When Yorkshire Pudding won £7.5 million pounds on the UK National Lottery, he decided to host a party specifically for all the bloggers he had encountered on the web in the previous twelve months. All transport and accommodation costs were paid for and Mr Pudding even arranged to cover wage costs with the employers of any bloggers who were actually in work.
The party was held in a big marquee in Endcliffe Park, Sheffield. It was last used by the Beckhams when they threw their celebrity pre-World Cup bash in Sawbridgeworth. On the day of the party, YP waited nervously inside the tent, checking that everything was ready. On stage, Bruce Springsteen was tuning up. "Turn that f*!?*!g row down!" yelled Mr Pudding as he surveyed the canapes and the free drinks bar, "I'm The Boss now matey!"
Then the guests started arriving. Arthur Clewley was the first in. Wheelchair-bound with yellow drool dripping from his chin, his long-suffering wife Elsie pushed him straight to the bar where he ordered a Babycham and a pint of Irish stout for Elsie.
Looking surprisingly unjetlagged, but fresh in from Seattle, Brad the Gorilla bounced into the marquee in his fake gorilla suit. He hugged Mr Pudding, obsequiously declaring how much he looked up to him as a blogging trailblazer. "I am not worthy!" grinned Brad. Loitering behind him was the delicious Alkelda - author of "Saints and Spinners". Fluttering her eyelashes, she immediately tried to seduce the happily-married Mr Pudding. Though tempted by her feminine wiles, he pushed her away as if she were no more than a Verifican goatherd. "Get off me shallow wench! You're only after my millions!"
The night started to swing. Springsteen's set was amazing. Down at the front, Reidski was bopping away like a madman, his wild "Braveheart" hair flailing all over the place as he and his beloved JJ lost themselves in the music but later they smooched like teenagers when the band attempted a New Jersey version of "It Must Be Love". "It's all a load of cobblers to me!" chuntered Arthur Clewley in the corner.
Yorkshire Pudding was over at the bar guzzling
pints of Tetley with a bunch of American bloggers including his old buddies "By George" and Amy Fridays-Web. "Just a minute," whispered Pud, lifting Friday's long brown tresses to inspect her neck, "as I thought, as red as a beetroot!" "Yup! Weez all rednecks down South!" grinned George, displaying her ruddy nape.
A fight broke out near the Gents loo. Steve from "Occupied Country" and "Shooting Parrots" - both from Lancashire - were beating seven bells out of Ilkley's resident hippycook, "Yorkshire Soul". Pudding steamed in to assist his compatriot and as in the War of The Roses, the Lancastrian wimps were driven back to their dominoes. "What was all that about lads?" said mine host. "He said he'd had more hits on his blog than both of us put together!" sniffled The Parrotman.
In spite of their marital status, Krip from Gillingham and Martin from York were trying to chat up two of the female transatlantic guests - Kara from Georgia and Zandrea from Boston. The American ladies couldn't understand a word the lads were saying so Yorkshire Pudding came over to translate but before he could get a word out, into the marquee burst Australian blogger Dirk, creator of "Arm The Insane". "Jesus Christ, I feel as dry as a kangaroo's jock strap!" he uttered before visiting the bar for a bucket of Fosters, bumping in to The Retarded Rugrat from Vancouver who was smooching with her darling Jeff.
And so it went on until the early hours. There was dancing, revelry, quaffing of beer, necking of bottles, debate about blogging techniques and etiquette. Every blogger present was given a framed and signed photograph of Yorkshire Pudding who was lifted on to the stage in a wave of excitement as all the bloggers together sang, "For he's a jolly good fellow!".... And England won the World Cup!
Winner of the "Weekend" Silly Blog Post Award for June 2006