17 July 2007


The audience of assembled mature dignities was hushed yesterday evening as the winners of this year's "Mature Blogger" awards received their coveted prizes at The Woodseats Workingmen's Club off Woodseats Road in Sheffield. Each recipient gave a moving and maturely phrased acceptance speech with awards being variously sponsored by Walls' Pork Sausages, Saga Holidays, The Pfizer Pharmecutical Company and The Cooperative Funeral Parlour on Queens Road.

This year the only overseas winner was the mature Mrs Friday-Webb from Rednecksville, North Carolina. Her figure-hugging jet-black chiffon gown with its plunging neckline caused some members of the audience to gasp with incredulity and Ms Mopsa from Devon yelled out "You brazen hussy!". Her brown tweed twinset with cerise blouse and grey Nora Batty stockings did not invite the same kind of reaction.
Above: Mrs Muddy Boots, Ms Mopsa, Mrs Friday-Webb and Ms Griselda A. Cobblers thumbing through "Studs and Stallions" magazine after the Woodseats ceremony.

Interviewed afterwards, Mr Arctic Fox said he had always thought of himself as rather immature and Ms Griselda A. Cobblers from Northampton said that she felt so mature "it hurts!"
Scandalously, Mr A. Clewley from North Yorkshire was discovered behind the stage curtains in an unseemly romantic clinch with the ice cream magnate Mrs M. Boots. Both blushed with dire embarrassment. Rebuttoning her blouse, a flushed Mrs Boots growled "What you looking at you perv!" Mr Clewley asked for a beta blocker.

Direct from Springfield, Vermont, President Homer Simpson gave a video-conferencing address in which he praised maturity in blogging. The Sheffield master of ceremonies, well-known screen actor, Olympian, academic and all round good egg Lord Yorkshire Pudding referred to up and coming bloggers who could be in the frame for next year's awards - including Texan Earthmother - Mrs ByGeorge, Washington State subversive storyteller Alkelda the Gleeful, animal-loving terraced house-dwelling journalist Miss Tracey Muttering-Meanderings, Manchester's princes of blogging Steve of "Occupied Country" and Mr Sparrots from the city's wealthy Cheshire underbelly and last but not least South London's own Hamish McBeth - Mr Walter Reidski.

After the ceremony award winners and supporters all descended on "The Big Tree" in Woodseats and in a mature way got utterly sozzled on sweet sherry and barley wine. Hic!

Supporting wrinkly bloggers


  1. Ha ha ha! Love the sartorial descriptions. I'm afraid I spend most of the week in farmer gear - tatty old stuff of the shorts/t shirt, fleece if cold variety, with wellies as the required accessory. Your imagination is running riot. Go stand in a cold shower with a jar of anti-wrinkle cream.

  2. At least the black dress was befitting of the funeral parlor sponsor. Good thing no one passed out from too many pints, lest the parlor (parlour) feel the need to come to aid.

  3. I only went along for the "after party" goody bags.....

    Cranberry and turkey bangers, Viagra, a weekend in Marbella in February, and 10% off brass handles voucher!!!


    Now where did I park my tricycle?


  4. So glad you wrinklies had a good time ;)

  5. can l just thank my fans for such a wonderful event. it has always been my ultimate wish to meet the great Homer Simpson. l was not disappointed in his extraordinary yellowness. He has promised to show me, on my next visit to Springfield, how to develop the taxing technique of 'coach potato' into an art form.

  6. So you're not nominating me for next year either! Hmmm! 'all round good egg' indeed....! AND I didn't get an invitation to the party. You're off my Christmas card list, me lad!!!

  7. I slept through my maturity.

  8. It was so lovely to be back at Woodseats Workingmen's Club on Smithy Wood Road. It reminded me of my youth...such a sodding long time ago that that was an achievement in itself.

    Looking at my photo though I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that my 80's perm is a mistake and has got to go.


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