Blonde

Just in case you were wondering, Jesus was a blonde. This fact was confirmed when I visited Christ Church yesterday - in the affluent Sheffield suburb of Dore. There was Jesus in a stained glass window looking very holy and as blonde as many Scandinavians. It made me wonder - did Jesus come from Denmark?

To tell you the truth, I do not think about Jesus very often and I have certainly never asked him to come into my life or anything like that. To me, he's just a heroic character in a story that may or may not have had its seed in long ago happenings during the Roman occupation of Palestine. That tale was later embellished by storytellers, medieval monks and others with vested interests in perpetuating the Jesus legend - including The Romans.

In Egypt, a civilisation flourished for two thousand years before Jesus was allegedly born in Bethlehem. How did they cope without his presence? The same over in China - five thousand years of civilisation before so-called missionaries arrived with the tale of Jesus. And then there were the Aztecs, the Incas, the Khmers, ancient cultures on the Indian subcontinent. All of them seem to have evolved and thrived without the Christian God and his only begotten son. How did they do that?

I looked up to The Blonde Jesus in Dore church and asked for explanation and enlightenment but Blonde Jesus never answered me. If the truth be known, he never does respond. It's all just imagining and wishful thinking.

I am sorry if this blogpost has offended any Christian believers and practitioners who visit this humble Yorkshire  blog. I know that there are a few of you out there. Were you aware that Jesus was a blonde and not a swarthy, dark-haired middle-easterner?  

Baksheesh

Baksheesh (or bakshish) refers to small sums of money, tips, or gratuities given in the Middle East, South Asia, and North Africa. Originating from Persian, it covers a range of payments from legitimate tipping for services (guides, hotel staff) to small bribes or "sweeteners" used to expedite services, bureaucracy, or provide alms. (Thanks to The University of Google for this definition)

Of course I knew about the phenomenon of baksheesh long before visiting Egypt. Over there it seemed that every Egyptian you encountered was after a tip or backhander. I guess it is an endemic feature of their culture.

When we visited The Aswan Museum on Elephantine Island, I paid for two entrance tickets. To tell you the truth, I do not think we were given official tickets and suspect that the fellow at the gate had a little fraud game going on - depriving the museum of much needed funds.

Once we were in, another  Egyptian man just latched onto us to guide us around the small museum. He never asked or anything and I found his presence quite irritating because it interfered with my reading of the explanatory labels. There were some mind-blowing exhibits from ancient times at a place that connected ancient Egypt with the Nubian region and Sudan to the south.

Obviously, our "helpful" guide was after some Egyptian pounds so I generously gave him £50 - the equivalent of about 70 British pence or one American dollar. He looked at this offering as if I had just put a sheet of used toilet paper on his palm but in spite of his discourteous grumbling, he was not getting any more from me.

The museum is right next to a gate that leads you into the site of The Temple of Khnum who was the "Lord of the First Cataract" and considered to be the creator of humanity, moulding souls on a potter's wheel. The temple served as the centre for his worship.It is now a ruinous site that has been investigated by various teams of German and Swiss archaeologists.

Annoyingly, at the gate, another Egyptian fellow latched himself onto us with one prime motive - money! To give him his due, he did take me to The Nileometer which I might otherwise have had trouble finding. I even took a picture of him with Shirley - standing at a timeless gateway that overlooks "the first cataract" of The Nile...

Sure enough when our little temple tour was over and I had just ascended the very ancient stone steps of The Nileometer, our friendly guide expected his baksheesh. Feeling especially generous, I gave him £100 Egyptian this time but like his pal at the museum, he looked at my offering as if it was mucky toilet tissue. The well-practised disdain made me want to laugh out loud and there was no way he was getting any more.

Our on-board educated Egyptologist Ayman was looking for baksheesh like all the rest. Staff inside temples. Men within the tombs at The Valley of the Kings. Our room cleaners, security guards, shopkeepers from whom you had just made purchases. 

And linked to the baksheesh phenomenon, I would also like to share this about Egypt. Shopping there can be nightmarish to westerners because there are no prices on anything. It's all about negotiation - arriving at an agreed price but of course Egyptian traders are very well-versed in the art of price negotiation. It is in their bones - passed through generations. Here in Yorkshire we simply never play that game.

Once or twice, I found the haggling process to be great fun but Shirley seemed horrified by it all. At one Aladdin's cave inside the souk in Luxor she would not even step inside as I jousted with the shopkeeper before buying a carved stone statuette of three monkeys - hear no evil, say no evil, speak

no evil.

How I had previously lived without this remarkable object beside me in my study I shall never know...

