22 July 2006

Urination

Urination? You’re already thinking maybe that this a no-go area even for bloggers. In my recent “Facts”, I noted that the very first time a toilet had ever flushed in a film was in “Psycho”. All of us spend a good portion of lives pissing out urine. It’s something that all human beings have in common. In fact it’s probably true to say that the majority of people spend more time pissing that they do having sex. And yet in films, you are much more likely to watch titillating sex scenes than you are to even catch a glimpse of someone pissing. Sex seems to be acceptable ground but pissing and pooping are still very much “in the closet”.

urinals

Everybody has private pissing stories and as examples, I’m going to share two or three with you. Can there really be anyone in the world who hasn’t pissed themselves at some time or another? Yet if you try a “urine” or “piss” search in Microsoft Word Synonyms you get “No suggestions” back. Why?

Well here’s one story. You know how cities these days have very few public conveniences? Well maybe twenty five years ago, I was walking home from a night out that involved several pints of beer and I desperately needed to urinate. I left the main thoroughfare with its pedestrians and lights and Saturday night traffic and wandered through the back gates of a small engineering company. Such relief! Between the waste bins, I pissed out two hot pints, zipped up and went back through the gateway, only to be confronted by a policeman with a torch. What was I doing there? I told him and he made me turn back to show him where I had pissed. He shone his torch on a still steaming puddle of piss and with a second experience of relief let me go.

And once I got very drunk when Shirley and I lived in a little one-bedroom flat. In the middle of the night, I got up in a drunken stupor and headed for the wardrobe. I took out her two red wellington boots and filled them with piss even though the bathroom was only two metres away. I guess I was dreaming - but of what I will never know.

Then there was the time I got something very horrible and very painful called a urethral stricture – something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone apart from George W. Bush, Tony Blair and the entire Israeli military. I had to have an operation to allow me to piss naturally again while a tube in my bladder did a temporary job. Straight after the operation, I was an Olympic pisser. A full bladder would be expelled in two seconds flat. Talk about siphoning the python? I felt as if I could be a one-man fire brigade with no need for hoses!

We all urinate – every day. Old people often smell of it. Babies fill nappies or diapers with it. Every public or private building where people work or spend money contains lavatories for pissing in and yet we don’t talk about it much, sing about it, read about it, include it in our films and plays. It’s almost a taboo subject and that’s why I made this particular blog entry about it. Are you brave enough to share a urination story of your own?

11 comments:

  1. I too have had the police looking at your piss situation as, on the walk back from the pub in Sheffield, I relieved myself in the entrance of a small factory, only to come out to find a squad car and two boys in blue with flashlights at the ready.

    Talking of Sheffield, this is one place more enlightened on the subject, as the Fat Cat down in Kelham Island shows. There in the toilets is a framed display entitled 'Urinals of Sheffield'. I kid you not...

    ReplyDelete
  2. When I was living in Mexico City, I had this very sexual and eager girlfriend, Elaine, who virtually put herself at my disposal for any pleasure I might want. She was quite the slut and we both loved it.

    One evening of partying at my apartment, the place was full of my drunken friends and I was drinking rum and beer, I couldn't resist her any longer and I took Elaine in the bedroom and pushed her to her knees in front of me. She knew what I wanted and she proceeded to unzip my jeans and give me a succulent, loving blow job culminating with a creamy orgasm in her mouth.

    We went back out into the crowd and she sat down. She asked if I would get her a beer and she handed me her glass. I went into the kitchen and got myself a cold one but I took her glass into the bathroom and filled it with warm, foamy piss. It looked exactly like a pale lager with a foam head!

    I took the glass back to her and handed it to her outstretched hand. Elaine took it and it obviously felt warm, certainly not like a fresh beer would feel. She looked at it with a strange expression and smelled it. She could clearly smell my hot piss. She looked back at me with those seductive eyes and licked the rim of the glass. She dipped her tongue in the glass and licked her lips. SHE WAS TEASING ME!

    There were so many people in the room and so much noise, nobody noticed that she was nursing a glass of my piss.

    Watching this show, I was getting totally aroused only 15 minutes after getting that last cock suck.

    She proceeded to put on a show for me drinking my hot piss out of the glass, licking her lips, crossing and uncrossing her legs and deliberately driving me wild.

    She smiled as she took a gulp, leaving the glass half full. My eyes were transfixed on her as she picked up the glass and sipped again. SHE WAS GOING TO DRINK IT ALL!

    She could clearly see the effect of watching her drink my piss was having on me and she actually laughed, choking on my urine causing her to put her hand to her mouth to keep from spewing it out over the crowd.

    I rubbed the bulge between my legs and she nodded "OK". She knew what she had done to me and was ready and eager to accept responsibility.

