Merkozy

Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy, political leaders of Germany and France respectively are always meeting up these days. You see them on television greeting each other and there's plenty of bonhomie in the air when these two are around. Heaven knows what their respective spouses make of these love-ins. Certainly Merkel's husband should watch out as Sarkozy is already on his third wife and could be on the look-out for a fourth. Though we see the two of them meeting we never hear what they're saying to each other. Beowulf, a deaf friend of mine is an expert linguist and lip reader. He has kindly transposed snippets of their dialogue into plain English. Hence:-

SARKOZY German wine is like urine in comparison with ours.

MERKEL Rubbish! You can't beat a good hock.

MERKEL One two three!

SARKOZY I love your face, in the right place.

MERKEL I love your mind

SARKOZY That's very kind... You're the lady, you're the lady that I love.

MERKEL You're the fella, you're the fella that rocks me.

MERKEL Wanna cement our international relations after this meeting?

SARKOZY I'd love to explore your eurozone.

MERKEL Hang on. Who's that creeping up behind me?

SARKOZY Don't worry my little fraulein, it's only that irritating English salesperson - Thatchmeron!

Progress

Blogland construction update. I am happy to announce that house construction in Blogland is proceeding apace. Roughly half of the dwellings are now completed. The Development Committee asked the construction team if they could "dress" the Aspin Residence to give immigrants a sense of what to expect when they arrive. This is where Dame Jenny of Wrexham and her Welsh beau - Lord Keith will dwell. Their property enjoys beach views and provides bijou traditional accommodation with modern conveniences.

One of the hydro-electric facilities is already finished by the fast-flowing Daphne Stream in the interior and it is now successfully providing our construction team with power and lighting. The twelve giant blades for the Brague Memorial Wind Farm were shipped in from Madras, India just yesterday. Even as I write, a team of coolies are carrying them from the wharf to the other side of the island which is rather rocky and inhospitable. The Development Committee selected this location for the wind farm to avoid visual or aural displeasure to residents.

A team of Burmese peasants have dug out the hole for the communal swimming pool which, when completed, will be easily accessible to the entire Blogland community and should be something of a social hub with its palm-shaded jacuzzis, Caribbean-style cocktail bar, stylish fitness suite, rustic bamboo loungers and landscaped tropical gardens. Unfortunately, ladies will not be allowed to wear one-piece swimming costumes by the pool - only bikinis, the dimensions and design of which will be subject to close inspection by the National Bikini Inspector - an onerous part-time role which I have agreed to take on myself. Well somebody's got to do it.

Pandas

Oi! What you looking at? Can't a giant panda enjoy a few bamboo shoots without being clicked by cameramen causing pandemonium? I had enough of that back in Chengdu, China. By the way, I'm Yang Guang. Just arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland with a gorgeous chick who goes by the name of Tian Tian. Nice to meet you everybody.

I overheard some of the "experts" who brought us over here and they're expecting us to mate. Well that's perfectly fine with me. It will interrupt my continuous bamboo feasting but hey, I won't beat about the bush - a daddy panda's got to do what a daddy panda's got to do. Mind you, I won't pander to her whims. I'll drive her to a remote country layby in my Fiat Panda and if she resists my charms she'll get a black eye... or perhaps a pair of black eyes. You've always got to show the girl pandas who's boss. Burrp! This bamboo - it's always repeating on me. Maybe I should try cockaleekie soup instead.

PANDA FACTS

Pandas are in the carnivore family and, for the most part, have the digestive system of a carnivore. Long ago, for reasons scientists do not understand (perhaps because they could not compete well for food with other carnivores), pandas adapted to a vegetarian diet.

Pandas only digest about 20% of what they eat while cattle digest 60%. Therefore, pandas must eat a lot to get the nourishment they need. Pandas consume 15 to 30 kilograms (33 to 66 pounds) of food per day. They eat for 10 to 16 hours per day and cover over one kilometer a day while eating. When they are not eating, pandas often conserve energy by sleeping.

Crossways

When I visited my Uncle Jack's grave in Norton-on-Derwent just after Remembrance Sunday, I was surprised to see that someone had placed a little wooden cross there only a few days beforehand. Here it is:-

It recalls the fact that at the age of twenty three, Jack (Alec) died aboard a Blenheim bomber out of RAF Debden which came down on the night of November 16th 1940. I know I have written about this before. In ploughed fields, near the Essex hamlet of Ramsey Tyrrells, he died with two other young men.

