25 November 2015

Spammers

For some mysterious reason, one of my past posts - "Priory" is regularly targeted by spammers. I get fed up of clearing up their crap. Here are three examples that I recently snipped before decanting them into a virtual zinc bucket marked "Sewage":-
Not only are the vile and greedy perpetrators of these unwelcome "comments" invading blogs without invitation, they are also guilty of mangling the English language. It is as if they put dictionaries in mincing machines that then churn out such nonsensical garbage they make "Jabberwocky" read like logical washing powder instructions.

It is disappointing that the guardians of the internet - Microsoft, Google, Apple, national governments etc. haven't found ways of clamping down on the parasitical activities of Alice, Alix, Melinda and all the rest. Nobody wants them or needs them. Whatever they are trying to sell is dodgy to say the least and nobody in their right minds would ever be drawn in by their cancerous piggyback blogpost comments.

They are the blogosphere's equivalent of nuisance phone calls from trawling call centres that interrupt so many people's lives. I had one yesterday when I was sitting at our dining room table, enjoying a £2.50 lunch of mini fish and chips and mushy peas from our recently reopened Banner Cross Fish and Chip Shop. I got up from the table, picked up the phone and there was the usual silence. "Hello?...Hello?". Finally an Asian voice appears - "Hello, how are you today?" 

"I was feeling fine till you phoned! Never phone this number again and I suggest you get a proper job!" Then I put the phone down and returned to my rudely interrupted lunch. My midday peace had been spoilt.

I don't invade Melinda, Alix or Alice's lives but if I could I would send them regular spam blog comments inviting them to subscribe to an online English language improvement course run by the redoubtable Professor Pudding and his American associate Dr Brague:-
Having trouble with basic English grammar? Struggling to get your message across? We guarantee we can improve the quality of your spam comments by 100%. You were probably a dunce at school - incapable of stringing sentences together - but it is never too late to change. Our effective online courses are individually tailored for clients' needs. These expert first aid services are reasonably priced. Contact the Professor Pudding Online Language School without delay!

29 comments:

  1. Oh, Lord, I hate those comments. Very few of them get published now because I set my blog so that I have to approve comments on any post older than 10 days. That basically blocks my archive from spammers. Have you tried that?

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    1. Thank you Steve. I shall look into that.

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  2. My deer proffesed Pudding. Pleese can yoo send me full details abowt yor coarse? My english is very good !!!!! but needs the ruff corners nocking off.
    If you enable comment moderation for posts over fourteen days old it gets rid of it. It's then a two click job once a week or so to get rid of them.
    I told you all about settings for comments the other day. Email if you need screen grabs. These can be provided for a few hundred pounds each.

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    1. Thank you for the moderation advice Adrian but with regard to your grammar, I am afraid that it is far too late for remedial action. Quasimodo had to live with his humped back.

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  3. I don't mean to sound mercenary, but if you get any customers, please make sure that your reasonably priced services are high enough to include ample remuneration to your American associate.

    My mother thanks you, my father thanks you, and I thank you! (Mini-quiz: Who said that in the movies?)

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    1. Graham in the Hebrides is sounding a lot like you RWP in his post today.

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    2. Bob - was it Yankee Doodle Dandy?...Oh and of course you will be handsomely rewarded for grammatical nit-picking. Such a noble profession!

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    3. Yes, it happened in Yankee Doodle Dandy but the "who" was James Cagney in the role of George M. Cohan. Please read the questions more carefully next time!

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  4. Or you could just turn comments off on individual posts that are being targeting, while keeping existing comments visible. The problem you have is that you have so many old blog posts you wouldn't have a clue what they are targeting unless you enable the option to send any comments to your email address.

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    1. Told him that already give him destructions. You can;t educate a teacher. They learn us and we are thankful,

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    2. Thank you Carol and Uncle Ade. I will try. Promise.

