29 October 2015

Confessions

There are a few things I want to confess this miserable grey morning. They have been preying on my mind but finally I have mustered the courage to share my confessions with you. They are probably the things that prevent me from being a fully contented human being and up until this moment they have been private - gnawing away at my very soul like rats upon a ship. So here goes...

1) I have never seen a James Bond film. The idea of sophisticated spies in dinner suits chasing ridiculous villains in fast cars before bedding a queue of glamorous women simply does not appeal to me in any way and the hype that precedes the launch of any Bond film makes me grimace with distaste. However, my lack of knowledge about Bond can be a genuine handicap in pub quizzes.
2) I have never seen a Starwars film. Science fiction has little appeal for me. I prefer films that are about real life - stories about believable human experience that are set in the here and now or back in time. I believe that Starwars has robots and aliens and laser sabres etcetera. To me this stuff would be totally boring and even if I bought a ticket for a Starwars film, I would probably fall asleep.

3) I was around twenty three years old when I learnt what toilet brushes were for. Nobody had ever explained their purpose to me and I guess I thought that the smelly things were left for cleaners to use when bleaching or scouring the lavatory bowl. After one particularly successful  evacuation, my then girlfriend complained about the gruesome pattern I had just  left behind on the porcelain. In the ensuing quarrel my ignorance re. toilet brushes was flushed away. It was what you call a Damascian moment.

4) I have been to nearly every big town or city in Great Britain but I have never been to Southampton, Wolverhampton or Northampton. I guess that "hampton" must mean "forbidden city". Do child emperors live in protected secrecy in these places I wonder? And is my cultural experience somehow diminished by not having visited these particular "hamptons"?

5) A few years ago I called in to a motorway service station on the M6. It was late evening. In the entrance area I spotted what seemed to be a bundle of banknotes on the floor. As quick as a bird  descending on a swimming pool, I scooped the bundle up and stuffed it in my pocket. A few minutes later as I sat down with a mug of tea and a sandwich, I slyly inspected my lucky find - £165! That's about $250 (US) or $350 (AUS). But here's the thing that has eaten away at me ever since - I did not take the money to the information desk to hand it in. I kept it for myself! If only I could go back in time to right that wrong!

Is there anything you would like to get off your chest? Why not take a deep breath and spill the beans to Father Pudding? 

30 comments:

  1. I stopped at the grocery store last night on my way home from work to buy laundry detergent and sandwich stuff. On a whim, I bought a box of Keebler Danish Wedding cookies. I should have known better! Especially when I'm overly tired and not feeling well to begin with. I ate half the box last night before bed, and finished them off with a Coke this morning for breakfast. I'm disgusted with myself!

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    1. I have arranged a sequence of counselling sessions with Dr Garibaldi in Raleigh. He should be able to wean you off your Keebler Danish Wedding cookie addiction.

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  2. I'm getting a distinct sense of deja vu. You've made these confessions before dear Neil and have been absolved.

    Your sins are well truly forgiven but as penance you will be required to write a brand new blog post for your adoring readers tomorrow. x

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    1. Thank you for your forgiveness Elizabeth. Now I look back on my blog I realise I have referred to my Bondophobia before. My memory is going! I will probably have alzheimer's a year from now.

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    2. Please could I use your 3rd image from September 2, 2014, and possibly one of the others for my new post, your Lordship? As always, I'll give full credit and link through. x

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    3. Dear Queen Elizabeth,
      I have consulted with my copyright lawyer and hereby grant you permission to use the aforementioned images in the manner requested.
      Yours etc.
      Y.Pudding
      Marquis of Yorkshire

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    4. Thank you Lord Pudding, that is most gracious of you and I shall of course remember you when I am in the process of drawing up my Honours list.

      The link is here - http://www.aclockinathunderstorm.uk.com/

      (I notice that someone else requested use of the same images for a book - a true testimony to your skills. I hope you saw the little note tucked away there.)

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    5. I missed that book request Elizabeth. I am afraid that I rarely look back on comments that are added long after the post was written. Thanks for using my pictures of miners' banners in your recent post. A rare honour.

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  3. Bond films though not to my taste are superb as is Star Wars. The technical achievements were and still are way beyond me. I find the Woody Allen films brilliant for their timing and in the same class is that thing with the Minis and the truck where they robbed a bank. The Long Goodbye is my nearly favourite film had it not been for Divorcing Jack which though crap I can watch a couple of times a year. The Long Goodbye just has the last but one line'. " Cos you killed my cat."
    Watch it cos if you liked Twelve Years a slave you can put up with the lack of entertainment.

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    1. Every Woody Allen film I have seen has been worth the effort. Thank you for the tip - "The Long Goodbye". I will watch out for it. Maybe in "Oxfam" when I am working there.

