4 November 2017

Guilty

The culprits were sitting nervously outside The Speaker's office. It was rather like waiting outside the headmaster's study back at prep school.

From behind the sturdy oak door, they could hear Mr Bercow berating the honourable member for Bilbury South in no uncertain  terms.

"Six complaints dating back to 1990 Mr Green-Gilbert! Six! You have let your family down! Your party down! Your country down! Your trousers down! And above all you have let parliament down!"

Rodney Green-Gilbert snivelled and looked up nervously at the Victorian wall clock  above Speaker Bercow's cluttered desk. It was time to hear the specific complaints listed in the official charge sheet.

"Number one. On April 17th 1990 in Moncrieff's Bar at approximately 1.30pm you fixed  your lecherous eyes upon the shapely buttocks of Miss Dikelele Ofinkanwa, who was clearing away glasses. She reported that it was as if your eyeballs were on stalks and she felt defiled by your piercing stare."

Rodney claimed no knowledge of this worrisome incident. His mind drifted back to his thatched family home in the rolling countryside near Bilbury. To his dear wife Felicity who he had first met up at Oxford and to their dear children - Rupert, Lilian and Edward.

"Number two.  On October 11th 1998 while walking along a corridor that leads to The Terrace Bar, The Right Honourable Member for Hastings accidentally dropped a sheaf of constituency papers on the floor. You bent down to help her to pick them up and as you did so you deliberately stared down the front of her blouse as if enraptured by her cleavage . Needless to say, she felt traumatised by this unwarranted and most ungentlemanly behaviour."

Rodney squirmed as the litany of charges continued. He pictured Felicity and the children waving from their front door framed by wisteria. Finally, Mr Bercow reached the final charge..

"Number six. On October 28th of this very year while riding in a crowded lift to the fifth floor of Portcullis House you lewdly and disgustingly pressed your body into the back of LibDem intern Miss Sara Pippin, aged twenty three. Miss Pippin is now receiving professional counselling and has been on compassionate leave for the past week."

John Bercow sighed and turning his back on Green-Gilbert he looked out of his leaded window towards The River Thames where a tourist boat was carrying international visitors towards Tower Bridge. Behind his back, he rubbed his stubby little hands together, realising that the purges had only just begun. Trembling, Rodney Green-Gilbert headed for the door, fully realising that his promising parliamentary career was now effectively over.

18 comments:

  1. Oh! Dear! I hope no one noticed me admiring an extremely well-presented fellow who passed my way back in 1974. As he went by I accidentally bumped into to him, causing my hand to touch his butt...but, even though not consensual, it was an innocent, unintentional tap.

    I did apologise for my unplanned forwardness. His smiling reply was.."Not a problem...it was my pleasure!"

    That's what he said then...but with what is going on everywhere these days, he could very well pop out of the woodwork,and lay a complaint! Oh! Dear!

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    1. I hope for your sake Lee that you are not outed as a groper! I advise you to engage the services of a good lawyer just in case the doo-doo hits the fan.

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    2. Oh, no worries, Yorkie. I have had almost seven years legal experience, working in law firms....I'll represent myself....no charge. I've no concerns.

      When it comes to legal matters, I'm more of a shark than a groper.

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  2. The strange lad my daughter dated at uni is a researcher for the Tory Party , this is the one who after a perfectly civilised first date at the movies proceeded to send her nude shots on her phone which she received during Sunday brunch which she then proceeded to show to her dad and brothers in horror , bless he wasnt to happy when she sent a photo back of them all standing smiling with an axe

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    1. Hahahahaha! That was a great response, Kate! :)

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    2. Was his name George Osborne by any chance?

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  3. What a great story Kate....the perfect response!

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    1. In my way of thinking, the idea of sending "sexy" nude shots of oneself to others is both bizarre and repulsive.

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  4. This could become an excellent series. I enjoyed the first episode.
    May I be presumptuous? Could you write about Bercow's friend Jim Daz the washing machine salesman.

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  5. I'm not sure this is what you intended, but one of the thoughts that came to me when I read your essay was about the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Is looking a crime? Is glancing okay but staring not? Is advantageous glancing wrong but glancing at what is purposefully on display okay? People are made to be attracted to each other. How much of that is okay and when does it become a nuisance, an intrusion, or a crime?

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    1. Choose when and at whom you wink, jenny! ;)

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  6. Are you trying to trivialize the female experience of living in a world where men's sexuality seems to dominate every interaction they have with the opposite sex? I can assure you, it is tiring and threatening and not at all funny. Ask your daughter how many times she has been made to feel sexualized by a man in a professional or academic or merely social occasion, and then see if you think's it's all that funny.

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    1. If you read Jenny's response above you will get closer to appreciating my motivation for writing this piece. In no way was I seeking to "trivialise" this issue Vivian. It is of course very "current" in British politics just now.

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  7. I am not condoning the sending of nude shots but I understand it. Most men would think all their birthdays had come at once if a woman sent nude shots so they apply that logic and assume women want the same.
    Or have I misunderstood men completely?

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    1. If a woman sent me a nude shot I would think she was barking mad and in need of psychological counselling. Just as every individual woman is different from the next so every man is different too.

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  8. Jenny O's comment is along the lines of what I was thinking, too -- and the point you no doubt meant to raise. Where's the line between indulging our human natures (harmlessly looking at an attractive person, for example) and harassment? I think it's a very valid question. I would draw the line at pressing up against an intern in a lift, though -- even a very crowded one!

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  9. Either this whole thing is getting ridiculous, or almost all of Hollywood males have assaulted an actress at some stage. I don't know which is worse! I am female, and have experienced uncomfortable comments in the past, but I felt like things had improved over the years. I found it very interesting how Martin Clunes was totally shot down over his comments about how men used power to get sex, and women used sex to get power...

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.