14 December 2006

Boring

Boring - that's not a label anybody has ever attached to me but perhaps in all my years I never encountered such an astute judge of character as Anonoman - this stalker of the blogosphere whose mission seems to be to piss off the creators of any blogs he visits. Well maybe I am boring now, maybe I became boring somewhere along the line - I don't know. Perhaps you, dear reader, could judge for yourself as I describe my day.
I woke at seven as usual but my head was still pounding. I knew I should have left the casino earlier. However, after I had won that £15,000 on the roulette table, Sean Bean, Naseem Hamed, Michael Palin and all my other Sheffield mates decided we should party on and there was champers for everybody. I can't remember when I picked up that model - Natasha I think she was called. Gorgeous ass and she smelled like honeysuckle. Shirley was none too pleased when she woke up to find this Natasha between us - snoring lightly with contentment.
I decided to phone work to tell them I wouldn't be in today. Instead I jumped in my specially imported silver Ford Mustang and zoomed off into the Peak District for a spot of hang-gliding with Colin - an importer I have known for years - we have often chilled out at his ski lodge near Beaver Creek. Jeez it was brilliant to be up there on a bright December morning - up with the birds.
After a spot of ropefree rock climbing in Whinnat's Pass, I said my farewells to Colin and sped over to Chatsworth House for an excellent lunch with long time friend The Duchess of Devonshire. Lovely lady. We ate roast partridge and asparagus followed by these delicious paw-paws flown in specially from Guyana.

boring

I had set up a brainstorming session with my committee in the aternoon. I am making most of the background arrangements for The Concert for Diana to be held in London next July. Elton John was being an utter bitch as usual so I just slapped him down. Honestly, that guy! You'd think he was an effing Princess himself.
After the meeting I had to zoom back home to "supervise" the guys who are installing the pool in our back garden. It looks like they are going to have it finished by Christmas after all! With tradesmen, I find you just have to show them who's boss and they jump into line like little schoolboys. They're doing a superb job. It's amazing what you can get for £85k.
Later on a familiar black Merc pulled up outside and Tony - the private detective I have hired - flipped open the boot and yanked out the weedy little specimen he has been tracking down for a couple of weeks now - this snivelling twerp who has been leaving unpleasant comments on my blog. He calls himself "Anonymous". Well we got him in the ballroom and Tony untied him. You could tell the guy was frightened - shaking and everything but I carried on with my plan. He put on some pink boxing shorts and a pair of gloves and I followed suit - though my shorts were baby blue. Then I gave this creature the biggest hiding of his life. Crunch! Splat! He lost a few teeth and his nose now points west so I guess I was the victor. Kindly, I ordered him a taxi home.
Later, after a meal of larks' tongues in aspic washed down with finest cognac, my family and I waltzed down to The Last Laugh Comedy Club where I have done a regular stand up gig for a few years now. I was surprised to see Jarvis Cocker and Phil Oakey (Human League) in the audience. They really are boring old farts compared with me so I declined Jarvis's offer of a line of coke when I encountered him in the Gents after walking off stage. Honestly - coke! Been there done that, got the T-shirt. Besides, the audience were stomping and chanting for an encore.
So here I am at my keyboard after another day in my life, mug of Horlicks and a mince pie by the monitor. The wife is desperately calling me upstairs - bloody insatiable she is - "I'll be up in a bit darling!" You know, life can be so dull sometimes. Ho-hum!

14 comments:

  1. Oh, *YAWN*. Is that all?

    Just kidding. Funny stuff. I'm rather jealous of the Mustang. It's my dream car, you know.

    Found my way to your boring little corner of the world thanks to Dr. John, who's made you his link of the day.

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  2. Well, that should give 'our mutual friend' something to talk about. I am still smiling at the mental picture I have of you ringing work to say you won't be in...and why!

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  3. Is Shirley still mad about Natalie? Who shot J.R.?

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  4. Popped in today via Dr John who tells a tall tale himself on a daily basis (just as entertaining though, try dragons next time)

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  5. Dr John sent me by, and neither of us think you are boring! Imaginative would be my word.

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  6. Great writing!! Boring???? Never!!! Just popping over from Dr. John's place to say Merry Christmas!!

    Blessed be...

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  7. boring you are so not! whomever said that, is probably just jealous, ;p

    you have enough imagination and spirit for an army.

    i'm another proud member of dr. John's band of friends coming out to say hello. keep on smiling.

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  8. hiay, Geordie lass from dr.johns visiting to say,
    howway the lads! and god bless yorkshire puds with mushy peas and gravy. You must be exhausted after the day you had hinnie!

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  9. I agree, boring you are not. I'd trade you some viagra commenters for some anonamans? A little late today but stopping by after Dr. John made you link of the day.

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  10. Popping by from Dr John to say hello. I'd say your blog is anything but boring. The one who is anonymous is the Boring one.

    Blessings from Canada

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  11. Who is this legendary Dr John? Is he Christlike for he arrives with disciples? Which one is Judas Iscariot? The one who will betray Dr John at the judgement hour. The Old Fart? Chana? bazza27 - my fellow Hull City supporter? And Dr John said "Thou shalt follow the teachings of my blog and thy path shall be guided by my shining light" And the disciples said "Yay! Oh wise one!"

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  12. Hello Mr. Pudding,

    That goofy-looking simian known as Brad is still traumatized from his misadventure, so I'm writing on his behalf. There's a new entry on the Brad the Gorilla blog.

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  13. Mr Pudding, Anyone who calls you boring has an utter lack of imagination. Ruthless, rude, and prone to fits of gluttony on Trivia Night you may be (as well as needlessly cruel to simians), but boring you are not.

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  14. You are in no way boring, and anyone who says otherwise is a putz. Period.

    I haven't been around for a few months, but have always enjoyed your blog, and hope to catch up over the next little while.

    Hope you had a lovely Christmas, and all the best for 2007.

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.