Election

"I, Richard O'Toole, being the returning officer for the said constituency of Puddingshire with Gravy do hereby declare that the results were as follows..."

I scan the candidates.

We are standing in an untidy semi-circle behind the gangly figure of Dick O'Toole. Closest to him, sniggering intermittently in an ill-fitting leopard skin patterned suit is Bob Brague, representing the Monster Raving Loony Party. There's a battered top hat on his head and a plastic daffodil in his lapel. He dances a little Irish jig when his name is called.

Next along the line is the more serious figure of Debbie Kingsley of the Green Party. She runs a farm in Devon with her partner where they live "the good life" with their ducklings, lambs and baby chickens. Typically, she is wearing green rubber boots and an old tweed coat, tied at the waist with baling twine. Her election leaflets were all hand-written on recycled paper and bore the legend "Vote for A Green Tomorrow".

Moving along, wearing a huge yellow rosette and a smug smile identical to the one worn by his leader, Nicholas Ponsonby-Clegg, I observe Mr Steve McGarry, the Liberal Democrat candidate. In the three week build-up to the election Mr McGarry had uttered the word "change" eleven thousand, four hundred and sixty nine times. Almost as many as the average Scottish beggar in London on a weekend evening.

Next to McGarry is the Labour Party candidate, Mrs Daphne Franks. Suave and intelligent, her shape honed by a punishing keep-fit regime, Mrs Franks is dressed in a a smart pillar box red business suit from Marks and Spencers. Her hair has been specially permed for the event and she is clutching a patent leather handbag by Gucci. It contains her cheese and pickle sandwiches and a Mills and Boon novella titled "Love in a Finnish Sauna" by Tanya Viren.

Next c0me the various Independent and fringe candidates - Ms Jenny Taffy, formerly of the Free Wrexham Alliance, Mr Sam Gerhardstein (Obama Sycophant Party), Dame Jane Cobbler (Revolutionary Communists), Lizzy Stanforth-Sharpe (Christmas Party), Katherine deChevalle (Arty Farty Party), Farida Dowler (Let's All Be Nice To Children Party), Malcolm Westray (Making Bacon Co-Operative), Ms Jan Blawat ("Let's Visit Texas" Tourist Authority Party) and Sir Michael Leica (I Was Taking Pictures of the Lighthouse Honestly Officer Party)

At the end far end of the semi-circle, standing slightly apart from the rest is the superior figure of old Etonian Jonathan Stalwart-Booth O.B.E - The Conservative and Unionist party candidate. Tweeded and brogued, he once smoked pot after prep with David Cameron and Osborne in the late seventies before developing a secretive business empire in Thailand. He sneers at the other candidates, already visualising himself victorious - perhaps on the front page of "The Daily Pork Scratchings". He thinks he'd prefer a junior post in Education to begin with. David had promised Transport but Stalwart-Booth knows he just has to flag up what happened after the rugger match in Stow and he'll get what ever he is after...

Dick O'Toole coughs, "...and in first place with 43,502 votes it's Mr Y.Pudding of the Spoilt Ballot Papers Party." I glance across at Stalwart-Booth's stunned face. What a picture!