6 November 2013

Aprons

This afternoon I made a chilli sauce using my own secret recipe. I was wearing the white shirt I had donned for yesterday's funeral - once again neglecting the two aprons that hang forlornly on a coat hook behind our kitchen door. Surprise, surprise my lovely shirt is now spotted with indelible chilli juice which is co-incidentally burning through the white cotton like nitric acid.

The apron is an eminently sensible invention. It has at least two useful qualities in the kitchen. Firstly, it protects your everyday clothes from spitting food or spills. Secondly, it is an aid to good kitchen hygiene. Behind the scenes in professional kitchens, chefs always wear appropriate clothing - including aprons.

Let us move now to the thorny subject of TV chefs. Have you noticed that they very rarely wear aprons - preferring to demonstrate their kitchen skills whilst sporting designer fashions or - in the case of The Hairy Bikers - jumble sale cast-offs? Although I cannot bear bully-boy Gordon Ramsay, I must admit that he is unusual amongst TV chefs in that he normally dresses appropriately whilst marauding around his kitchens like Benito Mussolini after an all night rave.

The others - Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith, James Martin, Nigella Lawson, Lorraine Pascale et al all seem to think it's okay to be apronless when inspiring viewers to up their culinary games. Why aren't they thinking about food hygiene? Why aren't they setting a good example for younger viewers? Perhaps if they always wore aprons, my own now disintegrating white shirt would have been saved!
Apronless Nigella Lawson stirs a Yorkshire pudding
mixture in her designer kitchen as Charles Saatchi watches
on with a besom broom ready to thrash his ex-wife
for deliberately burning his breakfast sausage.
Apronless Jamie Oliver is an expert tosser. Here
he is tossing some  exotic vegetables before drizzling extra
virgin oliver oil all over them whilst spouting Cockney
terms like "lovely jubbly". What a cheeky
Cockney chappie he is! (Also a multi-millionaire)
Apart from medieval torture, this is what Jamie, Nigella and the rest of them need:-

18 comments:

  1. Nigella with a apron?
    Cover gig up hey again bazookas?
    NEVER,!

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    1. During the second question were you having a minor stroke your earlship? Only, I cannot understand it. Was it in fact typed by Winifred?

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  2. "Perhaps if they always wore aprons, my own now disintegrating white shirt would have been saved!"
    What a sheep you are YP!
    But I have a much better solution: It's obvious! Never use chilli! It's a dreadful ingredient, totally pointless as it burns the mouth and removes the taste of any other ingredient you have gone to the trouble to put in your food.

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  3. Baa! Baa! Oh dear look at my droppings! Like chocolate raisins! I am surprised you don't like chilli Kate. When next in England, I shall make you a monster bowl of steaming chilli and as you are so well-mannered you will consume it all without complaint!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just you try, you... you, SHEEP you!
      Did I ever tell you about my friend who used to eat chocolate raisins absent-mindedly while he watched the giggle-box? Unfortunately he also allowed his daughter to have her tame rabbit in the lounge too...

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  4. I think I will give you a C+ for your argumentative essay Mr Chilli Pud ~ not convinced how aprons promote food hygiene. I guess your funeral shirt has become your gardening shirt now YP.

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    1. Carol - my missus will be tasked with rescuing said garment. Re. hygiene in professional kitchens - outdoor clothes can pick up outdoor bacteria. Clean aprons will help to limit contamination. Obviously in everyday home cooking the issue isn't all that significant.

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  5. Ugh Nigella - that woman is so obviously frigid.

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    1. So not on Gorilla Bananas' shopping list then!

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  6. Being a prolific maker of aprons for all seasons and all sizes, I agree. I most always wear an apron because it gives me a place to wipe my hands that I am constantly washing as well as a useful pot handle holder in a pinch. The one thing I have never understood is .....what good are half aprons.....you know, those that start at your waist and end at the knee or thereabouts? Did anybody ever ruin a skirt cooking? It is always the top garment that gets the brunt of my messy kitchen ways!

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    1. I knew I could rely on you Mama T - to understand where I am coming from on this matter. I wonder why the word "apron" is sometimes applied to areas of an airport.

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  7. Hi
    You are right with the help of an apron, white shirt would have been saved. But I beg to differ about your views for chilli. Its not a dreadful ingredient but one of the important aspect of taste. Obviously excess of everything is bad, so chillies should be used wisely because they add taste to your food.

    P.S. I am a chef and loves to carry aprons from bestaprons.com/ and I take pride in it.

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    1. John - Don't have a go at me mate! The anti-chilli auntie lives in a bach in the New Zealand bush where they eat mutton and kiwi fruit three times a day.

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  8. I love chilli and we have the best growing here in the garden,

    I could not agree more about kitchen hygiene which includes appropriate attire! Apart from everything else, it just looks professional:

    http://hippo-on-the-lawn.blogspot.com/2009/01/three-little-chefs.html

    From left to right; Hippo, Hippo Junior (Dominic) and Thanh, my nephew.

    I also tuck a tea towel into my belt so I can dry my hands after rinsing them, something I do at every stage of the cooking process when handling food ingredients, and wash up after every stage. By the time I serve a meal, the kitchen is clean again. And so is my shirt!

    I can't bear to watch that failed footballer Ramsey. Lawson is so sicky sweet she makes me want to hurl. James Martin writes good car reviews. I quite like Jamie Oliver, I think his heart is in the right place but I can only take so much of his 'Artful Dodger' cheeky Cockney routine.

    I really liked Keith Floyd. Somehow I identified with him...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now why doesn't it surprise me that you like Keith Floyd! Personally, I preferred Pink Floyd!

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  9. Judging by the redness of your face in your profile photo, I'd say your chili sauce is pretty potent.

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    1. I was blushing! A Sri Lankan coconut seller had just complimented me on my bulging biceps.

      Delete

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