21 June 2012

Escape

Sneaking along jungle tracks in the dead of night. The killers still boozing in the social club with lights blazing and Cheryl Col's latest album blasting out of the speakers. Passing the empty wooden houses that were meant to be homes for our blogging community. The Bragues' electric golf buggy overturned. Nightbirds singing from the hibiscus groves. Orange blossom scent hanging heavy in the air. 

Finally, I came to the island's only wharf. Thankfully, nobody was around. I jumped down to the beach and with dawn gloaming vaguely in the eastern skies, I found the old Rhyl lifeboat under the wooden pier:-
It was still under the dirty tarpaulin, hidden from view. But horror of horrors, it was deflated! Someone had slashed it with a knife or something. Fortunately, I remembered that all RNLI lifeboats are supplied with emergency kits that include repair patches and adhesive so patiently, I set about the work and after an hour, with the dawn now fully broken, the inflatable was fixed. All I had to do now was re-inflate it. Not easy! Not easy at all! It's one thing blowing up an airbed but a lifeboat! Oh my Lord, I thought my lungs would burst but finally, finally I was able to replace the plug as a little air rushed back out.
I checked the fuel level in the outboard motor. Fine. Two oars. Check. Then I sneaked to the rain-tank adjacent to the wharf and re-filled my water bottle before gathering a sack of fallen coconuts. Miraculously, a machete had been left near the water tank so I  shoved it inside the coconut sack. That's when I heard voices from the jungle path so quick as you like I slithered back under the pier and with heart thumping listened to the voices of the bad men above me. Of course, I don't speak Burmese but the word "pudding" was used several times and once it was followed by a gob of phlegm which landed on the sand close to my hiding place.

They went away and after waiting a few minutes, quietly and very cautiously I hauled the lifeboat down towards the incoming tide. How can an inflatable boat be so heavy? I guess the outboard motor didn't help! But eventually, it was in the water.

I pulled the starter cord on the motor. It spluttered to life and then coughed, dead. I tried again and that's when I heard the murderous voices of the Burmese lynchmob rushing back from the forest. One more pull. I adjusted the choke and the motor surged into life.

I sped away from the pier with the Burmese killing crew yelling and leaping up and down in frustration. I couldn't resist slowing down for a moment  so that I could turn back and goad them to distraction. Standing in the craft I gave them the two fingered salute with both hands as I ad-libbed a football chant - "One Yorkshire Pudding! There's only one Yorkshire Pudding!". Then I was off, speeding cross the gentle Andaman to the wide blue yonder...

10 comments:

  1. Mr. Pudding, I am so sorry for your troubles and especially sorry that our wonderful Blogland has taken to violence and mayhem, like so many places in this world. But, say, have I missed something? If you are leaving alone, then where is Katherine de Chevalle, the well-known New Zealand artist and muffin baker?

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  2. MOUNTAIN THYME Ms de Chevalle left some time ago to pursue her fame and fortune in the world of Art and muffin manufacturing but at least she was the only other blogger who made it to Blogland!

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  3. We'll pick you up at Ranong!

    *Thinks- I wonder if a bounty is on his head*

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  4. We'll pick you up at Ranong!

    *Thinks- I wonder if a bounty is on his head*

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  5. BANGKOK BOOTHS A "Bounty" on my head? No way! If I had a bounty right now I would gobble down that "taste of paradise" in a jiffy.

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  6. I always knew you were full of hot air but it sure came in handy when you had to inflate your lifeboat.
    There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
    Cheers

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  7. Well done, YP. We were just about to send Paddy swimming out to you with a barrel of brandy round his neck. Well, we thought of it but couldn't get him to move... ;)

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  8. I am still wondering why you'd bother with a pithy old inflatable when there's clearly a luxury yacht moored at the wharf side in your first picture!!

    Fool!

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  9. HELEN You look like you've got a nice pair of lungs on you too!
    JENNY Ireland produces a whiskey called "Paddy". It's one of my favourites. Perhaps your Paddy could be the star of their new advertising campaign.
    ARCTIC FOX The yacht you're talking about was abandoned by Thai drug dealers a few weeks ago following a catastrophic engine failure. That's why I had to go for the old inflatable. Any more questions you cunning fox?

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  10. You'll be OK. I have great confidence in your abilities to survive. If you make it to 'my' island, you can find everything you need for a while. I'll come and get you in my private ski-plane that I bought with the proceeds of my last exhibition.

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.