5 December 2011


Oi! What you looking at? Can't a giant panda enjoy a few bamboo shoots without being clicked by cameramen causing pandemonium? I had enough of that back in Chengdu, China. By the way, I'm Yang Guang. Just arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland with a gorgeous chick who goes by the name of Tian Tian. Nice to meet you everybody.

I overheard some of the "experts" who brought us over here and they're expecting us to mate. Well that's perfectly fine with me. It will interrupt my continuous bamboo feasting but hey, I won't beat about the bush - a daddy panda's got to do what a daddy panda's got to do. Mind you, I won't pander to her whims. I'll drive her to a remote country layby in my Fiat Panda and if she resists my charms she'll get a black eye... or perhaps a pair of black eyes. You've always got to show the girl pandas who's boss. Burrp! This bamboo - it's always repeating on me. Maybe I should try cockaleekie soup instead.
Pandas are in the carnivore family and, for the most part, have the digestive system of a carnivore. Long ago, for reasons scientists do not understand (perhaps because they could not compete well for food with other carnivores), pandas adapted to a vegetarian diet.

Pandas only digest about 20% of what they eat while cattle digest 60%. Therefore, pandas must eat a lot to get the nourishment they need. Pandas consume 15 to 30 kilograms (33 to 66 pounds) of food per day. They eat for 10 to 16 hours per day and cover over one kilometer a day while eating. When they are not eating, pandas often conserve energy by sleeping.


  1. Reading that final paragraph makes me very glad that I don't have to clean up the 'you know what'! Doing it for Paddy is bad enough. :)

  2. A daddy panda's got to do what a daddy panda's got to do? I thought the problem was that daddy pandas don't?

    Female pandas only fertile for three days a year and males with a low libido, they're not exactly helping themselves to stave off extinction.

    I reckon it's Cameron's attempts to shore up his popularity, as Edward Heath did in 1974, and we all know what economic gloom that lead to.

  3. Oh, would that I could consume 30 lbs of food per day and get fatter and fatter and everybody would think I was just the cutest thing ever! What a life, eh?

  4. JENNY You'll be pleased to know that there are no pandas in Blogland but (no reference to the next commenter) you'll regularly find parrot shit under the trees near your chalet. Your servant (not Keith) can clean it up.
    SHOOTING PARROTS Mm.. the link back to Heath. Hadn't thought of that. Weren't they called ChiChi and AnAn? Perhaps eating bamboo shoots is better than sex?
    MOUNTAIN THYME In Blogland your servant will satisfy your every need with wheelbarrows full of hamburgers, pizzas, hot dogs and whatever else you American folk eat. In several South Pacific cultures, fatness was deemed to be more attractive than thinness.

  5. Strange things, pandas. They have a strong desire to race towards extinction, but combine it with babyfaced looks which are specially designed to get people's help to avoid this.

  6. I love that you included the words pandemonium and pander in your post! Was it consciously or unconsciously?

  7. DAPHNE I read that the big black eyes were developed through evolution to scare off would-be predators.
    RHYMES WITH... Well spotted sir! Yang Guang's word choices were very deliberate.


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