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  4. Bond films are completely silly, but that's why they're fun. The best Bonds are the older ones, though the sexism and racism can occasionally be problematic. And good science fiction DOES seem real, at least on a character level, which is why it works.

    As for the money, well, that's a tough call. I'm not sure what I would have done, because while part of me would feel guilty, part would feel like the person behind the information desk would just keep it anyway, and what's the point of THAT? I guess I might have gone to the desk and obliquely inquired whether anyone had lost something and what it might be, and see if the money was at least missed...

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    1. I wish I had had the idea you proposed in the second paragraph Steve. However, if you think that Bond films are fun you probably also like Donald Trump.

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  5. I was around twenty three years old when I learnt what toilet brushes were for.

    Most men never learn this lesson all of their lives

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    1. You're correct, John. Most think toilet brushes are to be used by women to clean up after everyone else.

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    2. I am happy that I was able to pass this lesson on to you John. At least I learnt it at twenty three - you have had to wait till you're fifty two! I bet if Jan had been our teacher we would have been given lessons in the use of the toilet brush while still at school. By the way, a toilet brush is good as a pretend microphone.

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    3. My husband apparently still hasn't learned what a toilet brush is for...I don't recall him cleaning a toilet the entire time we've been married! (But he does lots of other chores so I think I'll keep him!)

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    4. As Neil Young once sang, "A maid. A man needs a maid!"

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  6. No confessions from me, cos I am just perfect.

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    1. You have confessed that you are perfect Carol! Duly noted.

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  7. You've really started something. I would have many confessions to make. I'm not ready to start making them. However, it's really good that some people can confess. Your confessions are interesting.

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    1. Okay Red. Don't be shy! I already know what happened in the stockroom with the headmistress (principal) that Wednesday recess back in 1979.

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  8. If I made any confession here, I would have to change my blogger name from "Librarian with Secrets" to "Librarian without Secrets" or "Librarian who has confessed". Doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?

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    1. Oh, but here is one I can make without revealing too much:
      It took me until I was nearly 10 years old to learn to read the clock properly, and I first understood how to read it in English before I learnt it in German. Can you imagine how happy I was when digital clocks and watches came up?

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    2. That is an interesting confession. Don't worry I will not tell anybody about that time you got drunk in "The Boat House" in Sprotborough and ended up wrestling with the landlady out in the car park. For your information her hair has now grown back and the dentist has sorted her teeth out..."Librarian with Aggressive Streak".

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  9. This ain't my first rodeo and I am not about to "confess" anything to you because not only do you love to make up embarrassing scenarios out of whole cloth based on nothing but your lewd imagination (for example, what you did to both Jennifer and Red in the comments above), you also have a documented history of twisting a simple, innocent statement such as "I spent a month in Stockholm in 1969" into an ongoing soap opera that appeals to your own prurient interest and call it Yorkshire humour. It may be Yorkshire humour but it isn't anywhere else.

    Thanks but no thanks.

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    1. Clearly there are skeletons in the Brague closet! Your refusal to play ball has sent my imagination into overdrive and I shall be hiring a team of internet researchers to investigate this suspicious defensiveness.

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  10. Well I shall confess that a couple of years ago in NZ I decided that I really should watch a Bond film and Star Wars because people kept talking about them and there are always references to them. So as NZ still has lots of 'Video Hire Shops' i.e. places to hire DVDs etc I acted out my decisions. I wasn't too enamoured with the Bond films (I started at number one) but I actually did enjoy Star Wars (and, like you, I am not a science fiction person).

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    1. You are clearly more open to persuasion than I am Graham. Perhaps I should applaud you for your open-mindedness but instead I shall perhaps send you a Darth Vader helmet for Christmas. How big is your head - not as big as mine I am sure.

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  11. Wow! I'm glad you got all of that off your chest!

    I've only watched one "Star Wars" film...once. I have watched James Bond movies and still believe Sean Connery was the best Bond. I've not watched every Bond movie made, but I have watched many. They're just good fun, not to be taken seriously...good escapism. The thing I love the best about Bond is the house that Ian Fleming had in Jamaica..."Goldeneye". Over the years I've written referred to it in my blog. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/property/expat-property/8572946/Im-a-celebrity-get-me-to-the-Caribbean.html?image=4

    http://www.007museum.com/ian_flemings_goldeneye_house.htm

    http://www.jamesbondlifestyle.com/product/goldeneye-jamaica

    I could live there very comfortably, thank you very much. I just love this home, and have done so since I first stumbled across it, via the internet, of course...many years ago. If I have a dream house...this is it.

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    1. Is your surname Moneypenny by any chance?

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.