31 January 2011

Confession

There's a smashing eminently readable blogger in North Wales called John Gray and on television there's a comedian called Alan Carr. Both deserve the approbation contained in the label "The Chatty Man". Recently John was accused of being rather "feminine" in his "Going Gently" blog which attracts a lot of female followers from around the world. In his defence, he referred to some of his male followers - including yours truly whom he described as being "blokey". I took that as a compliment. However, the truth will out and I have a confession to make... I'm actually a transvestite.

Take last Saturday. We returned from Hull City's nil-nil draw with Queens Park Rangers and I felt like going out to celebrate.

After showering, shaving my legs and plucking my eyebrows, I delved into my "alternative" wardrobe. Where had Shirley hidden my sheer twelve denier silk tights that I bought in Hong Kong? And yes there was my brand new Aidan Mattox "cold shoulder" dress in bottle green sequins. It was the very first time I'd be wearing it down at the pub.

Carefully, I donned my "Always" Raquel Welch ash blonde wig, pinning it back invisibly. I applied "Polytex" concealer liberally, eye shadow sheen and bronze red lipstick. Looking in the mirror, I thought - "What a doll!" My efforts and investment had all been worthwhile. Finally my patent leather Jimmy Choo stilettos and a couple of ripe grapefruit down my top and I was ready for some fun.

At the pub and as usual, no one recognised me as Yorkshire Pudding. It was all "Ooo! Angela you do look nice!" and "Haven't seen you in a long while Angela!" etc.. Standing at the bar waiting for my fifth pint of bitter, Leeds Mick squeezed my right buttock and called me "darling" so I whacked him as hard as I could with my Coccinelle designer handbag. "Jesus! What the bloody hell did you do that for?" he complained after staggering back on his heels and collapsing to the floor in a heap. I stood above him with one heel on his chest and whispered malevolently, "Just because!" Other regulars guffawed with delight.
Standing in the men's urinal, I relieved myself rather awkwardly before adjusting my latest pair of grapefruit in the cracked mirror. A tattooed biker whose lavatory visit co-incided with mine looked visibly shocked. I wandered back into the lounge bar where I overheard a couple of feline women referring to me as "blokey". The bitches!

It's not easy being a transvestite. You have to remember to keep your legs together when sitting down and all manner of smelly men will try to hit on you only to be terribly disappointed by a well-aimed knee. Debenhams department stores are also not keen on transvestites using the ladies' changing rooms.

So that's it. The truth is out there now but hey this is 2011 isn't it? We're allowed to be who we want to be. Just don't tell my imam. He'd never let me in the mosque again if he knew.

12 comments:

  1. You certainly know how to pick your clothes, makeup and accessories, but... grapefruit? Dahling (don't hit me) -- don't you know they make really nice padded bras these days?

    Wild!!

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  2. Hmmm.... O - kay. Each to his own...

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  3. 'Confession' - what, another one?
    The image of the taxi driver in 'League of Gentlemen' springs to mind. ;)

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  4. So that's whyy you're heading for a new career in Bangkok.

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  5. Angela...lol...as the young 'uns say...

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  6. my friend Mike was in that bar and texted me immediately...
    he said there was an old broad in there that was the "spit" of my mother!
    fancy that!

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  7. I'm embarassed that you know so much more about make-up and fashion than I do.

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  8. Suspicions confirmed....

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  9. PAT ARK Padded bras! Wow! Over here in England we are so primitive dahling so please send me an Arkansas padded bra - preferably 42 inch K cup in a black lace design.
    KATHERINE Have I offended you? It takes all sorts dahling.
    JENNY Oh dahling I loved that show! Mainly because I was in it playing teh part of the taxi driver.
    SHOOTING PARROTS You got me dahling. I'm a Yorkshire ladyboy!
    BANGKOK BOOZE... FOT as the older ones say dahling!
    JOHN GRAY Oh dahling! I look nothing like your mother. See my photo. I'm so pretty!
    JAN BLAWAT In the backwoods of California it's no surprise that you are not up-to-date with the fashion world dahling. If you need tips I can help. Big padded space boots are definitely in this year.
    RHYMES WITH... I guessed this would come as no surprise to you dahling!

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  10. Just had to get back to you after your comment on my blog to say that in 2008 we spent a delightful week in Askrig in the beautiful Yorkshire Dales - my absolute favourite part of England. One day I hope we can return.
    The walks we did - like the one from Keld to Muker along the Penine Way - were spectacular. Ribblehead,Reeth,York,the Butter Tubs, Ingleton Waterfalls and just wandering those spectacular dales was unforgettable.
    The map is where we plan to go in April/May as we missed that area last time.
    Cheers
    Helen

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  11. You sure are funny, but that photo is terrifying!

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  12. Sorry I should always proofread my writing, especially place names like Askrigg and Hawes.
    Helen

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