Britain's General Election is getting closer. It will be held on May 7th. Though I am happy to see that The Labour Party's star is rising, it may be time for a new contender - The Pudding Party. Here's my rough draft manifesto. In the "Comments" section please suggest another possible Pudding Party commitment.
1. Every worker will be entitled to a paid day off on his/her birthday. Schoolchildren will also be entitled to a day off.
2. Grouse shooting will be banned.
3. Cigarette smoking will become illegal on the day that the Pudding Party sweeps into office.
4. All rail fares will be halved and frozen for five years.
5. Bankers will not be allowed to receive any bonuses. Like most other workers, they will have to be satisfied with their regular salaries.
6. A committee will be set up to assess the feasibility of banning all religious garb.
7. The building of new mosques, temples or churches will not be permitted.
8. In schools, creative subjects will be central to the Pudding School Curriculum - including art, music, writing and design.
9. There will be far less Maths taught in our schools. Instead, every child will be issued with a free calculator. One hour of Maths a week will be enough for everyone.
10. Children aged ten to thirteen will be entitled to free swimming sessions each week of the school year.
11. The NHS will be one of the Pudding Party's priority zones but there will be some significant changes. Non-UK citizens will have to pay the market price for any treatment - either through medical insurance or from their own pockets. Drug companies' charges will be determined by the Pudding Party itself ensuring that gross profiteering is reined in. A fee will be introduced for any appointment with a doctor at a health centre. This fee will be linked to the patient's income so that unemployed patients pay £5 per appointment whereas the wealthiest patients will pay approximately £250 per visit to their doctor.
12. Any non-Yorkshire people who plan to make Yorkshire puddings must first pass a competency test overseen by a team of Yorkshire-born assessors led by former England and Yorkshire cricket captain Geoffrey Boycott.
13. The following people will be executed without trial - Jeremy Clarkson, Jeremy Kyle, all members of Take That, David Cameron, John Terry, Noel Edmonds and Jordan (aka Katie Price).
14. Lancashire will be encircled with barbed wire along with guards preventing exit and entry.
15. Any new bikini or brassiere designs will need to be personally approved by the leader of The Pudding Party.
16. Tetley's bitter will be reduced in price to £1 a pint.
17. All parking fees on public streets and in public car parks will be abolished and all parking enforcement officers will be sacked without compensation.
18. Tattoo parlours will not be permitted and anyone who is unfortunate enough to have any tattoos must keep them covered at all times when out and about in public.
19. There will be no more daytime television. TV channels will only be allowed to operate between the hours of 5pm and 1am.
20. Personalised number plates on cars will no longer be allowed.
21. Premiership footballers' wages will be limited to a maximum of £100,000 per annum.
22. Anyone found using mobile phones while driving will have their driving licences permanently revoked.
23. The BBC Radio 2 Sunday Morning "Love Songs" programme with DJ Steve Wright will be permanently abolished.
24. Anybody found guilty of child sex abuse will be dumped on the uninhabited Atlantic island of St Kilda and left to fend for themselves with no possibility of return to the British mainland.
25. Bloggers who don't post for months on end will be hauled before The Bloggers Tribunal to explain their laxity and if found wanting will be excommunicated from the blogosphere.
Any other ideas?
Any other ideas?
Love it YP! I would definitely vote for you.
ReplyDeleteI shall anoint you my PA. How's your shorthand Molly? And will you be up for some late night Pudding Party sessions?
DeleteMy shorthand is extremely rusty YP but as long as it's a proper party with lots of Yorkshire puds and gravy then I am up for it!
DeleteGood. Let's rock and roll!
DeleteOMG ~ I was curious what you were going to do for bloggers ~ and I see I am going to be excommunicated. Better start blogging again!
ReplyDeleteYes Carol. It's nigh time for you to start blogging again but this time you will need a pseudonym. How about Nellie Melba - "the greatest diva from Down Under"?