Quiztime

All rightie my little lambkins, it's time for another exciting edition of "Quiztime" with your genial host Yorrrrrrkshire Pudding! (Loud applause and wolf whistling). Today's quiz asks you to consider some quotations and decide who said them. I already admit that some will be tricky and others easy but please don't try to quieten your frustration by smashing your computer device. These things cost a lot of money. Answers will be provided in the comments section.

⦿

1. Which American president said, "A great leader is one who serves others, not himself"?

(a) Donald J. Trump (b) Jimmy Carter (c) Richard Nixon (d) Bill Clinton

2. Which American president said, "I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything."?

(a) Donald J. Trump (b) George Washington 

(c) Abraham Lincoln (d) Franklin D. Roosevelt

3. Which famous pop star and songwriter said, "We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first—rock ’n’ roll or Christianity"?

(a) Mick Jagger (b) Mickey Dolenz (c) John Lennon (d) Jon Bon Jovi

4. Which famous woman said, "The upward course of a nation's history is due in the long run to the soundness of heart of its average men and women."

(a) Giorgia Meloni (b) Jane Austen (c) Hillary Clinton (d) Queen Elizabeth II

5. Which cartoon character said, "You ate my homework? I didn't know dogs really did that"?

(a) Yogi Bear (b) Popeye (c) Bart Simpson (d) Superman

6. Which historical figure said this, "I don’t see much future for the Americans … it’s a decayed country. And they have their racial problem, and the problem of social inequalities … everything about the behaviour of American society reveals that it’s half Judaised, and the other half negrified. How can one expect a State like that to hold together?"

(a) Mahatma Gandhi (b) Julius Caesar 

(c) Winston Churchill (d) Adolf Hitler

7. Which writer said this, "Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance."?

(a) Jean-Paul Sartre (b) Louisa May Alcott 

(c) Agatha Christie (d) Hans Christian Andersen

8. Which comedy legend said, "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."?

(a) Robin Williams (b) Ken Dodd (c) Groucho Marx (d) Richard Pryor

9. Which spouse of a political leader said, ""I do not have 3,000 pairs of shoes, I have 1,060"?

(a) Michele Obama (b) Brigitte Macron 

(c) Denis Thatcher (d) Imelda Marcos

10. Which political leader said, "Maybe they have nothing else to do in America but to talk about me"?

(a) Boris Johnson (b) Vladimir Putin 

(c) Volodymyr Zelenskyy (d) Nelson Mandela

⦿

That's all folks! How did you do?

Cuddy

Cuddy is a nickname - the pet name of Saint Cuthbert who is the patron saint of Northumbria - an ancient kingdom that existed here on this island long before anyone dreamed of a country called England. Cuddy was buried in Durham Cathedral or maybe what I should say is that that great cathedral grew up because Cuthbert was buried there.

Some of you may recall that I was in Durham in January and walked from an outlying village into the heart of the historic city, primarily to visit the cathedral. And there I took a photo of the great slab of stone under which Cuddy's mortal remains still rest...

Before travelling to Egypt I bought a book called "Cuddy" by Benjamin Myers. I had read two of his earlier novels and very much enjoyed them so I expected that "Cuddy" would keep me happily entertained on the Nile river boat and on board the plane home. Of course I knew that Saint Cuthbert would be the book's main focus. That idea was fine by me.

Trouble was that when I began to read "Cuddy" I found the experience both frustrating  and irritating. It did not begin like any "normal" novel. There were several pages of quotations about Saint Cuthbert from a range of sources. And then there was a strange bittiness about the pages that followed - strange fragments, mutterings, pieces of poetry. Oh no! - I thought - this is not for me. So I put the book down thinking - some you win, some you don't. 

However, I had really enjoyed both "The Gallows Pole" and "The Offing" so for the five hour flight home from Luxor, I decided to give "Cuddy" another try. This time I knew what to expect and if I could battle through the early pages again perhaps I would be rewarded in the end.

Shirley had the window seat and a fidgety gentleman from Northern Ireland with a galling monotone voice had the aisle seat. I was trapped in the middle like a slice of corned beef in a sandwich. And so I began "Cuddy" again.

After fifty pages I was hooked.

After the prologue, the novel, if indeed you can call it a novel,  contains five separate movements including four  "books". They take us from AD995 to "The Daft Lad" in 2019. And throughout you feel the quiet presence of Saint Cuthbert - Cuddy.

The research that Benjamin Myers undertook to shore up what is effectively and ode to a legend, was both long and thorough - almost like building a great cathedral with printed words rather than quarried stone.

In the end I loved this book. I turned the pages with glee rather than duty and I was kind of sad to reach the last word which was "Leaves".

Here's another quotation from "Cuddy" just to give you a small flavour of the writing...

But then I awoke suddenly, stirred by what I perceived to be the sound of voices. When I opened my eyes …, I heard nothing but somehow felt quite certain of those voices – the echoes of whispered voices I should say – were still about the place. The whispers were words from a vocabulary I did not understand, a bastard tongue that appeared to make sense to the unseen speakers, but not to me, your impartial witness.

