3 September 2011

Avoidance

Sticking with lists, honoured visitor Mr Cecil Rhodes from the hamlet of Shooting Parrots near the quaint English market town of Manchester, challenged me to come up with "Twenty Things to Avoid Doing Before You Die". So here goes:-
  1. Attend any sort of musical concert given by a so-called boy band, girl band or any "band" manufactured by a TV "talent" show programme.
  2. Vote for either the Conservatives or the Liberal Democrats.
  3. Bathe in a bath filled with bleach, caustic soda or any form of acid.
  4. Go skydiving without a parachute.
  5. Meet Piers Morgan for lunch, dinner, supper, any get-together involving alcoholic or non-alcoholic drinks, any party, wedding, funeral or christening or any awards ceremony or screening of any TV show.
  6. Live in London or anywhere else inside the M25 ring.
  7. Have any kind of tattoo - from dolphins on the shoulder to foxes going to earth on the back - they are all stupid and most unattractive.
  8. Dance naked on the bar of your local pub.
  9. Grab a handful of pink squiggly worms from inside your compost bin and eat them.
  10. Read any book written by Jeffrey Archer.
  11. Delete all the digital photographs you have stored on the hard drive of your computer without back-up.
  12. Invite Muammar Gaddafi to have a weekend break in your home so that he can avoid all the press attention he has been getting.
  13. Try to have any kind of serious political discussion with "soccer mom" Sarah Palin.
  14. Cross the road without looking as an Eddie Stobart juggernaut truck is approaching at seventy miles an hour.
  15. Become the manager of a pub restaurant in Salford, Manchester and late on a Manchester United match day endure a break-in by violent and desperate thieves wielding amongst other things a samurai sword and a crowbar.
  16. Regurgitation.
  17. Do-It-Yourself plastic surgery.
  18. Smearing treacle all over your body and lying on top of an active antheap. Argh!
  19. Smearing treacle all over your body and lying on top of Ann Widdecombe. Yuk!
  20. Making a list of things to avoid doing before you die.
What do you hope to avoid?

5 comments:

  1. I hope to avoid making lists until I'm to doddery to do anything worthwhile.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JAN So is that a backhanded way of saying that I must already be too doddery to do anything worthwhile? Hell, the truth hurts!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I supposen I must rise to this challenge!

    I plan to avoid:

    Owning a cat.
    Naming my children Harper Seven, Guilford Four or Hull City Nil.
    Leaping any tall buildings (it's a long way back down).
    Writing a Regency romance novel.
    Sleeping with Cheryl Cole (might as well make a positive out of a negative).
    Appearing on Who Do You Think You Are? and discovering I'm the last of the Romanovs.
    Having an accident that is no-one's fault but my own and being unable to sue.
    Going on a karaoke stage.
    Eating raw fish.
    Nodding my head in agreement when David Cameron speaks.
    Saying 'I don't believe it!' when I don't believe it.
    Voting for any act on X-factor.
    Having a religious conversion on my deathbed.

    ReplyDelete
  4. MR PARROTS Although it pains me to say, I think that you and I are often on the same wavelength!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I started thinking about my list - - and it's almost exactly the same as yours, YP. Even though I come from Leeds.

    ReplyDelete

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