3 June 2019

Visitor

US secret serviceman in Green Park this afternoon
The Eagle has landed. Well, not The Eagle but the incredibly talented, witty, compassionate and humble gentleman who remains the 45th President of the USA. He is here in London with his soulmate, Melanija Knavs from Slovenia.

Surprising as this may sound, I am not fond of  The Commander in Chief so I have myself come down to London to challenge him to a duel - that's if I can get close to him of course. There are police helicopters flying overhead and soldiers on the streets and American secret servicemen in dark sunglasses with revolvers bulging under their armpits.

(Most of the above was published in error earlier on today)

Now I am back at our daughter's flat in north London. I spent almost five hours looking for my target. I visited The Royal Academy and waltzed down Savile Row - famous for tailoring. I thought The President might be there ordering expensive suits to fit his bulky fast food frame but no.
Statue of Joshua Reynolds
outside The Royal Academy
Eventually, I headed back to Green Park but before delving into the underground railway system, I decided to spend an hour on one of the park's  striped deckchairs. It seemed like a nice place to read and £1.80 for the hour didn't seem such a bad deal.

And there I was with novel in hand, turning the pages, when I heard voices from the pair of deckchairs immediately behind me. The man's voice was American but the husky woman's voice was perhaps Balkan or Eastern European.

At first I didn't turn round, preferring to just listen. The man was spouting off about this and that..."Theresa's screwed... I wish I had seen Boris's video beforehand...Sajid Khan is a ****ing dwarf...Let's get pizza!" 

I recognised that voice. Surely it couldn't be. I turned around slowly and stared through the gap between my deckchair and its twin. That was The President - I was sure of it - only he wasn't dressed in his habitual dark suit with a red or blue tie. He was in disguise - dressed as a typical American tourist.

He was wearing Nike trainers with ankle socks, yellow Bermuda shorts and a grey University of Pennsylvania T-shirt with a navy blue baseball cap and sunglasses. Melanija was dressed similarly but in Barbie pink.

It sounded like they had got fed up with the ceremonial rigmarole and had stormed out of one of the royal palaces to enjoy some downtime - like regular tourists from the USA. Surely this was my chance to knock The President down several pegs.
Interesting blue plaque spotted on Savile Row
I stood up and approached the couple but before I had made three strides forward, four secret servicemen pounced upon me. Lord knows where they came from. I tumbled to the ground with an oomph! The President and The First Lady were hurrying away but I managed to yell, "C'mon! Fight me Trump ye great big yellow lump!"

Other park visitors were by now milling around, wondering what the hell was going on. One of the secret servicemen yelled into his concealed microphone, "Mayday! Mayday!" and almost before you could blink, a US military helicopter was landing in the park, blowing all the deckchairs into the bushes.  The celebrity couple were bundled aboard and the still whirring aircraft returned to the sky.

To put it bluntly, I had just failed to save The Earth for which I apologise most sincerely.

34 comments:

  1. Strike him down, chop him up, and throw him in the Thames, Sir Pudding! We don't want him back!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not a noble eagle. More a plague rat.

    Best of luck showing your contempt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shhh! Be careful Mary. The FBI/CIA are monitoring all blog comments these days. You will be accused of being a Mexican.

      Delete
  3. Don't be nasty to the poor man. He is here to save us from losing out on our trade with Europe by offering fantastic post-Brexit deals on cut-price goodies from the US, such as chlorine soaked chicken and GM produce. Yum.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mmm... to me that chlorine taste is like tarragon.

      Delete
  4. Why on earth would you want to do that? He's not worth it.

    Cathy@StillWaters

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because I still believe in justice and freedom Cathy.

      Delete
  5. I'm sorry. As an American I have to apologize. But Cathy's right. He's not worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you related to Mr Trump? Perhaps a distant cousin?

      Delete
  6. And here's me thinking you, being a good inclusive socialist and all that, are one of his big supporters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As they would say in Glasgae Graham " -Yer losin' yer heid laddie!"

      Delete
  7. Please keep him and his twitter account. We don't want him back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. His mama was from The Outer Hebrides where Graham dwells. Perhaps Graham can but him up in the spare room.

      Delete
  8. Why don't you just keep him?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. London Zoo may have a spare cage next to the orangutans.

      Delete
  9. I'm ignoring the whole thing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. As others have said, I would love you to just keep him. I'm sure we will manage without him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe President Obama could come back for a while.

      Delete
  11. Bean. The name's Bean.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Do they have WiFi in prison? Good for you, keeping us up to date despite the circumstances!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They let me go. It was a case of mistaken identity. They thought I was Joe Biden.

      Delete
  13. As a rare breed (conservative Christian) American citizen, I will slap you on the wrist for your disrespect. My mama always told me if I couldn't say something nice, I shouldn't say anything. Like all the presidents before him, President Trump is imperfect, yet he IS in a position of honor and respect, voted there by the American people. Every administration has its good and bad points & policies and this one is no exception. Nothing good comes of name-calling. Wonder how you all over there would appreciate a lot of slander and nasty comments about your Queen......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr Trump received less votes than Hillary Clinton. Also - respect is not an automatic right. If Mr Trump wishes to improve his standing as President of the USA - a country that I admire enormously - he should learn to behave in a presidential manner. Much of his tweeting is spiteful and childish. Besides, is it acceptable to seek to govern a great nation via Twitter? I think not. The guy is a dangerous oaf.

      Delete
    2. You are so right Mr.P. He deserves no honor, and certainly no respect. I am ashamed for our country every time he opens his yap. I did notice, however, that he buttoned his jacket when he met the Queen earlier. One small step....

      Delete
    3. At the state banquet, Trump's white waistcoat was far too long. That guy has no style.

      Delete
    4. Why a conservative Christian would admire or support Donald Trump is a complete mystery to me. He's the most un-Christian guy on the planet.

      Delete
  14. My friend told me that he's a charming, honest, and highly respected gentleman. Then men in white coats came, and took my friend back to his secure hospital.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Was your friend called Michael Gove by any chance?

      Delete
  15. That Yorkshire Pudding has a marvellous imagination, shame he could not follow up on his duel! Melania has also been sent up on the Guardian 'An Absolute State of a Visit' for her clothes. A bit bitchy though, but then females are.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder what colour knickers she was wearing.

      Delete

Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.

Most Visits