Mistakes we made. The wrong words spoken. Bad choices.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could go back in time and erase bad episodes? Replace them with better, more preferable alternatives that are not tainted with regret or still subject to self-flagellation.
Sadly, no such facility is available and we all have to live with the consequences of our actions and what we said or didn't say.
I guess there are some sunny people out there who can just brush away the negative stuff and rejoice in their happy times, their moments of fulfilment and proud achievement. But I am not one of those. I just cannot help myself. Frequently, I replay scenes or moments from my past that I still beat myself up about years later. I curse at myself and shake my head, occasionally muttering expressions under my breath like: "You stupid bastard!" or "Why? Why the hell did you say that?"
Am I alone in this? Is it just me?
Up at last night's pub quiz in "The Hammer and Pincers", I was saying to my friend Mick that for the most part people cannot help who they are. Your nature may be loud and outgoing or you might be quiet and introspective. You may be boastful or shy. You might value education and books or you might shun all of that.
In a similar way, I cannot call a halt to my endless self-criticism. Mostly it is a private, internal thing that I do not share with others. And remarking upon it via this blogpost is I think very much out of character for me.
To repeat, that possibility of replacement - of revising the past - is merely a chimera - an illusion or un-realizable dream. The truth of it is that you just have to soldier on being who you are.
Even though I KNOW I cannot go back in time and change my stupidity into something better, I still long for the ability to try.
ReplyDeleteI experience similar regrets. It seems the same ones come up all the time. I would bet that most of your commenters experience the same regrets.
ReplyDeleteAny critical voice we experience in our young lives becomes a harsh inner critic. I think it would be pretty much ubiquitous in your generation
ReplyDeleteWith a great deal of practice, I have become much better at choosing my words and reactions carefully, though my face usually gives me away
Well, we all try after the fact. But the fact is it's always AFTER the fact. So, what the hell, I guess we just have to live with it.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things that I've said and done that I wish I could take back. I'm awake right now, instead of sleeping, because of that very thing. My sisters have a hard time with the truth, especially from me. Sigh. Eventually my brain will give in and shut up.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone in this, I do it too, though not so much these days. I'm more able to lock away those thoughts and get on with being the me I am today.
ReplyDeleteThat is an incredibly simple set of words for an immensely complicated set of circumstances. I would venture a guess that a lot depends on whether one is a spontaneous or considered sort of person. I think that most of my regrettable gaffes occurred when I was being spontaneous. Spontaneity is not generally part of my nature which can make me dull and boring but generally 'safe'. As to which is better I have no idea but I would say that spontaneous people are, in my opinion, far more interesting than those who over-consider things.
ReplyDeleteI think those of us with a conscience will inevitably wish to go back and re-do or re-say things. I certainly do. The frustrating thing is, we can't, but at least we have the wisdom to know we shouldn't have said or done it. There must be a lot of people, though, who don't have that conscience in the first place.
ReplyDeleteOf course you are not alone in this, Neil, and I suppose the question was a rhetorical one. I have regrets, too, but thankfully, there are not too many, and most of the time I can live with them pretty well. Every now and then, though, they pop up, and I have been shedding hot tears over stuff I can not change - I can only try to be better than that.
ReplyDeleteAside from wishing I showed my late partner much more verbal love, I have few regrets. You do what you do at the time for certain reasons. You are thinking and speaking on the fly. How can that be perfect?
ReplyDeleteGraham's comment strikes a cord for me - I probably have more of a "better-safe-than-sorry" kind of character as well. (That's not the same as no regrets, mind.) Either way, you're right of course that we can't go back in time. At best, we may learn from the past for our way forward.
ReplyDeleteI do that to myself. A quick, maybe intended as funny, maybe just the first thing that entered my mind comes out, and I spend years replaying the event. Long after the other person has forgotten, forgiven, or died.
ReplyDeleteI am black and blue from constantly beating myself up. Perhaps, as I seem to be forgetting more and more things these days, I may eventually forget all my bad moments.
ReplyDeleteI like what Maya Angelou says, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Hopefully, we all learn from our regrets...
ReplyDeleteI have a foreman in my head always criticizing me and never mentions the good times and my achievements.
ReplyDeleteI am like that, too, and as a socially awkward and even a socially incompetent person I have loads of them. The thing is, others who were there often don't remember, even if they thought anything of them at the time.
ReplyDeleteYou can't revise the past, but I think being self-aware enough to know you made a mistake is a huge thing. If you learn something from the process, that's valuable, and even just being contrite softens and humanizes us a bit, I think.
ReplyDeleteI am totally like you in that I am very critical of myself. Usually I keep it to myself, but occasionally I will mutter something where I am cutting myself down. I try and not do it, but it still comes out. Like you said, we are who we are, and I have always lacked confidence whereas I think my brother has way too much of it.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part people cannot help who they are? Well, if you believe that, then you won't change. But if you're more in the self-determination, free will camp, as I am, then you can change and improve and ... be what you want to be
ReplyDelete