Torture

Tooth number nineteen sitting on my lower jaw has been my private tormentor for around three years. It has been a roller coaster of pain, discomfort, gorgeous painfree periods, visits to dentists, partings with hard-earned cash, phone calls unanswered, sleepless nights, silver packs of "Ibuprofen" and "Paracetamol", throbbing headaches, food masticated on the left - avoiding the right at all costs, a Polish dentist whose English seemed to consist of "Hokay" and "Dunt vorry my dear" and "£225 please!"

The last few days the pain has been unbearable at times so after trying other avenues I again resorted to visiting the Hemper Lane Dental Practice in Sheffield's semi-detached suburbs. It is a private practice led by Mr Bird - a guy who I see up at "The Prince of Wales" most Monday evenings.

There was salacious banter between him and his nurse as he worked on number nineteen - thinly disguised double-entendres. I guess it gets them through the day. On the ceiling was a Simpsons poster showing just about every character who has ever appeared in the cartoon. They looked down yellowly as pus and blood erupted from my aching tooth. I expected - almost wanted to lose the damned thing today but Mr Bird had other ideas - getting right down to the bottom of the dead nerve and disinfecting it - "Clearing out the crap" was the technical terminology employed by said Mr Bird as he gazed down through his gold-rimmed Heinrich Himmler spectacles. I gripped the arm rests as if my hands had been permanently welded there.

He is 90% certain his intervention will do the business and next Tuesday I have to return for a follow-up and the tamping down of a permanent filling. So take that number nineteen - you little sod! Your days of disturbing my equilibrium are fast coming to an end. Teeth - one of our maker's more questionable creations. I wouldn't wish toothache on anyone apart from terrorists, child molestors, joy riders, Euro-MPS, George W. Bush and the entire Preston North End first team squad - oh and of course all contestants in "The X Factor" and "Strictly Come Dancing"! I'm sure I've missed somebody...