5 January 2014

Men

Putin - so manly at only 5 feet 6 inches.
Women must often thank their lucky stars that they are not men. Being a man is hard. There are many difficult things to learn and challenging skills to master.

When men sneeze, they mustn't emit pathetic, whimpering sneezes but full-blown, powerful blasts that make small children and sleeping pets jump. To achieve this impressive level of sneezing takes months of secret practice and I am eternally grateful to my late father Philip for the many hours he spent with me down by our local canal teaching me the art of manly sneezing.

It's exactly the same with the passing of noxious wind. Real men must fart like trumpeters - not sneaking them out with feminine silent apology. A manly fart should reverberate, causing the performer to smile with a sense of masculine achievement and pride. It should measure no less than 160 decibels and if possible form a small chain of loud emissions - not a solitary blast.

Burping requires a lifetime of exercise in order to maximise length, volume and the disgusted glances of female witnesses. Of course, certain foodstuffs and drinks will aid the production of impressive burps. Personally, I find that "Pepsi Max" is excellent burping fuel and from one single can I can easily muster fourteen or fifteen manly burps.

Men have to learn to master a range of manly devices from the screwdriver to the electric lawn mower and from the power drill to the television remote control. Even so, there are devices that real men must never come to terms with and these include the vacuum cleaner, the steam iron with ironing board, food mixers, automatic washing machines and central heating controls. Real men do not feel the cold and even when their home is freezing like The North Pole they must walk around in string vests and underpants, scratching their private parts while announcing "I'm not cold".

When proper men go shopping, they do not browse or loiter. They have no understanding of the term "leisure shopping". Visiting the shops is like a Viking raid. You know exactly what you want. You go into the shop, purchase it and then get out  as quickly as possible. This is why the average family man only spends a maximum of ten minutes on Christmas present shopping each year.

To be a fully qualified man you must be able to fight. Okay you are not going to be fighting every week or even every year but you must always be ready. You never know when you are going to need to get another bloke in a headlock or beat him to the floor. It's probably something inscribed deep in our DNA that goes back to our hunting and gathering ancestors

Modern men - at least in the rich western world - drive cars. When in charge of a car a man must adopt a state of mind in which he sees himself as the world's best driver. As he looks out on other road users he will see thousands of mindless wallies whose driving skills are so appalling that they will require certain hand gestures, mouthed swear words and angry blasts from the horn.

With regard to food, a man must never leave an empty plate. He must eat the entire meal - no matter how high the plate has been piled. This will include fat, gristle, bones and any accidentally included foreign bodies such as caterpillars or hairs. And naturally when the meal is over he must signal his satisfaction with a manly burp. It is the same down at the pub where a man should never partake of soft drinks or less than five pints of beer on each visit.

Yes. Being a man isn't easy. I have tried my best to pass on all that I know to my own son and am happy to report that he is a chip off the old block - demonstrating his manliness each day in most of the ways described above. As Rudyard Kipling wrote:-

If you can sneeze with power and keep your virtue,
Or fart like Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can outburp you,
If all men fight with you, but none too much;
If you can clear your plate in just a  minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
William Tell and son

26 comments:

  1. Mae West had the right idea when she said
    " it's not the hen in my life...it's the life in my men"

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    1. I didn't realise Mae West was a poultry fancier.

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  2. You must be so proud of Ian then.......is he still with a girlfriend or single?

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    1. Sadly, after five years, he and his girlfriend split up. And this is not a joke Libby - she was clinically depressed.

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  3. I take issue with "When proper men go shopping, they do not browse or loiter." This is only the case in shops other than Maplins. My other half will leisure shop for hours if he's surrounded by electronic gadgetry, IT bits and bobs, or other tecky gubbins.

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    1. Now you come to mention it, I rather like loitering in the aisles of B&Q.

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  4. Is this an original post from you, Mr. Pudding? Sounds like to me you had some help from Earl Gray.

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    1. All my own work Mama Thyme...but I hope you can tell that it was very much tongue in cheek! In reality I think that men and women are just people. We are not really in two camps. There are far more similarities than differences. By the way, please stay warm if that Arctic weather keeps blasting down south.

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  5. Do men get more points if they also fart when they sneeze? Or is that a sign of advancing age?

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    1. Yes but such co-ordination doesn't hit the points jackpot. To really score highly the man must sneeze and fart whilst copulating and playing a harmonica.

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  6. God, how the mighty have fallen. A depressing post for me, YP. I am on my third day doing the laundry and now have all that ironing to face. I still retain the Manly art of breaking wind at both ends simultaneously, though.

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    1. Mischievously, I added the automatic washer with you in mind. Glad you took the bait!

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    2. Never mind taking the bait, I took it all, hook, line and sinker but if the shoe fits...

      Did you receive the email I sent to your Hotmail address?

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  7. Putin is only 5'6'' ? I knew he wasn't exactly tall, but I didn't think he is shorter than I am (5'8'').
    What does it say about a man who owns over 320 perfumes, I wonder? (I have tested his manly qualities in many other ways, so I know with 100 % certainty that he is not a woman in disguise.)

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    1. Are you thinking about RJ? 320 aromas? What natural scents is he trying to disguise? I have just one after shave spray. Seriously. It's "Brut" - I find it is a big "turn on" for the ladies... or it could simply be my charming personality.

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  8. I am so glad that you have explained all so succinctly. I shall now remember to look at my husband with more respect.

    If he sneezes in class he announces it first 'SNEEZE!' and all the kids take cover under their desks. If he sneezes in the car and I don't cover my ears, he makes them pop more often than not.

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    1. You have secured a bona fide "real man". His sneezing ability sounds exemplary. Please iron a shirt for him on my behalf. How's his snoring?

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  9. You make us sound so damned attractive to the ladies, Pudding. But I wouldn't want any woman who would be attracted to such a man.

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    1. Oh dear Bob, you clearly need a few lessons if you are to be brought up to speed in "man world". You could begin in secret with cans of "Pepsi Max", exercising your obviously repressed burping skills. Jenny in Wrexham may be able to provide some online counselling too.

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  10. Oh YP I am sorry about your lad.......perhaps if he ever fancies it he could become friends with my beautiful daughter now she's in London?

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    1. Shall we arrange a blind date for them? He is handsome, clean and sociable - unlike his father!

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  11. Sadly for real men, my husband's snoring diminished in volume at the same rate as he diminished in size. He took up athletics and is half the man he used to be. Cuddly and loud snores, or scrawny and light burbles. It was a tough choice.

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    1. As hubby has changed, have you also transmogrified in parallel? Nothing stays the same any more.

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  12. Mmm ...a blind date.....what an interesting idea.......I'm sure he is just a chip off the old block.....so handsome, clean, sociable and with a good heart sounds good to this mother....how shall we arrange it?

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  13. They can meet for lunch one Saturday soon. Ian lives in the Highbury/Arsenal area. Which area does your daughter live in? ...Oh, and is she clean and well-mannered?

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  14. Clean and well mannered? need you ask?

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.