Lifejackets

If you are a news junkie like me you find yourself bombarded by tragic stories. Stories of warfare and shooting. Murders, pestilence, weather events, man's inhumanity to man. After a while you become slightly inured to it all. But once in a while a story crops up that really sticks in your gullet and so it has been with a story I heard this week from Kalkan and Deniz's homeland - Turkey.

You will all have seen images of refugees packed aboard little boats, making for Grecian isles in the good old European Union. These desperate people are not allowed to board regular, approved ferries that would bring them safely to the islands. Instead, they have to shell out wads of cash to low-life people smugglers, fishermen and other greedy entrepreneurs in order to make the hazardous crossings. Far too many have drowned while the world has stood idly by - just watching.

Puzzlingly, many of these refugees lost at sea were wearing orange life jackets. Turkish police have raided one small factory in Izmir where cheap life jackets were being produced. Utterly useless, these things are filled with cheap packing materials that will not aid flotation in any way. In fact, they probably make survival less likely as they absorb water and become heavy encumbrances.

Of course, the majority of refugees have been Syrian yet in the Izmir factory the police found two young Syrian girls amongst the workforce - helping to make these useless death jackets. How tragically ironic!

The mentality of profit hungry opportunists leaping upon the understandably cautious refugees' desire for some degree of safety is quite abominable and not an outlook with which I have any empathy whatsoever. I don't like to swear in this blog but to me they are heartless bastards and I cannot think of an alternative word to properly describe these sub-human crooks. Will the Turkish authorities or international courts successfully charge  these vile people with being accessories to murder? Somehow I doubt it. They will get away with their blood money. There are probably other small businesses doing just the same right now as more refugees look hopefully across the Aegean.

Once in Serbia, the refugees are bused free of charge to the northern border with Croatia so why can't this happen down in Turkey - free crossings on official ferries that are perfectly safe and upon which there isn't even any need for passengers to wear life jackets?

As I say, the fake life jacket scandal is one of the most horrible stories I have heard in a while. Because of it, countless people have drowned. I know that there are other opportunist refugees leaping on the Syrian crisis to get into Europe but nobody deserves to die like that wearing a cheap life jacket stuffed with packing material. What are the United Nations doing? What is the damnable European Union doing? Their silence is deafening.

Turks

Two Turks live in our spice cupboard along with the coriander, the basil and the curry leaves. Their names are Deniz and Kalkan. Deniz is the salt pot on the left and the pepper pot in red is Kalkan. They are named after coastal resorts in Turkey and we discovered them a few years back on a market stall in Kalkan - "Cheaper than Tesco! Cheaper than Aldi! Cheaper than shop lifting!" At night time they whisper to each other...

DENIZ Oh I wish I was back in Turkey - our beloved homeland.
KALKAN Me too. I never wanted to emigrate. I was happy back in Turkey.
DENIZ It was always warm there and the sea down in the bay was aquamarine.
KALKAN You could hear the donkeys baying from the hills.
DENIZ And the old women dressed in black, lugging firewood home in sacks.
KALKAN And the old men with their worry beads...
DENIZ Their skin leathery and their gold teeth catching the light. They sat for hours by the tavern.
KALKAN The aroma of barbecued lamb and grilled pitta bread hanging in the air.
DENIZ No Kalkan.  I never wanted to emigrate either.
KALKAN But there was no work Deniz. We had to leave.
DENIZ You wanted Germany just like your cousin Kamal in Ludwigsburg.
KALKAN But you wanted England where The Queen lives, You said we'd find work there.
DENIZ And so we did.
KALKAN Remember that week in The Jungle at Calais?
DENIZ It was awful. I couldn't sleep at night. I was so scared.
KALKAN And then we sneaked aboard that Norbert Dentressangle truck with the Afghans.
DENIZ The driver was none the wiser.
KALKAN Brought us all the way here to Yorkshire.
DENIZ But how did we get to Pudding Towers?
KALKAN I don't know. We must have fallen asleep.
DENIZ The mistress is so gentle. The way she shakes us I mean. So gentle.
KALKAN But the master is so rough. I feel my brains jiggling in my skull when he shakes with his big tiger paws.
DENIZ I know what you mean Kalkan. He's beastly...Oh I wish I was back in Turkey.
KALKAN  Me too. He'll be making chilli con carne tonight.
DENIZ Brace yourself my friend. Looks like you need filling up. You're almost empty inside.

