Simon aged 2 - on the beach at Filey in 1958.
The image was captured by our father, Philip.
Of course the dead are dead and there's no use in appealing to them. They have gone. But if I could, I would like to say sorry to my brother Simon with regard to some photographs.
Let me explain.
For several years he lived with our aging mother following the break up of his relationship with Linda. They had bought a home together and it seemed that Linda might save him from himself. She wanted babies and a normal life in her hometown on the Yorkshire coast but Simon couldn't handle it and everything fell apart.
He went back to our mother's house and at the same time lost his job. He became reliant on Mum who gave him shelter and put food on the table. Sadly, she was rather afraid of him. He became quite nasty to her and was frequently threatening. It stressed her out but he was her youngest son and she felt it was her maternal duty to help him - come what may.
Simon as a baby in 1956 with my oldest
brother Paul who died in June 1010
Mum died in an old folks home in September 2007 but Simon continued to live in her house and one of my other brothers was most unhappy with this arrangement and wanted Simon out so that the house could be sold. In due course that is what happened. Simon left the house in late 2010. Mum's belongings had to be stored or rescued as Simon didn't yet have another place to live even though by now he was back in full-time employment.
I picked up some of Mum's stuff and shoved it up in our attic before heading off to Thailand on my first temporary teaching contract in Bangkok. I forgot about the stuff but in early 2019, Simon began asking about it. He claimed that I had all of the family photographs and he not only wanted them, he needed them. We looked all over our house for the pictures he was talking about.
Simon as some sort of cowboy when he was perhaps four
In the last five years of his life, he never phoned me unless he wanted something so it was down to me to phone him and whenever I called him he would always bang on about those bloody pictures. I really thought he was mistaken but it turns out that I was wrong.We did have those pictures after all. They were kind of hidden up in our attic - the jumbled contents of which we tackled just last month ahead of the installation of our new roof. The photos were in a white plastic bag with the name "SIMON" written upon it with a permanent black marker pen.
So yes, now is the time to say "sorry" to Simon and to share with blog visitors four of the photographs I found in that bag. Sadly, I cannot turn the clock back and tell him that he had been right all along. That is how it goes.
Simon in the school football team at Beverley Grammar School
when he was fourteen or fifteen
We all mourn our errors in life.
ReplyDeleteSome more than others I think.
Deleteoh, now this is the kind of story that sticks in my head forever.
ReplyDeleteWhat a pity your mum ended up living with a son she was afraid of. It must have been heartbreaking for her and for everyone else. I understand though, it would take a lot for most of us to turn our back on a child in need
She used to wedge a chair against her bedroom door handle out of fear that he would come in in the middle of the night.
DeleteDon't beat yourself up on this one. Everybody was jumping through hoops because of Simon. So if Simon had been more responsible and independent, he may have had the pictures that were his. It's sad but you've done your best.
ReplyDeleteYou have caught something that was very true about him Red.
DeleteIf only you'd thought to look in the attic where you stashed your mums things. He was a cutie wasn't he.
ReplyDeleteShirley did look in the attic but I had not been up there in a few years because of my knees.
DeleteWhat a bonnie baby he was, and happy child with a sunny smile. It is sad to look at these pictures, knowing from your account what became of him later, but at least he had happy times in his life, too.
ReplyDeleteWould it have made a difference to him if he had been proven right and given these pictures in his lifetime? We can't know for sure, but I doubt it.
And I repeat what I said to you a while back, you still were the best brother you could be to him, both before and after his death.
It was hard love him as you love your sister. He was so wrapped up in himself and everybody else was stupid or imperfect to him.
DeleteYoung looks are never an indicator of mental health problems to come in later years. Regardless of you unknowingly having the photos, they are now in safe hands.
ReplyDeleteHe was obsessed with family history and research but didn't seem to care much for his living family. His desperation for the photos was linked to that obsession.
DeleteThat is a sad story. There is a great sense of guilt and remorse when we are no longer able to put right the wrongs, however inadvertent, that we may have done to people we have loved.
ReplyDeleteA wise and apposite refection JayCee.
DeleteI meant to tackle the loft back in Brighton this last winter, but somehow never got round to it. One of the things I wanted was photos. So many memories stuffed away in boxes; I really must venture up there when we return.
ReplyDeleteYes you must or send Anna* up there!
Delete* = most common female name in Sweden.
Things we wish we'd said. Things we wish we'd done. Our lives are full of them. Simon's life could have been so different and enriching for the whole family had this marriage worked out. There but for the grace of god.
ReplyDeleteHe wasn't married but when you buy a house together it is as good as being married. I guess they were together for about seven years.
DeleteIt seems that Simon was hell bent on his own destruction. How terrible for your mother that she lived in fear of him - he played on the fact that he was her son and therefore she should help him.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me very glad that I have no siblings.
What you imagine about my mother's situation with him is spot on Carol. It was an awful time for her. He treated her like muck. She sometimes came to stay with us for a week or so and was always very anxious about going back. He took her smile away.
DeleteSimon is not just some sort of cowboy.
ReplyDeleteSimon is rehearsing the role of Emiliano Zapata, and protecting his girlfriend's
wee dolly from being abducted by the bad guys.
All Simon needs is a black burnt cork moustachio and a white horse.
Elia Kazan's 1952 film Viva Zapata was from a screenplay by John Steinbeck.
Alan Reed played Pancho Villa who got himself shot dead.
*Mexican Hat Dance (That's Why Mexicans Dance On Your Hats.).*
Allan Sherman Show. YouTube.
*Mexican Hat Dance (El Jarabe Tapatio).*
Andre Rieu. YouTube.
Lrd knows where that straw hat came from.
DeleteFamily can be challenging, maybe I should try my oldest brother again, or one last time.
ReplyDeleteIs he jealous of you and what you have achieved?
DeleteWhat beautiful children you were.
ReplyDeleteMum and Dad were so proud of us and loved us all. None of us expected Simon to go the way he did. I am sure that he sped up both of my parents' deaths.
DeleteSimon could have had those pictures all along if he had been able to take care of himself and his stuff when he was leaving your Mom's house. It's too bad they weren't found earlier but you did a LOT for him so don't dwell on it, Neil.
ReplyDeleteYou show that you understand the situation Ellen. Thanks.
DeleteWell, that IS a shame, but at least you have the photos. I wonder why Simon felt he "needed" them? Did he just want to look at them, or did he have a plan for them?
ReplyDeleteHe was obsessed with family history and an old school Facebook page. I think he wanted them in those connections. It was interesting that he spent many hours on family research but didn't seem much bothered about his living family.
DeleteI agree wholeheartedly with Red. With everything you and your whole extended family went through because of Simon, he got more than his share of favors and help and consideration. It's not as though you intentionally kept the photos from him. And you showed him a great deal of care at the end of his life.
ReplyDeleteIn spite of everything, I am glad that I was there for him at the end. It is what my parents would have wanted.
DeleteThat's life and we have to live with our decisions..
ReplyDeleteAnd that's true.
DeleteA sad story all around, for both Simon - who I am quite sure did not start out life with the intention of being into drugs or having mental health problems or alienating everyone who could have loved him - and for his family, including you, who tried to help but the mountain was too steep to be scaled. I understand your remorse but you will have to forgive yourself as you would forgive anyone else, by knowing you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
ReplyDeleteYour insight based on supposition is remarkably valid Jenny. Thank you.
DeleteI understand your feelings of regret. You were a steadfast and loyal brother to Simon, at times when it must have been hard to be so.
ReplyDeleteI knew that if I didn't hang on, there'd be nobody else. He had become quite disconnected - like a monk in his cell.
Delete