21 October 2016

Torture

You are doing something peaceful. Perhaps reading a newspaper, watching "Escape to the Country" on the television or listening to "You and Yours" on Radio 4. And then all of a sudden you are rudely disturbed by the horrible noise of continuous mechanical suction. The vacuum cleaner has been turned on again! Oh no!

It was the same when I was a boy. There I would be happily playing with my Dinky toys on the carpet or buried in "Look and Learn" and our mother would start up the old Hoover. She would come swishing over the carpet with the thing and above the whining din I would hear her commands to move my little cars or lift my legs. I swear that in a slightly malevolent way she loved to observe the discomfiture that was caused by her frequent vacuuming.

In comparison, sweeping brushes are far quieter and more in tune with the human psyche. But a vacuum cleaner - it's like an instrument of aural torture. Over the years, they haven't got any quieter. It seems we can send men to the moon or eradicate smallpox, send Coca Cola to every corner of the planet or develop smartphone technology but we can't produce a silent vacuum cleaner.

If an inventor ever comes up with an efficient, reliable and silent vacuum cleaner, he or she should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace. In the meantime I guess we must continue to suppress the annoyance we feel whenever a vacuum cleaner is switched on, waiting for the heavenly feeling that returns when the power is cut.

20 comments:

  1. The only time I ever sing is when I'm using my Dyson. I'm convinced nobody can hear me above the noise of the machine so I really let rip. A quiet vacuum cleaner just wouldn't work for me.

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    1. I can't say I have ever heard the song "When I'm Using My Dyson". Perhaps it's a modern version of George Formby's "When I'm Cleaning Windows".

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  2. I would really be concerned if that happened around here (and then happy if it did)....because there is only me and my two furry rascals who live here.

    If one of those ghosts you were discussing the other day decided to flick the switch on my vacuum cleaner I'd smile and tell it to go ahead...the floor is all his/hers!

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    1. That gives me an idea for a scary short story - "The Ghost Vacuum"

      Lee sat bolt upright in bed. It was the noise again - that infuriating humming. Her cat Remy yowled as her hair stood on end. The humming continued, swishing this way and that in a maddening rhythm.

      Lee crept out of bed, donning her pink candlewick dressing gown and her koala fur slippers. She grabbed the riding crop that she kept by the bed for occasional male visitors and tiptoed into the living room where pale moonlight illuminated a familiar household scene.

      Her heart skipped a beat and she trembled with fear as she saw... (to be continued)

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    2. ......as she saw that lovely occasional male visitor! The End. Close the Door. (hahaha)

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    3. It was Clint !! The little chocolate rascal had escaped from the fridge again, and gone on the rampage with the vacuum cleaner !!

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    4. ...the occasional male visitor and Clint were having a fine old time. After all what could possibly be more fun than vacuuming a floor in the middle of the night?

      Lee growled at the pair of them, "You guys have woken me up and now you have to pay!"

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    5. No pink candlewick dressing gown or koala fur slippers here!!! Who needs such things?? As for the riding crop...I refuse to comment - I plead the Fifth!!!

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  3. Last year I spent a lot of money to purchase an ultra silent machine and what happened? This spring I stored it in the attic and fished up my old loud cleaner. Utra silent yes, but so inaccurate that a blue carpet got a grey surface. But I agree, if one day someone comes up with an efficient and silent vacuum cleaner he deserves the Nobel Prize for Peace!

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    1. I don't mind the noise when I am operating the vacuum cleaner myself. The torture happens whenever other people are vacuuming.

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  4. Over the years, I have learned never to vacuum when the Big Bear is at home in his den. Cause, if I do, we then have a grouchy Big Bear. Nobody likes a grouchy bear!

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    1. When the vacuum hums The Big Bear goes "GrrrrrRRRRRRR!"
      I have noticed that 95% of the world's vacuuming is undertaken by women. It is my theory that they see it as their preferred method of revenge against the slobbish, dust-blind male populace.

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  5. My dog and cat used to run for cover whenever I got out the vacuum cleaner. Maybe they were trying to tell me something but couldn't get the words out.

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    1. Yes they were ADDY and what they were trying to say was "TURN THAT BLOODY THING OFF!"

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  6. My Dyson is very noisy, but it has to be said that it's getting on in years (like it's owner). The dogs we've had have either run a mile, ignored it, or actually let us vacuum their fur. One dog used to stand in front of the machine, walk backwards, attack it, and then bark at it dementedly ! Good job we haven't got any near neighbours !

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    1. No the neighbours all escaped because of the madhouse in their midst!

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  7. My mum had a virtual collection of vacuum cleaners, just in case one broke down.
    She hovered twice a day, and couldn't stand the carpet pile being messed up.
    Miserable for the other members of the household.
    ~Jo

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    1. Did she cackle as she hoovered Jo?

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  8. I'm sure my mother relished disturbing us from our overly peaceful pursuits just as she couldn't bear us to stay in bed past nine.

    These days my husband seems to take a very long time to sweep the bit of floor I lift my feet from.

    It's the self righteousness of the obsessed

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    1. That last phrase - "The Self-Righteousness of the Obsessed" could be the title of a book about vacuuming... or maybe a horror film.

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