DeleteIs there some way I can vote for the Pudding Party?
ReplyDeleteYes Mary. Send me half your life savings and I will make sure you get to vote.
DeleteI'm with you on most of these YP. I will give some thought to any I might wish to add.
ReplyDeleteI should have said that another policy will concern Britain's relationship with Australia and New Zealand. When The Pudding party gets in. Aussie and Kiwi visitors will take priority over EU citizens and there will be no barriers to them working or studying here. This will also apply to Canadian citizens whose first language is English.
DeleteWe already have The Monster Raving Loony Party and the Lib Dems. Is there room for you as well?
ReplyDeleteUnlike the other two parties you mentioned, The Pudding Party will be serious contenders. We shall need fine upstanding supporters like yourself Adrian. Fancy being Shadow Minister of Technology and Fungi?
DeleteLove Adrian's new job title.
DeleteDo you think it should be "Shadowy" rather than "Shadow"?
DeleteYes ~ <>
DeleteWhere is the technology to come from? I thought you were demoting science and maths. Mathematics is the building block everything is constructed on.
DeleteI'll happily bring my athletic foot to the party.
Sorry to have rattled your cage Sir Adrian! For the majority of schoolchildren Mathematics is and always has been exceedingly boring and irrelevant. We weren't all boffins sitting at the front and sticking our hands up to answer the Maths teacher's questions you know! Some of us were looking out of the window and dreaming, not caring a fig what x might equal.
DeleteCan I send a few people over the pond to help you get the total of #13 to about 25 people? And can we make sure that the management and heads of companies receive only three times the salary of the highest paid employee with the rest of the money going to fight orphan diseases, to investment in renewable energy, to really, really teaching our children, to ....to......oh, my list is too endless!
ReplyDeleteYes Mama Thyme. Send 'em over. We will happily extinguish their miserable lives for you. I like your salary differential idea and I shall present it at the next policy meeting for approval.
DeleteSet up a poll on these. some I like and some are terrible ideas. You'd find out how much support there would be for your party.
ReplyDeleteTerrible ideas? Oh dear Red. I don't need support. The people will decide at the ballot box.
DeleteMost I agree with, Mr. Head of the Pudding Party. However there are some that are beyond belief! lol
ReplyDelete1. Every worker will be entitled to a paid day off on his/her birthday. Schoolchildren will also be entitled to a day off. X
10. Children aged ten to thirteen will be entitled to free swimming sessions each week of the school year.week of the school year. X (That's far too late for children to learn how to swim)!!!!
12. Any non-Yorkshire people who plan to make Yorkshire puddings must first pass a competency test overseen by a team of Yorkshire-born assessors led by former England and Yorkshire cricket captain Geoffrey Boycott. X Too late...I've already made hundreds of Yorkshire Puds!!
13. The following people will be executed without trial - Jeremy Clarkson, Jeremy Kyle, all members of Take That, David Cameron, John Terry, Noel Edmonds and Jordan (aka Katie Price). I just heard on the TV (yes...it's day time here...that Katie Price will be here in Aus for about three or so months from this coming June forward...so you'll be free of her for a while)!! You can keep Clarkson. I can't stand him!
15. Any new bikini or brassiere designs will need to be personally approved by the leader of The Pudding Party. X I'm starting to worry about you!!!
18. Tattoo parlours will not be permitted and anyone who is unfortunate enough to have any tattoos must keep them covered at all times when out and about in public. Hear! Hear! And Ditto! Ditto!!!
19. There will be no more daytime television. TV channels will only be allowed to operate between the hours of 5pm and 1am. X
24. Anybody found guilty of child sex abuse will be dumped on the uninhabited Atlantic island of St Kilda and left to fend for themselves with no possibility of return to the British mainland; and any other country for that matter. Let the bastards drown or starve!!!
There you go!