    I came over and took her hand and she put the glass down on the table only 1/4 full. We went into the bedroom and I gave her a throat fucking she'll remember to this day. I made a handle out of her hair and pushed and pulled her head exactly to the rythem I wanted.

    When I finished, we went back out into the party and her place had been taken by another very sexy chick. The glass in front of her was empty. She leaned across the table and picked it up. She handed it to me and whispered, "she looks like she needs some too, why don't you fill it up for her".

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, the closest I can come is a story about a woman I saw once who pissed publicly with an aplomb and self-possession I envied. My husband and I were on the grapevine going into LA last August, the sun was beating down, and traffic was literally inching along. We kept seeing men getting out of cars ahead of us, going down into the brush on the right side of the highway and disappearing for a few seconds before emerging and trotting back to their vehicles. It seemed to me that the bushes there must be pretty crowded with guys doing their business.

    Then I saw a woman hop out of one of the cars, a good ol' girl, fat, in her late twenties, in jeans, t-shirt and a baseball cap, blonde curly hair bouncing on her shoulders. Rather than go into those guy-intensive bushes, she sprinted across the highway to the other side, which had some brush but was a bit more exposed. Several horns honked at her on the way, and she waved cheerfully at them. We saw her choose a bush, look around for the least exposed side, and then squat. From where we were we could see her, (she was facing us) but she lowered her pants quickly, sat for a minute or two, while a chorus of horns rose, then stood up, pulled up her hands, grinned, waved again at everybody, then trotted happily back to her car.

    I don't know if I could have pulled something like that off quite so gracefully.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, the closest I can come is a story about a woman I saw once who pissed publicly with an aplomb and self-possession I envied. My husband and I were on the grapevine going into LA last August, the sun was beating down, and traffic was literally inching along. We kept seeing men getting out of cars ahead of us, going down into the brush on the right side of the highway and disappearing for a few seconds before emerging and trotting back to their vehicles. It seemed to me that the bushes there must be pretty crowded with guys doing their business.

    Then I saw a woman hop out of one of the cars, a good ol' girl, fat, in her late twenties, in jeans, t-shirt and a baseball cap, blonde curly hair bouncing on her shoulders. Rather than go into those guy-intensive bushes, she sprinted across the highway to the other side, which had some brush but was a bit more exposed. Several horns honked at her on the way, and she waved cheerfully at them. We saw her choose a bush, look around for the least exposed side, and then squat. From where we were we could see her, (she was facing us) but she lowered her pants quickly, sat for a minute or two, while a chorus of horns rose, then stood up, pulled up her hands, grinned, waved again at everybody, then trotted happily back to her car.

    I don't know if I could have pulled something like that off quite so gracefully.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sorry for posting this twice. I didn't mean to!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think movies show a LOT of pissing. And vomiting. I could totally pass, you know. My daughter is 3 years old and I'm still changing her diapers. I'm tired of piss, poop, and everything else. I am ready for her to show an active interest in using the potty. I have no piss stories for you, but if you want some truly gnarly diaper-changing stories, I'm yer woman.

    ReplyDelete
  7. For whatever reason people preparing for any sport event desperately need to go. One of the major complaints about running races is the lack of loos, especially for women.

    10 minutes for the London Marathon hundreds of people were still queueing and as you described yourself, desperate times calls for desperate measures.

    5 minutes before people pulled themselves from the queues and just sought relief behind the toilets. Dozens of men standing up, dozens of women squatting down, all in full view, with not a worry in the world.

    I would have taken a picture if I hadn't been one of them.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well the last few weeks I have been re-educating myself to drink at least two litres of water a day. As a result I am having to wee incessently...and have become a firm supporter of governments new campaign to improve our public loos. As with so much of life..it is alright for men!

    And errh, an interesting contribution from your new mate His Grace.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yeah....I....errr.....thought "His Grace"...sounded a bit Tichmarsh-ist (sp?) in his description. Actually I bet he's 25 stone and lives alone with his Mum and a Monthly supply of Razzle or whatever.

    My only piss stories are the usual. Once in the wardrobe and once up the bedroom wall. I'll never forget the second as Dearest woke me within seconds of me getting back in bed to confront me with my misdemeanour.

    I denied it of course but, when faced with the still steaming evidence, I was bang-to-rights.

    I was 22! I've NEVER done it since. Am I allowed to forget it?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haven't had police catch me, but I remember losing control when I was about 8. I was with my parents in the line waiting to get into the county fair. I don't know what I was thinking, I guess I couldn't hold it anymore. But I just went right there.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yep. After a night on the piss, I calmly got out of my pit and proceeded to fill the waste paper basket with filtered Courage Best.
    It's got to be done sometime in your life, hasn't it?

    ReplyDelete

Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.