But who had put the cross there? Returning from my little pilgrimage, I posted a photo of Uncle Jack's grave on the Geograph website and thought little more about it but then out of the blue there came an email message from a blood relative I never knew existed. Not only had he spotted the grave picture but he was responsible for placing the little cross upon Jack's grave.

My grandfather had a younger brother called Tom who was the father of my newly acquired relative - John. Turns out that John, rather co-incidentally, spent many years teaching in the Bradford area but is now retired. Oddly, he doesn't have his own home computer but logs in during his weekly visits to the public library in Ilkley. I have sent him some family photos and he has promised to send me a list of the people who attended Uncle Jack's funeral in 1940. Would you agree that the internet has a habit of opening doors and windows, enhancing our lives.

Departed

Song for The Departed

I thought I heard you last night

As this wind-pommeled house

Creaked

Yes, before I was submerged in sleep

I thought I heard you.

How faint your voices were

As if from far away

Remembered

Only dimly like your faces.

Oh, how faint they seemed.

Life pulses like oceans

But its foreverness is

Untrue.

I could only sense the darkness

Though my hands reached out for you.

Money

The Blogland Development Commitee have asked me to seek prospective residents' views about Proposal 17b, namely:-

• 17b In principle, money will be outlawed in favour of a communal system of exchange in which hours of work and acts of kindness towards others will earn credit notes - though the age, fitness and skill-levels of residents will be factored into reward calculations. Electricity will be produced free of charge by strategically placed hydro-electric generators and a small "farm" of wind generators. Regarding food provision, the country aims to be 90% self-sufficient by 2013. Other necessary products, including imported Tetley's bitter, "Vosene" 2in1 shampoo and "Marmite", will be available free of charge from the co-operative store. It is hoped and expected that residents will quickly develop a more communal way of living with open doors and minds, leaving behind the isolationism of western living in which financial wealth has been key to determining social status and indeed social division.

Any thoughts about the presence or absence of money in Blogland will be much appreciated before the Development Committee's proposals reach the ratification stage. It should be pointed out that any servants with dependent families living on the Burmese mainland will have their salaries paid directly into foreign bank or post office accounts.

Ashamed

I am ashamed to admit that Jeremy Clarkson is a Yorkshireman. Yesterday, live on BBC's early evening "One Show", he said of public sector strikers: "I'd have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families." This may have been Clarkson's Gerald Ratner moment. I sincerely hope so.

Remember Ratner, owner of a chain of successful high street jewellers? It was at a meeting of the Institute of Managers in 1991 that he said of the stock in his shops: "People say 'How can you sell it for such a low price?' I say, 'Because it's total crap!' ".

In that moment his business was lost. Sales figures plummeted. Ordinary people with humble aspirations felt somehow insulted by Ratner's arrogant assertion, as if they were just pawns in his money-making enterprise. They voted with their feet and within a few short months Ratner's Jewellers disappeared from our high streets.

Opinionated and insensitive Clarkson has been making a comfortable living courtesy of the BBC which is of course funded by the British people. I have never liked him and never watch his inane "Top Gear" programme which glorifies the car industry, speed and schoolboy prankery. For some reason, the boorish presenter has developed a cult following - mainly of other men who similarly dislike playing by the rules even as they live their nine-to-five lives in obscure suburbia.

No. Clarkson's not for me and yesterday he may have gone a bridge too far in deriding working people who form the backbone of this great country - people who work for the public good - school cleaners, environmental health officers, nursing auxiliaries, care workers, firemen, police officers and the like. Unsung people who work hard week after week, often in trying circumstances while Clarkson okays his latest Christmas DVD or test drives the latest Ferrari. Why the hell shouldn't they, in a democratic society, tell the government where to stick their unfair proposals for the public sector?

I wish there was some way that Clarkson could have his Yorkshireman status rescinded. He looks and sounds like a southern old Etonian softie. People like him reveal the true character of hardened Tory voters, behind their masks and weasel words. He doesn't deserve his job with the BBC. Let him go elsewhere - perhaps to News International or better still to downtown Tehran. You've gone too far this time Jezza!

LATEST: Apparently Clarkson has this evening made a grudging apology for his reprehensible remark - no doubt seeking to avoid being sacked whilst privately defending his ignorant point of view.