1 September 2011

Bournville

Following on from my last post, I had a sudden brainwave which I will share with you now. No doubt some crafty publisher will pick up on the idea and make a fortune from it while we continue to eke out a primitive existence in our cramped Yorkshire hovel. After all those books about things we ought to do before we die, how about a book that covers the things we'll be glad we don't have to do or experience any more when we are dead? A running title could be "Sigh When You Die!" Here's my initial list of things that the dead will surely not miss:-
  1. Scraping dog muck off your shoes.
  2. Getting down on your hands and knees with some disinfectant to scrub away the trail of dog muck you have just left on the carpet.
  3. Using self checkout facilities in supermarkets.
  4. Having to pay to park your car and then constantly checking your watch to see how much time you have got left.
  5. David Cameron.
  6. So-called "talent" shows on the television including "X Factor" and "Britain's Got Talent".
  7. Dark chocolate such as that foul Cadbury's "Bournville".
  8. Having to take unsolicited mail and unread free newspapers to the recycling bin outside.
  9. Fuming at drivers you see talking bollix on mobile phones as they career dangerously round corners.
  10. The media's obsession with talentless celebrities and the dull details of their uninspirational and often seedy lives.
  11. The waste of young men's lives in wars and military adventures we should not be involved in.
  12. The foul odour of cigarette smoke.
  13. Arguments about the merits and aesthetic beauty of Wolverhampton.
  14. The British obsession with beating the nation up instead of celebrating the best features of what is actually a fantastic and beautiful country that has given so much to the world and continues to produce very caring, innovative, hard-working, creative and brave people. (like me for example!)
  15. Religious extremism of any hue - from Islam to the Mormons.
  16. Badger-baiting, cock fighting, hare coursing, bullfights etc.
  17. Litter.
  18. Commercial breaks in TV programmes you enjoy watching.
  19. Household chores like vacuum cleaning, washing windows and making the bed.
  20. The last hospital you ever visit - with strangers beating on your chest, checking the fading bleeps on the monitor you were hooked up to. Bleep...bleeeep...bleeeeeeeeeeeeeee - as Roy Orbison sings "It's Over".
What would be on your list?

9 comments:

  1. Brilliant post, YP. For me it would be shopping malls - who needs them?
    Lucy

    ReplyDelete
  2. LUCY Thanks for dropping by. Shopping malls are needed by the multi-millionaires who own them and by their Martini-sipping shareholders.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I misread number 15. I thought you said 'Islam to Morrisons' which I thought rather harsh on that Yorkshire-based supermarket chain.

    To add to your list of things that I wouldn't miss, I would couple Nick Clegg with David Cameron if the thought of it didn't turn my stomach.

    Also the British summer (pah!), 'have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault' advertising, ditto Michael Parkinson pushing funeral savings plans, Deal Or No Deal?, fit people parking in disabled bays, mowing the lawn, chewing gum, smelly cheeses and anyone who says 'mustn't grumble'.

    And here's your next challenge: Twenty Things to Avoid Doing Before You Die.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are on a roll, Mr. Pudding.

    - seeing developers gobble up beautiful countryside by developers, many who clear cut all trees.

    - the reality shows of people behaving badly and encourage all that unnecessary drama.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This may be a corollary of #10, but I would say the Kardashians.

    Also, not Susan Boyle herself, but all the hooplah surrounding her, drummed up by people who want to make a lot of money.

    News of Colonel Gaddafi's imminent overthrow/departure/capture.

    Anything having to do with Pee-wee Herman.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Together with Cameron, and Nick Clegg, I'd add Ed "what'shisname" and basically 99% of politicians.

    And dentists.

    And people saying "so, your holidays are over then?".

    ReplyDelete
  7. #1. Don't have a dog, so I'd have to say scraping cat poo off my favorite chair. and then
    #2. Spraying it with expensive disinfectant and "keep off" spray that lasts about 30 minutes.
    #3. Just say no. It's more fun, though, to say it very loudly and encourage all the other old people to join you until someone comes along and waits on you.
    #7. Please send it all to me. I eat unsweetened baking chocolate, so this would be a treat.
    #8. No problem. I save all this junk to make illegal fires in my stove in the winter.
    #10, #18...any other media things: Just say no. No TV, no problem.
    #11. We Shall Overcome. Someday.
    #12. Try my line: "Does anyone smell burning cat shit? Oh no, that's your cigarette."
    #15. Amen
    #19. I cheat, I hire someone else to do that.
    #20. I plan to die in the backyard under shrubbery.

    I have nothing original to add. I do heartily agree with RevisingLife's view of developers. There is a special hell for them.

    ReplyDelete
  8. SHOOTING PANDAS Great additions sir and I may well take up your challenge very soon.
    REVISING LIFE Yeah - those awful reality shows. Along with the grey squirrel, not the nicest import the UK has received from our American cousins.
    RHYMES WITH... I knew I could rely on you to improve my list. I also noticed the reference to your fantasy woman... and I'm not talking about Mrs Brague.
    BRIAN Thank you for the addition of dentists who all surely belong to an alien race...from the Planet Amalgam.
    JAN B We don't have a dog either but dog walkers pass our house and once in a while they leave little presents which are hard to spot at night... Good job the shubbery won't require mulching or extra fertiliser when your time on Earth is done.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What would be on my list?
    How much time do you have?

    OK. Absolutely the one about self service supermarkets - I object to doing unpaid work for multi-nationals.

    Ms Soup

    ReplyDelete

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