Today I received a scanned copy of the funeral director's bill. I am meant to sign it and then e-mail it back but what a faff that is! I think I will drop in on them tomorrow morning. The office is not far from the recycling centre.
For your information, the total cost of the funeral - including church fees will be £3,700 ($4507 US). This does not include a small-scale post-funeral reception in one of the local pubs. Fortunately, three months ago, Simon transferred a decent sum of money into our bank account - sufficient to cover his funeral costs.
The saga will continue way beyond his burial a week from today. I have written "The Probate Maze" in my notebook. Just locating an office which could send me the appropriate application form was a challenge in itself and then of course there were the obligatory phone queues and numbered options before I finally spoke with a human being who promised to mail me the twenty one page document. He said it would arrive "in a few days". We will see. I am not brimming with confidence about that promise.
Tying up all the loose ends of my brother's "estate" and bringing it to a proper conclusion will take a long time - possibly a year. It would have all been so much easier if Simon had left a will. I know he wanted to but he hesitated far too long until it was too late.
It will be me delivering the eulogy in the church where we were both christened. Thanks to my long time blogging chum Bob Brague in Georgia USA for suggesting that a eulogy should celebrate a person's life - speaking positively and graciously about the departed. And that is how it will be. It's not a time for criticism or dark truths. Simon could not help who he was and I guess that that is the same for all of us. We never decide who we will become and we don't buy our personalities in shops. We evolve and make our marks almost in spite of ourselves. That's what I think anyway.
Not that I will be able to speak at my mother's funeral but when the time comes it is going to be difficult to be positive about her last decade or so, perhaps similar for you with Simon. Still, the essence of what BB suggests is quite right.
ReplyDeleteI will speak kindly and charitably before he is buried in the ground.
DeleteDealing with the aftermath of death is always a very complicated and often very frustrating experience, even when the person who has died left a specific will and instructions. Trust me. And of course, you have to add in the emotional side of it all. It's just damn hard. You'll get through this. And I think that Bob Brague has given good advice- a eulogy should celebrate the good of a person. The parts worth remembering. You'll do that well, I am sure.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mary. I will give it my best shot. There are things about him that I cannot say in this blog.
DeleteIt helps everyone to remember positive memories. The past can't be changed and once a person is gone, any repair of the relationship is impossible. That's a beautiful church. Even with a will, I'm a year and a half into my personal representative role for my step-grandma. Most things are finished but there are always a few loose ends. (drives me crazy) Hope the service and your eulogy go well.
ReplyDeleteYour words in brackets (drives me crazy) will colour my efforts to deal with his estate along with the slowness of it all I am sure. Thanks Margaret.
DeleteEven if there is a will there's a lot of business to be done to close the estate.
ReplyDeleteThe shadow is going to hang over me for ages.
DeleteI thought forms were now available online through the gov.uk website. The process is indeed a maze but I found it interesting with the two we did ourselves. However, if you need legal assistance I believe Rebekah Vardy can recommend a good team at reasonable prices.
ReplyDeleteThere are indeed online forms but as I was his brother and not his child or spouse, I have to make a handwritten application. I do not know why. Rebekah is an incorrect spelling of Rebecca. Such things irritate me.
DeleteThe name Tasker mentioned is a Hebrew name originally from the Book of Genesis (Isaac's wife). The spelling 'Rebekah' is very close to being a transliteration of the original Hebrew. I have read that there are 11 or 12 variant spellings of the name; Rebecca is but one of them. Rebekah is probably closest of all to the original. It is not 'incorrect' -- if anything, 'Rebecca' is incorrect.
DeleteI have no idea what that document of 21 pages is, or what it is needed for, but I hope it will arrive soon.
ReplyDeleteI quite like that Simon‘s funeral will be at the place where he was christened. It adds continuity, making his life come full circle in death.
All the best for your last push at his cottage today. Maybe the chainsaw can go to a community or charity project or organisation.
My sister and I will be traveling home today, hopefully not affected too much by the train strike.
Oh dear. I fear your journey will indeed be disrupted by the rail strike but I hope that I am wrong.
DeleteProbate maze? Twenty one page document? Should I be worried? My brother wants me to be his executor when he dies, unless I go first. And I agreed. He will have a will though, so that should make a difference, right?
ReplyDeleteYes indeed River. Having a will makes it all much easier and more straightforward too.
DeleteThe complications of sorting out probate and the detritus as you called it do not help with the process of grieving for a close family member, regardless of the relationship with them.
ReplyDeleteWell put JayCee.
DeleteAfter years of procrastinating, we finally did wills after seeing the mess of going through probate for someone else. I agree with the eulogy sentiments. I wish we could all hear our eulogies ahead of time.
ReplyDeleteI think I might write my own eulogy before I die, "He was the sweetest, most generous man you could wish to meet and extremely funny too..."
Delete"We never decide who we will become and we don't buy our personalities in shops. We evolve and make our marks almost in spite of ourselves. "
ReplyDeleteTruer words were never spoken. I think you'll know exactly what to say.
My eulogy will speak of the good and of childhood and the many jobs he had.
DeleteI think we are born with our personalities as well, they can be shaped by life, but our essential self doesn't change a lot. I'm glad that Simon's funeral will be a celebration of his life, not always an easy thing to do.
ReplyDeleteVery difficult in his case but I will try my best.
DeleteI think that we all have the right to make a life of our own choosing, regardless of the opinions of others. Simon had a girlfriend you never even knew of. She thought enough of him that she made a trip to him when he was dying. This tells me that for whatever reason, your brother had a life that you knew little about. It's done now, and I agree with Bob. It is a time to remember the good.
ReplyDeleteYou did not know him. I did.
DeleteShare some of your childhood memories of when all three of you lived at home.. Admit that you were not as close in recent years as in earlier years. Just remember that the word 'eulogy' means 'good words'. You don't have to lie or make up things. Speak of your parents. Be real. Show that you loved Simon in spite of it being a somewhat difficult relationship. I will shut up now. I'm sure you will do very well.
DeleteThanks again Bob. Your remarks are much appreciated and guide me in what I shall say on Friday.
DeleteNeil, You don't need to say anything you are not comfortable with. I don't think you would anyway but I feel the need to remind you.
ReplyDeleteI once attended a funeral for a very old lady whose friends had all gone before. There were very few in attendance and the celebrant didn't know anything about her. He spoke about the changes she would have seen over her lifetime and I remember taking mental note of how he had created a eulogy from nothing.
The eulogy is forming in my head. Good things. Good things... Thanks for your understanding Kylie.
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