Lee - I am saddened that you have dismissed a number of the key points in the manifesto. With regard to your cooking, I am afraid that those things you called Yorkshire puddings cannot have been Yorkshire puddings as you are not a Yorkshirewoman and they were not authorised. Let's just say they were fakes. Sorry to upset you.
DeleteI'm not upset, nor were my restaurant diners through the years for whom I produced such deliciously succulent Yorkshire Puds. :)
DeleteYou'll have to excuse me now, Yorky...I've just cooked and plated up some roast beef, roast vegetables, Yorkshire Pudding, rich brown gravy with some horseradish to accompany it all. *wink*
Good luck with your election campaign! If your party gets in you are going to have to resurrect that bunch of people you banished to the basement years ago and install them as the Enforcers.
ReplyDeleteMs Soup
The people in the underhouse were parking enforcement officers. They were duly transported to Afghanistan and became members of the Taliban. I heard that two of them were exterminated when they attempted to flee to Pakistan. AlphaBetty - would you accept the role of Head of Security and Tea Making if/when The Pudding Party gets in?
DeleteI'll be there, although I'm probably better equipped for the Tea Making than Head of Security. I assume relocation costs are part of this truly amazing offer.
DeleteNo relocation costs. Your reward is simply to serve The Party. This is worth far more than any financial returns AlphaBetty!
Delete1. Quiet zones on buses, in shops and most importantly in cafes and restaurants -and cinemas
ReplyDelete2. Bring back dog licences
3. Sbsidised village shops
4 reduce tax on scotch eggs
Thank you Comrade Gray. Your suggestions will be put to the Revolutionary Committee.
DeleteIf you're wearing sports gear, e.g. track suit bottoms etc. you must prove to the Enforcers that you are going to/coming from sport in which you actually participate, not just by standing and shouting at other people being physically active. You will do this by running briskly round a standard sports running track.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't prove this, your baggy tracksuit and trainers will be confiscated and burned.
An excellent idea Comrade Anna. I have no doubt that this will be approved by The Revolutionary Committee.
DeleteAt first I thought it was the 1 April. Then I wondered why I had come back to Blogland from my time away just at this moment. Was I sent by A Great Being to save the world from the Pudding Party? Or was it just another of my night stallions?
ReplyDeletePS Just you leave St Kilda alone. Exile them somewhere on the Yorkshire Moors. Lancastrians would be OK then because of all the barbed wire protecting them.
What the hell is a night stallion Graham? I have an image of you riding bareback across the moonlit bogs and beaches of Lewis like Poldark of the Western Isles upon your trusty steed Scouser.
DeleteMuch as I would love to be riding a chestnut horse across the sands of Lewis with the wind in my hair (well if I had any) a night stallion is simply a rather horrible version of a night mare. I categorise dreams as dreams, night ponies, night mares and night stallions (which are just below night terrors).
DeleteAre there night donkeys too?
DeleteNight donkeys? Night asses? Night mules? I might have to refine my classifications.
DeleteI have to disagree with your suggestion that Geoffrey Boycott should be the judge of Yorkshire Puddings. Surely only a Yorkshire woman (whose fame with Yorkshires reaches the four corners of her kitchen) could do that?
ReplyDeleteCould I, in all modesty, put myself forward to the aid of the party?
Probably not, as I would have to nip outside for a cigarette while the Yorkshires were rising.
Hello KitKat. In order to become an assessor of Yorkshire puddings it is vital that you give up the dreaded weed as any smoky vestiges of it may affect the taste and rising process. As a Yorkshirewoman blessed with above average courage and determination all you have to do is exert your willpower. I did this twenty six years ago and have never smoked even one cigarette since.
DeleteIf a blogger begins blogging again, can they apply to have their blogging license reinstated if they promise to be good thereafter?
ReplyDeleteHear hear for John Gray's number 1. Please also require cinemas to keep movies sound under a certain decibel. I am getting deaf yet still the volume goes up and up.
Whoops, licence. (NZ, UK, Yorkshire)
ReplyDelete