Mattersey

Mattersey is a village in North Nottinghamshire. Away from the main road, it is a peaceful place with a long history. There's an ancient church and some substantial properties that speak of the village's significance in past times. Certainly, its location - close to the navigable River Idle would have been important. Though the Idle is really just a large stream, it would have facilitated trade with the medieval port of Bawtry a few miles away and from there, The River Trent, The Humber and The North Sea.

Many times I have driven past the Mattersey road junction at nearby Everton but I had never been there till yesterday. I had a particular goal in mind and this involved driving along Abbey Road east of the village. Not the tarmacked Abbey Road made famous by The Beatles but a rough track with potholes and puddles.

For almost a mile I drove a bumpy, serpentine course at below ten miles an hour and then ahead I spotted my destination - Mattersey Priory - sometimes called Mattersey Abbey, rising out of the farmland and close to a bend in The River Idle. .Mattersey Priory - Link

The refectory at Mattersey Priory

Its construction commenced in 1185. The small Gilbertine priory was home to a dozen monks plus lay workers and for three hundred and fifty years it held economic and spiritual sway over the surrounding area. Of course there are no stone quarries thereabouts so the stone used to build Mattersey Priory must have been brought on rafts from Bawtry. It was probably extracted from quarries at Maltby - some twelve miles away.

Abbey Farm rises behind this stone pillar - once part of
the priory's church. You can see how stones from
the priory have been used to build the farmhouse's gable end wall

To the right you can make out the nearby River Idle

Like other monastic settlements, the priory's power and very existence stuttered to a halt during the reign of Henry VIII and it was left in ruins. No doubt many of the original stones were purloined by local builders and I am sure that many were used to build the adjacent Abbey Farm. That's how it was in past centuries. Many historical buildings were treated like stone quarries. The same thing happened to lots of disused Greek and Roman structures.

I was alone at Mattersey Priory, wandering about the ruins. Not many people are as daft as me - weaving along a dirt track in early January after the wettest December on record just to see a pile of stones. But those stones sing eloquently of past times... the monks, religious belief, survival, superstition, government and the babbling River Idle, weaving its way to Bawtry and beyond in times when The Americas and Australia were undreamed of and our world was not only flat but the epicentre of the entire universe.

Table

My local pub, "The Banner Cross Hotel" closed for refurbishment today. In a month's time a new pub will emerge like a butterfly from the chrysalis of history. I hope that it is not too flash for it is in my nature to be drawn to derelict or run down places and "The Banner" certainly has been run down for a good long while. Doses of  t.l.c. and financial investment are admittedly long overdue.

Anyway, I was standing in the men's lavatory on Friday night when new landlord Dave also walked in to stare at the tiled wall. It was Niagara versus Hardraw Force and it seemed the perfect moment to pop the question I had been forming in my mind for a couple of weeks. "Dave, I've been wanting to ask this for a  while..."

No folks, it's not what you think. I asked him about the pub tables in the tap room and whether or not I could buy one off him for fifty quid. Finishing his fireman duties and zipping up, Dave paused for a moment and then said, "Aye. Bring your car up tomorrow dinner and I'll sort you out."

Whoopee! I had been wanting a cast iron pub table in good condition for ages. It's to go out on the top part of our decking. But I wanted an original  Victorian "Britannia" design table. It had to be that.

Saturday came and I duly pulled up outside the pub with fifty pounds in my pocket. Now I am the proud owner of a cast iron pub table and even better - it has come from my local - somewhere I have spent many an hour and many a pound.

It's not going outside right away. First of all I am going to strip the wooden surface of the table top, sand it down and apply a good weathershield finish. Let's say it's my late Christmas present to myself and I am most delighted with it. Some guys like designer clothing, fast cars, cocaine or super hi-fi equipment but my boat is well and truly floated by an old pub table. Do you think I'm weird?

Karl - our Indian elephant standing on the table.

Recognition

Although Lee from Tamborine Mountain, Queensland, Australia won the coveted "Blogger of the Year" award at the big bash in Orlando on New Year's Eve, several other bloggers were recognised for their work through 2015 and they are listed below. All are henceforth officially entitled to proudly display the exclusive 2015  Laughing Horse widget  within their blogs or sidebars.

TOP LONDON-BASED BLOG
Steve Reed for "Shadows and Light".

The Awards Committee also noted the quality of photography within this thoughtful and accurately written blog. Mr Reed has an eye for the unusual and shows visitors many fascinating alternative views of England's capital city. 

