Memorial

Seeing the grave monuments to the Collins brothers at Shiregreen caused me to consider my own demise as I drove along the motorway to Hull this morning. Naturally, I was off to watch Hull City draw 2-2 at home to Everton.

I have decided that when I die, my family will be instructed to build a grassy mound in the middle of our local park - Endcliffe Park. On top of it will stand a marble statue of me in my prime. It will be twice my actual height making it exactly twelve feet tall.

The funeral ceremony itself will have no religious content whatsoever as I have never believed in that bumph. Instead there will be a couple of Yorkshire rock and roll bands - The Feisty Whippets and The Tweed Flat Caps along with poetry readings by two of my favourite bloggers - Steve Reed from London and Jennifer Barlow from South Carolina. 

Meike Riley will sing "Nessun Dorma" which means "no one shall sleep" and using only a ceremonial stainless steel garden spade, Roger (Cro Magnon) will be charged with digging the hole into which my bio-degradable cardboard casket will be lowered.

Australian bloggers Elsie and Andrew will perform an unclothed aboriginal war dance and Bob  Slatten who blogs out of Camden, South Carolina will take the mike from Meike to sing  "In The Ghetto" by Elvis.

It will be a marvellous affair - long to be remembered in the annals of Sheffield folklore. Afterwards, the thronging  crowd will be directed to Sheffield United's BramalL Lane Stadium where local Asian restaurateurs  will have prepared a sumptuous curry meal that no one present will ever forget as the  RAF Red Arrows  aeronautical display team weaves crisscross patterns in the sky.

If the Collins brothers  funeral legacy was meant to be impressive, it will not be a patch on my own. Yes that is the way I want it and it has all been clearly written down in my last will and testament. To defy my dying wishes would be abhorrent, almost unthinkable and frankly - sacrilegious.