2 March 2010

Hammered

Blogs can be like confessionals. Bless me father for I have sinned and all that. Through this blog, I have previously confessed to some of my many human frailties such as shopping at "Netto", drinking copious amounts of Tetley's bitter, supporting Hull City, travelling the world in search of the holy grail of curries and being an avid "EastEnders" fan. You may laugh my friend but I am not ashamed. We all have skeletons in our closets. And for me it is time to reveal another...well two actually.

It used to be that I was simply anti-daytime television but since leaving my teaching job last summer, I have seen numerous episodes of the BBC's property programme - "Homes Under The Hammer" hosted by Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander. It is shown at ten in the morning and usually lasts for an hour. Never seen it? Let me explain...

It's all about the purchase of properties at auctions and how those properties are later transformed by the successful bidders. Each programme focuses on three individual property stories. First of all, Martin or Lucy visit the property that is coming up for auction and talk about its history, faults and possibilities. The property is valued by a couple of estate agents and then we move to the auction itself. After the auction, Martin or Lucy meet up with the successful bidder and discuss their plans. Weeks or months later, the camera crew returns to the property to see how the makeover has gone. The estate agents return and a new valuation is made. I have hardly ever seen a case in which the buyer fails to profit from his or her investment of money and time.

You may be thinking - So? Why watch it? I guess I simply like to see the transformations from the comfort of our sofa. No filler or paint on my hands, no trips to the DIY store, no late nights up step ladders - just the joy of witnessing effective home improvements. Sometimes it's just a paint job and a tidy up but on other occasions there's major structural work to be done involving diggers, cranes and sledge hammers. This is a programme that it is at one level "serious" but it totally ignores the social or news issues of the day. There's no murder or thievery, no racism or sexism, no politicians spouting off or celebrities posing on red carpets and there's no inane laughter or painfully inept drama to behold.

And so to my second confession. I have never been one for hero worship or celebrity crushes but Lucy Alexander? Good lord, I think she is what Katherine in New Zealand would call "eye candy". Should Lucy ever ask me out for a pint and a curry, in spite of my marital status, I would find it impossible to resist. There I have said it father...

10 comments:

  1. It's only a short step to Jeremy Kyle now you know.

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  2. Elizabeth8:38 am

    Bless you, my child; as your penance you must consume the hottest of Phall curries, served in a dilapidated building by a blonde tv presenter, who will lead you slowly through the rudiments of interior design.
    I will expect to see you back in the confessional box, on a regular basis, for I can see that you are irredeemibly flawed and, therefore, heavenly to listen to. xx

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  3. Do they have television in the daytime, then? What's happened to the Test Card with the little girl on it?

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  4. Definitely time for another pic of Easter Island my friend!

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  5. Oh, what????
    Get back to your teaching job. You are seriously falling by the wayside, my lad!!!
    ('Doctors' is much more interesting.)

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  6. Ah. Now I know what eye candy will tempt you! I will have to see what I can find for the first of next month. But in exchange, you must undertake never to make disparaging comments about other people's eye candy preferences. Fair enough?

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  7. And say two thousand hail Marys.

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  8. DAN If I ever switch to Jeremy Kyle please shoot me with a howitzer.
    ELIZABETH Oh sweet mother of Scarborough, I admit I am a miserable sinner. It's like opening a Pandora's box of wickedness.
    DAPHNE I have heard that the little girl from the test card is now a theatrical agent and medical role play facilitator, somewhere in darkest Yorkshire.
    MOPSA Perhaps I could have a free pampered week at South Yeo Farm in order to battle my affliction?
    JENNY Ruddy hell - "Doctors"! Do you know any good counsellors?
    KATHERINE Reluctantly and sheepishly - okay. Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Stones! Hail Mary! Hail Mary! etc...

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  9. The thought of Puddo unleashing some caulk in the company of Lucy, is it too much to bear...

    Where would old perma-tan with the blonde mullet, the faded 80s pop star be in this fantasy, I wonder?

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  10. LORD O'BOOTH of GALWAY Obviously the other presenter - Martin Roberts - would be watching with keen interest as I showed off my advanced caulking skills to the lovely Lucy.

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