TOP AMERICAN BLOG
Jennifer Barlow for "Sparrow Tree Journal"

The Awards Committee noted the regularity of Jennifer's posts and her enthusiasm for the medium. Her openness was appreciated. She gives visitors an honest view of her wholesome working life in South Carolina with Gregg and her two dogs.

TOP WELSH BLOG

John Gray for "Going Gently"

The popularity of this well-maintained blog was noted by The Awards Committee. Mr Gray's honest and often self-deprecating posts provide both belly laughter and a clear window upon life for a mature couple and numerous pets in a Welsh village.

TOP PHOTO BLOG

Adrian Ward for "Adrian's Images"

The Awards Committee noted Adrian's continuing technical development, his occasional testiness and his production of fine, appealing imagery. Life in a camper van with two Westies gives this interesting blog a fascinating backdrop.

TOP GERMAN BLOG

Meike Riley for "From My Mental Library"

Though she was the deserved "Blogger of the Year" in 2014, Mrs Riley's committment to blogging did not wane in 2015. Country walks, photos, book reviews, history all added to a great blog that was again much appreciated by The Awards Committee.

TOP HEBRIDEAN BLOGGER

Graham Edwards for "Eagleton Notes"

Though his posts can be infrequent owing to dodgy internet connectivity, Mr Edwards provides readers with a fascinating view of his life on the Isle of Lewis, interlaced with recollections of earlier times and adventures. Noble, sensitive and sometimes very funny, "Eagleton Notes" continues to impress The Awards Committee. The quality of his photography was also appreciated.

TOP CANADIAN BLOG

Red for "Hiawatha House"

The Awards Committee recognised the eminently readable, varied and interesting nature of Red's posts throughout 2015. In addition, the kind and supportive nature of his comments on other people's blogs was given special mention.

TOP BLOG BY A MATURE BLOGGER

Janice Blawat for "Cosumne Girl"

Having only recently crossed the line into maturity, Ms James-Blawat continues to display a youthful enthusiasm for life in her well-expressed and well-illustrated blog. The Awards Committee referred to her as  a feisty blogger with strong opinions on a range of subjects but also a patient country woman who shows great expertise as a poultry enthusiast and cat lover.

____________________________________________________

The Awards Committee noted the invaluable services of several other bloggers who may not have received Laughing Horse widgets for last year's work but nevertheless deserve special mention. Some of these bloggers would undoubtedly have won awards were it not for large gaps or disruption in their blogging activity. They include Carol Cunningham for "A Small Life", Helen for "Helsie's Happenings", Bob Brague for "Rhymes With Plague", Brian Cutts for "Tannu Tuva", Mama Thyme for "Peace Thyme Garden and Weather Station", Ian Rhodes for "Shooting Parrots", Libby for "D-scribes", Mistress Hilly for "Hilltop Homesteader" and last but not least Kate Steeds for "The Last Visible Dog".

The Awards Committee hope that these "special mention" bloggers will not be "disheartened but will instead approach 2016 with added blogging vigour and inventiveness".

Winner

"Gosh, I never expected this!"

"And the nominations for Laughing Horse Blogger of the Year are...."

Master of Ceremonies, John Gray of Welsh Wales grinned with personal satisfaction as he scanned the list.

"Steve Reed for 'Shadows and Light', Me, Percival John Gray for 'Going Gently' and Sheila Minogue also known simply as Lee for 'Kitchen Connection'."

An expectant hush descended over Betty's Laughing Horse Tavern in eastern Orlando. Somewhere in the distance a police siren could be heard as its occupants no doubt sped to another mass shooting. With his porky fingers, Mr Gray ripped open the golden envelope. His jaw sank visibly with personal disappointment as he eyeballed the winner's name.

"And the Laughing Horse Blogger of the Year for 2015 is.... Lee for 'Kitchen Connection'!"

Fevered excitement burst forth in the roadside venue and there was much whooping and cheering as Lee stumbled towards the little stage in her Australian themed outfit. Blushing like a virgin bride on her wedding night, Lee graciously accepted her award from Percy Gray (aka John Gray).

Grasping the microphone and at first rather nervously, Lee began her acceptance speech.

"Thank you so much! Gosh, I never expected this. But when I think about it I truly believe that I deserve to be Blogger of the Year. My blog is written in an engaging personal style and over the past year I have entertained hundreds of readers with intricate stories from my life. I have taken folk to Hinchinbrook Island and Gympie, told you about my cats, my passions, my eccentricities and my disappointments. It has been a brilliant ride and as an expert self-taught chef I have given visitors plenty of great recipes. Yes I do indeed deserve to be Blogger of the Year! God Save the Queen!"

