3 March 2013

Uggh!

Di - the goddess of diarrhoea in Koh Samet
“It looks and sounds idyllic”, said one of this blog’s curvaceous female visitors, reflecting on my various messages from Thailand - as the noble Earl of Trelawnyd complained that my posts were making already humdrum lives seem even more humdrum. Well okay, I guess it’s time for a reality check, and what could be more real than diarrhoea? Such a fascinating subject for a blogpost don’t you think? 

I guess that I am breaking new ground as a blogger, daring to venture into the forbidden territory of bowel movements and if this blog were a TV show I know that many disgusted viewers would already be reaching for their remote controls. Uggh! That sick Yorkshire dimwit! There are some things that decent people just don’t talk about! 

How it began, I don’t know. Was it the chicken kebab I bought from a roadside stall in Kanchanaburi last Monday or was it the sliced pork in the school canteen on Tuesday? Maybe it was some bad water from a water fountain at school – the replacement containers sometimes stand out in the heat for days on end. 

Anyway by Wednesday evening the journey had begun. The Great Yorkshire Pudding’s famous iron constitution was turning to jelly. By Thursday morning it was turning to gravy as I begged my still showering daughter to vacate the bathroom immediately as there was an emergency of Syrian proportions and evacuation was imminent. 

I made it to school where during the day I inspected the men’s lavatory half a dozen times. And I made it home with Frances – she’d spent the day in the primary section of the school. Then I made it to the airport with her and saw her off. That night my sleep was not disturbed by nightmares but by gastric explosions and these continued into Friday when I decided to visit the school nurse. She gave me Imodium pills and electrolyte rehydrating salts. 

Saturday was a write-off. If someone had wanted the rendering on their house painting in earthy camouflage colours, they could have hooked me up to crane and with arse pointing westwards I would have had the job done in an hour using the splatter gun technique. I swear I have never had an attack of diarrhoea like it in my entire life. The magical Imodium has had no effect whatsoever so I’m wondering if it’s dysentery. The wind has been well and truly sucked out of my sails even though today – Sunday morning – I am feeling a hell of a lot better and my bowels seem to be gradually accepting the possibility of a ceasefire. 

My appetite is usually as remorseless as a wolf’s but on Friday I ate half a slice of toast and on Saturday a small bowl of muesli and half a tuna paste sandwich. You could call it the dyssentry diet – radical but effective. 

No Wifi in my accommodation as usual – even though it is promised to guests – so I am going to see if the little coffee shop at the bottom of my soi (lane off a main road) is open in order to post this literary masterpiece and do some other jobs on the internet. I hope that all this reference to waste disposal has not caused too much offence. Perhaps you’d like to post your own disturbing tales of diarrhoea. Maybe Blogger could compile a compendium of such stories as a Christmas stocking filler?

11 comments:

  1. Hmm, think I might pass on that final invitation, YP. You paint a dynamic picture or your suffering - (Oh boy, do you!) but I hope you are on the mend now. :)

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  2. JENNY Come on now girl - don't be shy!

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  3. You're right, Imodium is magical. I don't even want to imagine something it can't fix.

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  5. Imodium pills are good, but stay away from imodium liquid. Mrs. RWP once had a problem trying to swallow some liquid imodium. It tried to go down the wrong way and her windpipe tried to close just the way you probably have been wishing your alimentary canal would.

    In the great Blog-Grossness wars, however, I am waving the white flag. I give up. Your condition beats mine handily.

    I presume you are pulling our collective legs about Di.

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  6. Oh Dear.....sounds horrible.....did you at least benefit from losing a little weight? that is the only good thing from having a touch of the *****........do hope you feel better now....and what a hideous picture you posted there.

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  7. RHYMES WITH PLAGUE Praise the Lord! You bow to my blogging grossness! Do I get an award with a widget? But I wouldn't begin to compare my temporary food conversion troubles with your shingles attack/ I thought you Yanks nailed shingles to your houses....
    LIBBY I am still keeping my fingers crossed that I'm really through it. I think the huge statue at the entrance to Koh Samet harbour is modelled on Anne Widdecombe.

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  8. Rrather than rendering walls, I see a use for you as a (barely) non-lethal riot control agent. They can use use the watercannons afterwards for the clean up.

    I once was stupid enough to eat Steak Tartare in the 4 Star French managed Eko hotel in Lagos. I spent 36 hours in the bathtub with the shower on, it was blasting out of both ends...

    BTW, in Africa tummy upsets like this aren't uncommon. I never take Immodium, I just dissolve rehydration salts in mineral water and keep drinking that working on the premise that it is bettter out than in.

    The merest glance at the Deity Di's facial expression convinces me that she is the God of all bowel disorders.

    Apart from the effect it is having on your constitution, Thailand seems to be beneficial for you, your posts are becoming ever more amusing!

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  9. Poor old sausage! Hope you're all better now. Lovely description.

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  10. Ah the delights of Imodium and the re reading of a newspaper on e blog
    I feel your pain

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  11. Well the curse of travel has hit you and hit you well it seems. I would be very afraid of eating "street food" anywhere in Asia ... and probably miss out on some wonderful food because of that fear... but I've heard so many stories like yours. Hope you are better soon... and go carefully from now on !

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.