You often see books, newspaper or magazine articles that suggest "things to do before you die". You know the sort of thing - bungee jump, drive a Ferrari, climb Mount Fuji in cherry blossom season and of course - everyone's ultimate dream - to swim with dolphins! Well I was thinking about these lists when I woke up this morning and for your edification I have decided to present my own - alternative list of fifteen things to do before you die.
- Check the car's oil level and tyre pressures.
- Climb up to the attic and start sorting out all the accumulated crap that has been shoved up there from cuddly toys the kids hugged when they were little to damaged suitcases and old Christmas decorations.
- Visit Wolverhampton.
- Take the excess plastic you have collected in bins to a recycling centre as, absurdly, the council will only collect plastic bottles - not plastic trays, carrier bags and such like.
- Go under the house and sort out all the half-empty cans of paint you possess. Mostly they will just need chucking away as a lot of the paint is over ten years old and has hardened like rock or has developed surface skin that's as impenetrable as a hospital matron's bloomers.
- Polish every pair of shoes you possess including the stylish brogues that last saw polish in 1983.
- Trim the hair that's weirdly sprouting from your lug holes - not just the aperture entrances but round the fleshy rims as well.
- Get the first eye test you have had since you were in primary school.
- Lead a team of saboteurs devoted firstly to blowing up Britain's 4000 fixed speed cameras and, secondly, to digging up the ridiculous and ill-considered speed bumps that blight many of Sheffield's suburban roads causing Nissan Micra drivers to slow down to 10mph for each and every bump.
- Read the Quran, Curan, Koran or whatever you want to call it to find out what all these mosques and people in funny religious apparel are all about. Who knows - it could be required reading in all British schools by 2025.
- Learn to poach an egg perfectly every time - instead of watching the white swirling around like a mist in the pan or the yoke bursting on impact with the boiling water.
- Delete unnecessary files, documents and pictures from your computer.
- Resurrect your complaint about the outrageous twenty euro airport development tax that is demanded unexpectedly from travellers as they pass through Knock Airport in Ireland. Sheer daylight robbery!
- Go to night school to learn the intricate craft of ironing shirts.
- Swim with tadpoles.
Any other suggestions?