Thunderous applause followed Lee's humble acceptance speech and she returned to her table where a fuming Yorkshire Pudding was slouched once more wondering why the hell he had never had even the tiniest whiff of an award since The Laughing Horse Blogging  Foundation launched its world famous awards programme.

So Shelia Minogue (Lee) is this year's overall winner and she is therefore entitled to display the 2015 widget in her blog or sidebar. Sub-award winners will be announced shortly. Owing to technical difficulties there has been a delay in their publication. Watch this space.

Small widget on the left. Medium widget on the right. Copyright - Laughing Horse Blog Awards. It is an offence punishable by law to publish this widget without permission.

Awards

The Sweeney Family Band
- they gave The Laughing Horse Awards  Ceremony a fun start

"What happens in 'The Laughing Horse Tavern', stays in 'The Laughing Horse Tavern'," grinned blogger Adrian as he bounced two Latino ladies of the night on his bony thighs.

They were giggling like schoolgirls but I noticed that one of them was thumbing through Adrian's ample wallet and extracting twenty dollar bills. He had no idea. I think the younger one was called Conchita - something like that anyway.

Marlon Brando in "The Wild One" (1953)
not exactly The Yeti

This was just one snapshot registered in my memory from last night's "Laughing Horse Blog Awards" event held in "Betty's Laughing Horse Tavern" in Orlando, Florida. There are plenty of other snapshots - including the unexpected arrival of a dozen of the pub's regulars. You could hear their machines roaring to a halt in the car park outside and then they walked in, led by the "leader of the pack", a grizzly mean looking fellow called Gnasher Steelman. He was followed by The Apeman, Yeti, Adolf, Sad Sack and others whose nicknames I can't recall.

Betty apologised profusely about their arrival, stressing that she had agreed with Gnasher that they would vacate the tavern for the entire evening. "But only till midnight!" he insisted with a predatory grin. Moments before assembled bloggers from around the world had  been linking arms in a drunken rendition of "Auld Lang Syne" and then the bikers strolled in.

Their intentions were clear. They didn't want trouble. They wanted women and proceeded like tomcats on heat. Within half an hour the dark recesses of the tavern were taken over by the redneck motorcyclists and their chosen blogger "dames". Bottles of "Jack Daniels" were necked and there was much raucous laughter and coquettish giggling.

James Dean in "Rebel Without a Cause" (1955)
not exactly Sad Sack

The Apeman was wrapped around Frau Meike from Germany like an octopus with their mouths clamped together like gurgling limpets. A couple of times they came up for air and I heard the gifted author of "From My Mental Library" gasp, "I will be your Jane... if you will be my Tarzan!" If you recall, she won the coveted "Blogger of the Year" award for 2014.

Gnasher Steelman himself had headed straight for Lee from Queensland as if magnetised. At first she tried to fight him off but soon she too was locked in a "loving" embrace with the rugged biker leader - over in the corner by the old Wurlitzer jukebox.

At around one thirty, the unlikely couples took their leave of the 2015 Awards Ceremony. They stepped out into the starry Florida night and clambered aboard various customised Harley Davidsons that were glittering in the car park. There was Carol on the back of Adolf's bike, Helen on Sad Sack's shiny 1000cc machine and Jennifer with a beefy guy called The Yeti. Jenny from Wales, Jan from northern California, Mama Thyme from Colorado, Libby from The English Midlands, Kate from New Zealand and Hilly from Washington State - they all had brand new boyfriends in leather apparel - gnarled and rather rough and ready men. Personally, I put it all down to the alcoholic beverages they had consumed throughout the awards evening. 

With the rest of the male bloggers, I stood helplessly outside the tavern with Betty and we waved rather limply as every single female blogger was whisked off into the night on throbbing motorbikes that roared like aircraft down the highway towards Tampa. We had no idea what would happen to them but they were all grown up women - adults. They had made their choices and given in quite readily to the bikers' crude advances. There was nothing we could do to stop them and besides if Bob Brague, Adrian, Brian Cutts, Canadian Red, Shooting Parrots, Steve and Dave and John Gray and The Prof and I had tried to gang up on the bikers our asses would have been well and truly whupped.

We went back inside the tavern to have a few more beers and a bit more friendly banter before heading back to our various hotels and motels. The disappearance of all the lady bloggers had rather put a dampener on what had been another memorable awards evening. Details of the awards winners will be provided in the next blogpost. I bet you cannot wait.