23 January 2019

Wrong

When Lord Pudding of The Nether Regions descended the stairs of his stately mansion yesterday morning, this was the sight that befell his gaze:-
For a moment, Lord Pudding wondered if some lout, yob or ragamuffin had malevolently pushed a fistful of litter through his chromium letterbox. 

As his lordship's faithful housekeeper was not on duty, he gathered up the offending material in order to inspect it. In the process, a lightning bolt of pain described a circle in his right knee. "Cripes!" he muttered under his breath.

Lord Pudding laid the material on the first treads of his grand staircase. Quite rapidly he was able to discern that each item of the rudely delivered advertising material had an identical twin. In other words, there was two of everything!

Two pamphlets from a cheap supermarket called "Farm Foods"! How terribly insulting to suggest that someone of Lord Pudding's status  might ever shop in such an establishment!

Two enormous leaflets from "Domino's Pizza". The lord was bemused. It is widely known that he despises pizza - once describing this particular fast food as "discs of cheap pastry with some random stuff smeared on top". He wondered to himself, "Who is this Domino fellow anyway? I shall give that bounder a ruddy good thrashing!"

Other duplicated items included a  leaflet from the online supermarket - "Ocado" which his grace has never graced with his custom, a leaflet promoting private "Care" visits in the home, a "Check-A-Trade" brochure promoting "trusted" tradesmen and a forty eight page magazine called "Wetherspoon News".

That last item puzzled Lord Pudding greatly. "Wetherspoons" is a big chain of pub-restaurants and yet the magazine appeared to be pushing a pro-Brexit political message. Then Lord Pudding remembered that he had seen the founder of "Wetherspoons" - Tim Martin on a late night political show banging the gong for Brexit. "He should stick to beer and burgers!" grumbled his lordship.

Lord Pudding gathered the various items up and limped outside to his blue recycling bin. All that paper! All that printing and energy for nothing! This damnable junk mail - it seemed rather like a physical version of the scam phone calls he was perpetually fielding. Lord Pudding of The Nether Regions wondered who he could charge for gathering up the various unwanted items, for tweaking his knee and for having to take the bloody stuff out to his recycling bin on a cold January morning.

"It's execrable!" he fumed over his porridge. "Odious! Despicable! And just plain wrong!"

Dimly, he remembered a line from an anti-war song recorded by  Peter, Paul and Mary back in 1962.. "When will they ever learn?"

34 comments:

  1. Dominos now send spam to my phone, I preferred it in the letterbox!

    Sorry about the knee, let's hope it settles soon

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  2. Someone's been reading his Thesaurus! Actually I doubt you had to.

    I hope your knee is okay. Be careful for a few days at least.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thesaurus? Was this extinct creature related to the brontosaurus?

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    2. Yes, it was the nerdy one :D

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  3. Yes, junk mail! It must pay benefits or they wouldn't spend money to send it. the same for phone calls. I screen 99% of my telemarketer calls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe they get benefits but I get none.

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  4. That looks just like our junk mail! I guess it's the same everywhere - but we don't get doubles.

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    Replies
    1. That's the first time we have had a double helping Bonnie - adding insult to injury.

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  5. My mail box is outside on a post at the entrance to the "driveway" to my cabin.

    You could always put a sign up saying "No Junk Mail".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Does anybody actually want junk mail? I have never met such a person.

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    2. It doesn't bother me. Some of the catalogues received are handy and informative.

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  6. Oh no! I hope your knee won't start with its old trouble again, hindering your walks.
    In Germany the regulation goes that you can put a sticker on your letterbox, stating that you do not want any advertising, unless of course it is addressed to you personally, as would be the case if a company you have bought from before sends you a special offer etc. With such a sticker, the people who distribute such leaflets are not allowed to leave them in your letterbox. Some still do, and when I am in a belligerent mood, I send the company an email and ask them politely to remind their leaflet carriers of the meaning of the sticker. (Some have even replied to me, apologising!)
    Most of my neighbours do not have such stickers on their letterboxes. The amount of waste paper they receive every week is apallaing. Some of them simply pull the leaflets out and place them on the windowsill near the entrance, where the wind throws them down on the pavement soon afterwards. It looks a mess, and I hate coming home to a messy house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suspect that my leaflets were delivered by The Royal Mail! They get paid to deliver the damned things.

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  7. Replies
    1. So your like The Best Marigold Hotel Then?

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    2. I do not like the name "Mumbai". I very much prefer "Bombay". If I went there I would not need an escort as I am pretty good at map reading.

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    3. What have you been looking at? At least use Defender.

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  8. I have complained about these for ages but one of my pet annoyances are the plastic recycling bins. PLASTIC, probably do not degrade and rolled out in their thousands.
    Waitrose are shortly stopping the 5p plastic bags but are keeping the 'Bag for Life'. I'll stop now as I would like a nice day, lol
    Hope the knee gets better.
    Briony
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry to have been responsible for lifting your blood pressure to boiling point Briony.

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  9. Your same man delivers here to me obviously as I get two of everything too. Blimmin waste of paper and effort as Lady Addy puts it straight in her bin (or rather requests that of the Lady in Waiting).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thou also hast blue blood? One had not realised.

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  10. We used to get duplicate piles of junk mail in France until we got a 'pas de publicité' sticker for our letter box. Worked wonders.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rather than a "pas de publicite" sticker I think I will electrify our letterbox.

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  11. I have a couple of friends who love junk. Mail. Not me !

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    Replies
    1. Do you always make friends with lunatics Helen?

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  12. You should see the amount of junk mail that comes to the school where I work....it's staggering. And goes straight to the huge recycling bin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It should not be allowed. That's not freedom. It's abuse.

      Delete
  13. Is your tongue permanently stuck to your cheek? Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Interesting that you got two of everything. I'm guessing whoever was paid to distribute that junk wanted to get rid of it more quickly! "Mr. Wetherspoon" has not sent that booklet to this house. I think he knows people in my 'hood are generally not on his side.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. South west Sheffield was heavily "Remain" so Lord knows why we are getting his rubbish.

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  15. I complain constantly for all the unwanted advertisements and wasted paper left inside my letterbox, indeed what a waste !
    Hope your knee gets better, I've suffered with mine this week also :(
    ~Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are all becoming aware about the scourge of plastic and its threat to natural environments. It is about time the world woke up to the scourge of printed paper too.

      Delete

Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.

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