Stither.

Ungred.

Eedmah...

This comes from "The Corpse in the Cathedral" section in which a Cambridge academic, Professor Forbes Fawcett-Black, has been invited up to Durham to witness the exhumation  of Saint Cuthbert's remains. The year was 1827 and the grisly episode is based on real events.

There was lots of physicality in the telling of "Cuddy". Cold and hunger, sex and torture, blood and guts but never were these features gratuitous. They served the novel's broader aims. It was a real tour de force, an ambitious novel that pushed Benjamin Myers to the very limits of his artistic capabilities. Obviously, this book would not be for everybody but to me it was revelatory - rather like Saint Cuthbert himself. I am so glad that I gave it a second try.

Scarabs

Valley of the Kings

Of course, I knew of the significance of scarab beetles in ancient Egyptian culture before visiting the country. I had read that these humble insects symbolised rebirth, protection and the eternal cycle of life. When scarab beetles rolled balls of dung in the morning, it was as if they were rolling out the golden orb itself so they were connected with the sun god Ra.

Visiting tombs and temples in The Nile Valley I was drawn to several images of scarab beetles in the hieroglyphs and stone carvings. It seemed that when you looked they were everywhere - venerated and yet one of the humblest creatures of all.

As a souvenir gift for Phoebe I picked a golden scarab ornament that she could place on her window ledge. Maybe one day - when she is learning about Egypt at school - she will remember to take her special beetle in for other children to see.

And I bought myself a carved stone scarab beetle from Hopi's shop on the waterfront at Luxor. He had several very old ones in a dusty glass cabinet but this was the one I picked after knocking him down from one thousand Egyptian pounds to six hundred. That is about nine British pounds or $12US. There were many cheaper scarabs in the shop but I wanted to rescue this particular one. It was calling to me.

And now he sits on my desk. A lovely reminder of a lovely holiday in an awesome land.

Temple of Khnum,  Elephantine Island, Aswan

Perhaps you were wondering, "Do scarab beetles still exist?" And if so, I am happy to reassure you that they are certainly still with us. In fact there are 35,000 known types of beetle within the scarab family. The particular beetle that the Egyptians revered was the "scarabaeus sacer" or sacred scarab. I hope you are not eating right now...

Triumph

Piggy

A small crowd of British schoolboys find themselves on a deserted tropical island. It is a little unclear how they got there. Perhaps there has been a plane crash. At first it all seems like a spiffing adventure from "The Boy's Own Paper" but it isn't very long before a kind of dark collective madness emerges.

This is the core plot of "Lord of the Flies" by William Golding. It was his first novel. He wrote it in the early nineteen fifties with his wartime naval experiences fresh in his mind. He commanded a landing craft during the invasion of Normandy. The book was also a deliberate riposte to "The Coral Island" by R.M.Ballantyne (1857).

Ralph

I first read "Lord of the Flies" in the summer of 1966 when I was twelve years old - the same age as the lead characters in the novel - Ralph, Jack, Piggy and Simon. It brought me to the sudden realisation that fiction could be much more than just story-telling. It could arrest you. It could have underlying meanings. There could be symbolism and artistic ambition and language could be crafted to create both beauty and horror.

In short, it wowed me as no other book had done before. And I am convinced that that powerful early reading experience  played a big part in determining my academic career and the paid work that stemmed from my education. Pursuing English Literature at university led to me becoming an English teacher.

So yes - "Lord of the Flies" has always been seminal in my memory. Consequently, I was very curious about the BBC TV version of the novel that was screened in four parts last month. Frankly, I expected to be underwhelmed. 

Simon

Filmed in Malaysia in the summer of 2024, the BBC version was directed by Marc Munden with a script devised by Jack Thorne. It was a huge team effort and there was passionate commitment to the project by all the talented specialists who had been signed up. In addition, the boys who played the main parts were very well chosen. Some of them had had no previous experience of acting.

There were four episodic "movements" in the show titled "Piggy", "Jack", "Simon" and Ralph".

The disturbing make-up, the often jarring music, the cinematography and the attention to detail impressed me greatly. These elements really lifted the drama. It wasn't as if Marc Munden and Jack Thorne were trying to faithfully replicate Golding's novel on screen but they were aiming to be entirely true to his vision, understanding deeply what this famous book was all about. They brought out the darkness, the terror and ultimately the sense of hope.

I thought it was terrific.

Jack

Tribute

 The Friday Funnies

In memory of Bruce Taylor...

Bruce would always end his "Friday Funnies" posts with a "Star Trek" quip followed by a cat "funny"...

And always remember to keep laughing!!!

Here, kitty-kitty . . .