8 August 2015

Handbags

Just about every woman who has ever figured in my life has been accompanied by a handbag. Old Nana Morris had one, Daughter Frances has one, Shirley has one, my female teaching colleagues all had handbags and my mother had one. Actually, I am lying. None of them had just one handbag. Oh no. They each owned or still own several.

As a very young boy, I was often drawn to my mother's handbag. You never knew what you might find in there. Stray boiled sweets, "Polo" mints, chewing gum, salted peanuts. But I noticed other things too. The smell of face powder and perfume. A comb, a brush, a manicure set, a diary, a bus timetable, tissues, newspaper cuttings, buttons, an emergency sewing kit and other stuff I can't remember. Her handbag bulged and it weighed as much as a chubby baby.

One of the down sides of being a loyal husband is that you sometimes find yourself temporarily holding your darling wife's handbag. This happened to me just the other day when Shirley had to try on a new item of clothing. As usual I felt like a complete berk but I was struck by the weight of said item and exclaimed, "What the hell have you got in here? A couple of house bricks?"

As a butch Yorkshireman whose veins throb with high concentrations of raw testosterone, I have never had a handbag of my own. Yet I have been thinking... Perhaps it is about time that men also carried handbags. It would be a way of expressing our continuing support for women's liberation and our belief in equality.

My handbag would be made from the bristly hide of a violent wild boar. Its tusks would be the handles and I would have "Pudding's Handbag. KEEP OUT!" tattooed on the side. But the main difficulty would be finding stuff to put inside my macho handbag. Currently I carry four things in my pockets - my wallet, some coins, a handkerchief and my keys. I don't need anything else when I step outside our house. Perhaps I'll have to put other items in the bag just to fill it up - a Swiss army knife, a truncheon, an American taser device, an emergency bottle of "Tetley" beer, a toilet roll, a pack of mini sausage rolls and a framed picture of Ken Wagstaff, the legendary Hull City striker.

How have I lived these past sixty one years without a handbag of my own?

24 comments:

  1. Oh Yorkie that was funny. I rather like second bag but it also looks like a studded leather bra with a phallic shaped leather dangly bit with a bell on the end of it! Interesting ! I have a serious hand bag addiction . Louis Vuitton or designer bags don't do it for me. I love ethnic and tribal bags , artsy and patchwork I love. If it looked like it was made by a grandmother in an art class then I will love it also. I love my handbags and feel lost going out without one . I also often find interesting things in it , especially when my three sons were younger.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have seen articles on women showing the contents of their handbags. I am amazed at how interesting this is. The contents of a women's bag can tell you a lot about that person . Perhaps instead of tea leaf reading I could empty the contents of a handbag and read that ....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could be Gipsy Rose Leisha - the handbag reader. There would be women queuing up outside your tent at the Somerset Mystics Fair.

      Delete
    2. I like that idea Yorkie and the name.

      Delete
  3. Well, Mr. Pudding. Another interesting fact about me.......I detest handbags! I make them for other people, I like looking at them, but hate to carry one. I now have a keychain with a puffy looking black bear on it with a tiny zip that closes an inside that is just big enough to hold the driving license, a credit card, and some cash. Whole thing fits in my pocket when I am going to library or theatre in town or grocery. Even when I do "carry", I make sure it is small enough so that when I get home, I can empty the contents of the whole purse and store it away.

    Please don't carry a purse, Mr. Pudding. I am sure that your viral, vital count of testosterone will decrease each minute you do! Can't have that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the warning MT. Oh and silly me I forgot that one of the main items in every woman's handbag (American: purse) is her purse (American:wallet).

      Delete
  4. Forget the bag. You'll be fine. As a teacher I always had some kind of brief case and the last ten years a sport bg of some kind but I never put any extras in it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very professional Red. Did it contain your sandwiches and a flask of coffee?

      Delete
  5. I never use a handbag. I just take my wallet with me. I think...and this is just me, of course giving my own opinion on how I feel...handbags are a damn nuisance and are too cumbersome. I don't need to carry half the household, including the kitchen sink with me when I go out.

    On the very, very rare occasions I go out at night...if need be, I'll take a clutch purse...

    Okay...I'm weird...but I know it! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You really are a liberated woman Lee. You have cast off the shackles of the oppressive handbag!

