28 December 2017

Cruise

I wish I was Tom Cruise from Syracuse. If I was Tom Cruise I would cruise around the neighbourhood like a tom cat, flashing my pearly white teeth at everyone I encountered.

To entertain myself in the evening, I would watch old Tom Cruise films on a giant screen or fondle my many awards that I would keep in a vast glass display cabinet.

There would be framed photos on my walls of my three wives and many girlfriends plus my three adorable children. I would smile quietly at these images, sometimes catching my own reflection in the glass.

If I was Tom Cruise I would know all about scientology and I would be able to explain to myself why it's not just a load of bullshit. Above my bed there would be an enormous painting of  L. Ron Hubbard. He'd be smiling benignly just like me.

As Tom Cruise, I would literally observe doors opening for me. I would enjoy the best tables in fancy restaurants and first class air tickets where ever I decided to travel. And I could go anywhere. Penguins in Antarctica. Footprints on an uninhabited coral atoll. An African safari. Anywhere.

And where ever I travelled my fans would call my name. I would sign my autograph over and over again and figure in thousands of selfies. I would not find this attention tiresome. Being Tom Cruise obviously comes with responsibilities. 

Yes I wish I was Tom Cruise and wonder if Tom Cruise wishes he were me. Somehow I doubt it.

27 comments:

  1. If you were Tom Cruise you wouldn't have all your blog fans. Surely you wouldn't want to lose us?

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    Replies
    1. Mmmm... not so sure about that Sue.

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  2. If you were Tom Cruise, you probably would not go on such walks and hikes as you do, not get to see the beautiful countryside around Sheffield, and not make discoveries such as the abandoned waterboard building.

    By the way, I object against my literary character smoking. Everything else in the story can stay as it is.

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    Replies
    1. I thought all German ladies loved to puff on their Meerschaum pipes!

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  3. My mother had a saying
    " you never know anyone, until you follow them home!"

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    Replies
    1. And my mother had a saying:-
      "People who follow other people home are known as stalkers!"

      Delete
  4. I'm glad you're not Tom Cruise. I can't stand Tom Cruise, and I refuse to watch movies starring Tom Cruise.

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    Replies
    1. Well I'm glad you are not Zsa Zsa Gabor!

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    2. I'm not...and have never aspired to be...and I have no idea what that has to do with this, or anything else for that matter.

      But I didn't abhor Zsa Zsa Gabor....I guess I didn't adore Gabor, either.

      Delete
  5. I'm afraid Tom Cruise is not even on my radar, whereas you are, so there's something to be proud of. I know nothing about him and prefer to keep it that way. He came into the world just like the rest of us and he'll go out the same way.

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    Replies
    1. I thought it was different for scientologists ADDY.

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  6. "Being Tom Cruise obviously comes with responsibilities." That made me laugh.

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    1. Does being Vivian Swift also come with responsibilities?

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  7. I hate to disagree with you , but I would not want to be Tom Cruise. I'd be much happier being Mr. Pudding.

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    1. I shall unzip my skin costume and mail it to you Red. The Micro Manager is in for a hell of a surprise!

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  8. As I don't much like Tom Cruise I for one do not want you to be him. Call me selfish but I wouldn't get my daily post from you and I'd miss it.
    Briony
    x

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    1. Okay then tonight Matthew I am going to be Sylvester Stallone as Rambo!

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  9. Tom Cruise - ugh. Just -- ugh. He is a narcissist and a harmful man, whose fame has given his cult group undue cachet.

    I, for one, am glad you are Mr. Pudding Man! I'm not at all sure that Tom Cruise could write a coherent sentence, to begin with!

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    Replies
    1. Since writing this blogpost, I have actually turned into Tom Cruise so I guess you won't like me any more. Was that last sentence coherent?

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    2. Yes, and that's how I know you're fibbing :)

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  10. Hit cruise control and relax. Enjoy cruising through life for a while, smiling into the rear view mirror; one hand steadying the wheel, the other waving at your adoring fans as you cruise by them. Not a care in the world.

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    Replies
    1. Yup! That is exactly how Tom Cruise's life must be. Carefree.

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  11. I'm with the others: the thought of being T*m Cr**se makes me feel quite ill.


    So please, just stick with being our friend, the ever tasty Yorkshire Pudding.

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    Replies
    1. You will need to pour some gravy on me before tucking in Rozzie.

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  12. A strange fantasy, your scenic blogs are much better and indeed, realistic.

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    Replies
    1. Well. You can't please all of the people all of the time. I like to venture outside my comfort zone. That's what this blog is all about. A mixture of things.

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  13. Good Lord, I don't. Tom Cruise is a nutcase.

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.