18 September 2018

Bert

"Howdy! They call me Herbert or Bert for short. I live on the moors west of Sheffield with my harem. I am a peace-loving bull. Nothing much riles me - even human walkers who stroll past along Houndkirk Road but I must say we are  not too fond of those goddam mountain bikers in their bright lycra suits and helmets. What do they look like?

I have heard that some bulls are mean sons of bitches with rings in their noses - snorting and mashing the earth angrily with one of their their front hooves but I am a chilled out bull. Most days I rise at dawn and begin grazing. It's one of the penalties of life for all cattle. We have to spend hours each day foraging and grazing. It is very tedious but I am resigned to it.

Here are two of my favourite girls. There's Melody - she's the redhead and Susan at the front - she's the blonde. In the late spring we are required to make beautiful music together. It's a very tiring time of year for any bull but that's life! A bull's gotta do what a bull's gotta do.
Here's the latest addition to my harem. It's Monica and as you can see she's a bit stand-offish. She came all the way from Lancashire. I can hardly understand a word she moos. Her vowel sounds are all wrong but she's got a lovely udder - not quite visible in this photo.
And that's Sheffield in the background - down in the valley where the little rivers meet - The Don, The Rivelin, The Porter, The Loxley and The Sheaf. I'd like to go there one day - make an appearance - and not in a butcher's shop window. That's the stuff of nightmares my friend and I ain't talking no bull! Ah well, if you will excuse me I must get back to my grazing before night falls. See ya!"

34 comments:

  1. This reminds me of my favorite joke. It's probably my favorite because it's the only one I can ever remember. Anyway, here goes:

    There are two bulls standing at the top of a green hill, gazing down upon a field full of lovely, grazing cows. One of the bulls is quite young, full of spirit and the desire to, as you said, make beautiful music. The other bull is older, wiser, and far more experienced in these matters.
    "Hey!" the young bull says to the old bull. "Let's run down this hill and go f*** one of those cows!"
    The old bull looks at the young one, shakes his head and says, "Why don't we WALK down this hill and f*** all of them?"

    Sorry for the swears but the joke just doesn't work without that word. You can delete the comment if I have offended sensibilities.

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    1. I'm no monk Ms Moon! However, I appreciate the asterisks and besides you made me laugh. Thanks!

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  2. I think Bert had better get busy. He's just teasing those girls. They don't look a very happy lot. Bert looks like a grumpy old fellow, too.

    I could be talking a lot of bull, of course.

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    1. No. You are not talking bull Lee. Bert is indeed a grumpy bull. But who wouldn't be grumpy with so much "work" to do?

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  3. Burt can come and live in my field anytime

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    1. Bert might chase you down the lane with one intention.

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  4. I was very caught up in your story. The joke Ms Moon told was the very first joke my husband told me. Very enjoyable post as always.

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    1. Did he tell you it at the altar just after the vicar had said, "I now pronounce you man and wife!" ?

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  5. I like your Bert commentary and often when working with our sheep you see 'that' look of 'what the heck...' when you are coming at them with a worming gun or whatever.

    I enjoyed Mrs. Moons joke too... we had two rams Astro and son Buster. Astro (now departed but died naturally) was very well mannered and used to put Buster in his place to be polite and behaved with the ladies - it was quite remarkable to watch.

    You mention about not wanting to appear in a butchers shop window! Don't you just hate those adds which show a happy bovine or pig for our consumption... we have one of those adds on the TV presently where there are two cows in a NZ field talking about another who is sharing herself around Australia - I could easily throw something at the screen never to watch TV again it gets me that riled.

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    1. Calm down Elle! Take a chill pill or a slug of gin and tonic!

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    2. Ok I have to reply to this comment and to Neil's reply:

      An iconic grocery store in this area is Piggly Wiggly. There's a fat jolly pig on the signs. Also, every single BBQ joint for a 500 mile radius has a happy smiling pig for a mascot. It takes a sick sense of humor to put a smiling pig on the sign for a BBQ restaurant!

      And Neil...I'm having a Gin & Tonic as I type this! What a coincidence!

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    3. Gin & tonic sounds really good!! Port will have to do :)

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  6. There's a car dealer in Phoenix named Tex Earnhardt who wore his cowboy hat as he did his pitch from the back of a longhorn and he'd always end it with "And this ain't no bull!" I presume he was describing his selling pitch but he may have been referring to his mount, which may have been . . . altered.

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    1. Whaddya mean Mr C? Altered? You have an infertile imagination sir!

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  7. Bert , you gave a good account of your life. Nice to hear from you.

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    1. How many you got in your harem buddy? Moooo!

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  8. Bert looks cute, I hope Melody and Susan don't give him too much of a run around.

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    1. Susan is most unco-operative. Bert often has to chase her across the moors.

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  9. To me, Bert looks just as chilled out as he describes himself. Still, I would not want to cross the field with him and his girls on, if I could help it!

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    1. You could cower behind OK while he bravely yells, "Keep back bully! Keep back!....RUN!"

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  10. I can see why Susan is one of your favourites; she's been batting those long blonde eyelashes at you Bert.
    Alphie

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  11. A lovely udder!

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    1. "A nice, shapely udder is a real turn on for we bulls" - quote by Herbert.

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  12. I've caught up again with your posts. Your last post made me wonder what makes people 'ordinary' or 'extraordinary'. I was a couple of years behind your George Harrison's fellow bandsman John Lennon in school. He was definitely not 'ordinary' but then many of the people I went to school with were not 'ordinary' either.

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    1. By "ordinary", I think I really meant "not famous". Many famous people are dolts while very many un-famous people are interestingly unique or gifted. That's amazing that John Lennon was just ahead of you in school. Can you remember him from back then?

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  13. That blonde cow really looks like a Susan. And Monica's "lovely udder" -- LOL!

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    1. There's nothing sexier than a pendulous udder.

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  14. Neil why don't the highland females have horns. It is a male highland as it's horns poke down. Shirley they haven't taken the horns from the female and emasculated the male just to let school teachers get close.
    '

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    1. PS. The bulls can be little tinkers as can the cows but on the whole they are gentle beasts. You should not de-horn cattle just to make numpties feel safe. It's a barbaric practice. Hope I got the the spelling right. Didn't want to get a bad mark for the sake of an 's' or a 'c'.
      Nice shots.

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    2. Thanks for calling by Adrian. They do seem like gentle creatures but if panicked I am sure they could cause some damage - simply with their bulk.

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  15. I think Susan is the one I would pick first if I were Bert. How can he miss with her? Blond, long eyelashes, a shy smile and a perfectly proportioned body.

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    1. Don't forget her shapely udder - as featured in "Playcow" magazine.

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  16. Bert and the girls really do look like they are good-natured. And wind-tousled. lol

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.