      Delete
  6. As a teacher, without a classroom to park all my bits & pieces for the day, I have to carry everything around with me from classroom to classroom. So my canvas tote bag has virtually everything I will need for the day - wallet, change purse, my pocket diary, mobile phone, phone charger, laptop charger (laptop is in my backpack), iPad, pencil case, hand towel, tissues, headache tablets, USB drive on a lanyard with work keys, external hard drive, house keys, car key, a meusli bar, some fruit and a bottle of water. Oh, I forgot - my sunglasses and a stapler. Is that enough for you? Why would I carry a handbag around as well as all that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By the sound of it what you really need Carol is a tartan shopping trolley on wheels or an Indonesian immigrant to carry your tote bag! You could pay him a few dollars a week. He could also cook you nice Indonesian meals back at home.

      Delete
  7. I love a good handbag. I liken them to a little piece of home, the security of having a bit of safe territory with one. I can just see you with yours:

    There was a young stud from Sheffield
    Who a violent boar-bag did wield,
    Dark nights he'd no fear
    With Swiss Army and beer
    And the pong was an excellent sheild.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Ha! Thanks for that Kate!

      Delete
  8. My handbags need to be just the right size (I hate really large ones) and of course they need to match the colour(s) of the outfit and the occasion.
    Because I love skirts and dresses, and these normally do not come with pockets, I need a handbag to carry my wallet, keys, mobile phone, pack of tissues and lipstick around. When I go work, to a doctor's appointment or am travelling for any other reason, my kindle is also in the handbag. Especially in winter, I also carry some mints with me, because I tend to get a sore throat, and they help.
    When I'm out for a walk, sometimes the handbag has the additional weight of the camera to hold, and on a hot day, a small bottle of water as well.
    Now - where would I put all these things, even if I wore jeans with pockets? And even IF I'd manage to stuff some of it in pockets on my clothes, wouldn't it look extremely odd with bulges on my figure in all the wrong places?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Many women seem unconcerned about their extremely odd bulges! But thank you for sharing your handbag philosophy Miss Arian. How many handbags do you own?

      Delete
  9. I'm with Lee on this one. I hate handbags! I usually have one but try to get them as small as possible. Money, keys, GLASSES, phone and tissues .... as long as I can fit them in I'm right and if Tony's there to pay for stuff then the glasses and tissues can go in a pocket when possible and I'll cheerfully leave the handbag at home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It used to be that women declared their emancipation by burning bras but now it seems that losing the handbag appendage is the route to liberty.

      Delete
  10. I always loved having a root through my grandma's handbag, it was like a bag of tricks.
    Always a bag of toffees, a fag if you were so inclined, even though she didn't smoke. Box of matches no problem, need to sew a button on, got that.
    Always a tube of red lipstick, and face powder, pen, paper, sometimes a Maid of Honour just in case we ran out of food, in between meals ....
    ~Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I wonder what a good root through your handbag would turn up Jo? A more modern take on grandma's I guess.

      Delete
  11. This made me chuckle me mam has like 16 handbags and 25 purses... she doesn't have enough money to warrant this many, I've never understood it, if it doesn't fit in my pocket it doesn't come with me :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. First of all, allow my family enjoy a persons command during this matter. Even though this is certainly brand new, NeuroFuse nevertheless soon after registering your site, this intellect has exploded extensively. Allow all of us to take hold of ones rss to help keep in touch with at all probable messages Sincere understand but will pass it on to help admirers and my personalized are living membershttp://www.healthcaresdiscussion.com/neurofuse/

    ReplyDelete
  13. Finally you have the slicing age info to generate YouTube hits yourself. This tutorial is designed to introduce you to the Art and science of creating more YouTube views at will. I think with a tiny little details Intellux about how YouTube works and less than little effort, you can lay aside yourself from procuring YouTube views forever.http://www.healthcaresups.com/intellux/

    ReplyDelete
  14. I believe you have made some really fascinating points. Not too many others would actually think about this the direction you just did. Intellux I am really impressed that there is so much about this subject that has been revealed and you made it so nicely, with so considerably class. Outstanding one, man! Very wonderful things right here.http://www.supplements4help.com/intellux/

    ReplyDelete

Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.