6 May 2010

Election

"I, Richard O'Toole, being the returning officer for the said constituency of Puddingshire with Gravy do hereby declare that the results were as follows..."

I scan the candidates.

We are standing in an untidy semi-circle behind the gangly figure of Dick O'Toole. Closest to him, sniggering intermittently in an ill-fitting leopard skin patterned suit is Bob Brague, representing the Monster Raving Loony Party. There's a battered top hat on his head and a plastic daffodil in his lapel. He dances a little Irish jig when his name is called.

Next along the line is the more serious figure of Debbie Kingsley of the Green Party. She runs a farm in Devon with her partner where they live "the good life" with their ducklings, lambs and baby chickens. Typically, she is wearing green rubber boots and an old tweed coat, tied at the waist with baling twine. Her election leaflets were all hand-written on recycled paper and bore the legend "Vote for A Green Tomorrow".

Moving along, wearing a huge yellow rosette and a smug smile identical to the one worn by his leader, Nicholas Ponsonby-Clegg, I observe Mr Steve McGarry, the Liberal Democrat candidate. In the three week build-up to the election Mr McGarry had uttered the word "change" eleven thousand, four hundred and sixty nine times. Almost as many as the average Scottish beggar in London on a weekend evening.

Next to McGarry is the Labour Party candidate, Mrs Daphne Franks. Suave and intelligent, her shape honed by a punishing keep-fit regime, Mrs Franks is dressed in a a smart pillar box red business suit from Marks and Spencers. Her hair has been specially permed for the event and she is clutching a patent leather handbag by Gucci. It contains her cheese and pickle sandwiches and a Mills and Boon novella titled "Love in a Finnish Sauna" by Tanya Viren.

Next c0me the various Independent and fringe candidates - Ms Jenny Taffy, formerly of the Free Wrexham Alliance, Mr Sam Gerhardstein (Obama Sycophant Party), Dame Jane Cobbler (Revolutionary Communists), Lizzy Stanforth-Sharpe (Christmas Party), Katherine deChevalle (Arty Farty Party), Farida Dowler (Let's All Be Nice To Children Party), Malcolm Westray (Making Bacon Co-Operative), Ms Jan Blawat ("Let's Visit Texas" Tourist Authority Party) and Sir Michael Leica (I Was Taking Pictures of the Lighthouse Honestly Officer Party)

At the end far end of the semi-circle, standing slightly apart from the rest is the superior figure of old Etonian Jonathan Stalwart-Booth O.B.E - The Conservative and Unionist party candidate. Tweeded and brogued, he once smoked pot after prep with David Cameron and Osborne in the late seventies before developing a secretive business empire in Thailand. He sneers at the other candidates, already visualising himself victorious - perhaps on the front page of "The Daily Pork Scratchings". He thinks he'd prefer a junior post in Education to begin with. David had promised Transport but Stalwart-Booth knows he just has to flag up what happened after the rugger match in Stow and he'll get what ever he is after...

Dick O'Toole coughs, "...and in first place with 43,502 votes it's Mr Y.Pudding of the Spoilt Ballot Papers Party." I glance across at Stalwart-Booth's stunned face. What a picture!

13 comments:

  1. Suave, intelligent, and cheese and pickle sandwiches I'm prepared to go along with and you were somewhat accurate with the party, too. But business suit? Noooo! And Gucci? Is it some kind of fish? Though, by coincidence, I have been reading Tanya Viren's novella. I must say it's quite entertaining. It's all about some British sex god she met who was stranded in Finland because of a volcano. Improbable plot but I did enjoy it).

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  2. That's not the first time I've been shafted by a dick...

    and I'm not talking about your far-fetched characterisation or any typical old Etonian behaviour!

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  3. Raving Loonies become Monsters only after being locked out of the voting process at the polling places....

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  4. Delphinium9:07 pm

    ו.מ.ה. נאמר להיות בעל מבזבז חודשיים של מחקר " חוקר דרכים להמציא מחדש את הניסיון הקמעוני יהיו כמה נוצרים שדוד, אני פוחד. וואי!

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  5. Delphinium9:19 pm

    Ps; it's not a good idea to trust google translate on this one - I just tested it and it is nothing like the original!!!!!!!!!!!!x

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  6. So what does it all mean?

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  7. DAPHNE You should try some of Tanya Viren's other novels such as "I've Started So I'll Finnish" and "The Finnishing Post"
    STALWART-BOOTH The first paragraph reminds me that it was the plentiful supply of ladyboys that first drew you to Thailand.
    RHYMES You are well-informed sir. Last night for the first time ever I had to queue for about twenty minutes before making my crosses.
    DELPHINIUM Your first remark made me think I had made contact with alien invaders but when I translated it I realised it just said "White sliced loaf - pint of milk - pound of sausages - fruit-flavoured condoms - 20 Woodbines" Not what the average alien invader is usually after.

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  8. SAM Are you asking for yourself or on behalf of your party - The Obama Sycophants?

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  9. We backward, laughably conservative Americans, leopard-skin patterned suits, plastic daffodils and all, now vote electronically in many precincts using ballots on touch-screen computers. I hear you people still mark paper ballots manually in the same way as did your Elizabethan and Victorian forebears. The question is, "Why?"

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  10. MR PLAGUE Point taken and I agree with you. Lessons will be learnt from certain problems with this election. However - what about the Florida voting fiasco six years ago when Dubya managed to cheat Al Gore? I believe some modern technological faults were partly to blame.

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  11. A slight correction -- the Florida fiasco was ten years ago. Six years ago Dubya ran against Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts. How time flies when you're having fun!

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  12. I don't necessarily agree that it was a fiasco, except the part about the Supreme Court deciding it. Should have been solved in the House of Representatives according to our Constitution.

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  13. Oh, I do like the ring of that: 'The Arty Farty Party'. Very good YP!

    Actually, on reflection it sounds like the name for a bloody good Graduate Diploma bash at the end of this year. I can see it on the invitations already.

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.