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  5. I don't understand nuisance phone calls, spam on my email, or junk comments on blogs. Does anyone EVER buy anything from those asses? Do people in developing countries think all the rest of the world does is get online to choose where they'll buy their dose of Viagra that day? Do the supposed charities not know that their organization name is on a list of phonies right next to my phone? I don't even contribute to my own favorite charities via phone, I tell them to send me a letter and erase my phone number from their list. Why aren't these calls strictly illegal? Better yet, why hasn't some some entrepreneurial hacker figured out an app he could sell that messes up a spammer's computer? I might actually buy that.

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    1. These cold calls are actually illegal here in Germany. Not that it stops them completely, but there are considerably less than there used to be until some years ago when regulations changed.

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    2. I think that all of these spammers should be brought before a court of law... or better still placed in the village stocks for the rest of us to hurl rotten eggs at.

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  6. Had one today
    Banging on about shite

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    1. Banging on about shite? Sure it wasn't The Archbishop of Canterbury?

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  7. Professor Pudding's services could really be of use over on Facebook for the younger crowd of native English speakers. I can't stand poor grammar. At least the spammers have an excuse (speaking who knows what other languages) .

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    1. They speak Spammish Jennifer! Nothing like Spanish.

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  8. At least the callers that you talk to have a job and make some money. I hate more than them (and I so hate to be disturbed.....another sign of an introvert) hate, hate, hate the calls that are a machine...robo calls! All you can do is hang up. You can't swear at them before you hang up. You can't threaten them before you hang up. No satisfaction whatsoever! Just hang up.

    What I wonder about is why my post and your reply the other day disappeared completely and I had to fetch it back from my list of posts.....without your reply. I did reply to your post of the BBC and that managed to stay put, I think.

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    1. Life isn't easy in the blogosphere is it Mama Thyme? We come here to relax, learn and be ourselves but the damned gremlins get everywhere!

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  9. Of course you know that usually there is no real person behind any of those spam comments. Instead, bots search blogs for most viewed posts and place automatically generated comments there. Each of their viewing a certain post and commenting on it adds to the number of views, so that the result is more views, more spam... a spiral, really.
    Comment moderation, as suggested here a few times already, does help.

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    1. I must investigate this comment moderation business Miss Arian.

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  10. Grrrrrrr!!!! Don't start me off! They're all wastes of space! They make me so angry!

    You don't want to hear what I tell the callers I get...those who do not have command of the English language! It's strange, though, they seem to understand the message I give them!!!!

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    1. Heavens! I wonder what you say to them? I bet it gives them nightmares... which is a bloody good thing Lee! Well done girl!

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    2. *evil grin*!

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  11. I got a phone call at 0800 by Indian sounding man, saying you have a problem with your computer give me your details and I will sort it!. Told him to f..k off I,m not normally aggressive, but my mum fell for this scam!. 3 days after getting her first computer gave him all her details ouch!. Thinking kind man was helping Her.
    Took £300 out of her bank account until mum spoke to me and we put a bar on and changed her account!. Absolute scum prying on elderly and vulnerable!.

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    1. Jacqueline - your annoyance about these damnable spammers makes me suspect that you are probably related to the famous wrestler - Mick McManus. Was he your grandfather by any chance?

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  12. It understand you're furious about these comments Sir Pudding, however I found them hugely amusing and my very first response after reading the first two was to laugh out loud and say WTF!
    The third one made me laugh even more and looks like a very bad/normal google translation. I'm currently translating a good number of pages on Japanese websites via google translate (you'll notice I refuse to use capitals - proper nouns only for proper services ) and some of the results are hilarious and usually quite useless.
    As I overheard some-one say on the tram this morning, those people seem to be eighty cents in the dollar. Or a sandwich short of a tray or a brick short of a load. Get it?

    The crowning comedy piece was the link to the Professor Pudding Online Language School; I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

    Everyone else has dealt with phone scammers, I can only say take Steve Reed's advice or use comment moderation; sure you have to deal with it in one place but it does not jump up in your comment section.

    Ms Soup

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    1. Well I am very pleased to say that I made you chortle, giggle and belly laugh Alphie! Or as MELINDA RAMSEY would say - "I like your post comment. Similar to yours as a trial run shortbread. Browser resizing tomorrow definitely it will try Health Scam Plus buy free trial. Happy days liking soup wisdom words again."

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.