me everything. I have a brother and cousins- two of which are also adopted, both of which have traced family with varying success and one sees mother occasionally. I feel strong ties to those who shared my parents / siblings and their values and our wonderful shared memories. It’s hard work to create bonds with strangers even if you are genetically related. There is a fascination seeing people that slightly look like me when the only genetic relationship I know is my children and I’m glad I looked ...but totally understand if she just wants peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this Fi. After years and years for some people it is far too late for restoration and proper bonding. The ship has already left the dock but for some others the reconnecting is like a remedy - filling in the gaps.
DeleteMaybe the sister said no as she just found out that her parents later married and had more children. Very different from what she might have assumed was a single mother with no support. I think a second gentle contact might be worth it from Mike.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you J. He is a very nice man and would handle it all differently from his sister.
DeleteIts like an episode of Long Lost Family. Send Davina and Nicky in to sort it all out.
ReplyDelete