Two Turks live in our spice cupboard along with the coriander, the basil and the curry leaves. Their names are Deniz and Kalkan. Deniz is the salt pot on the left and the pepper pot in red is Kalkan. They are named after coastal resorts in Turkey and we discovered them a few years back on a market stall in Kalkan - "Cheaper than Tesco! Cheaper than Aldi! Cheaper than shop lifting!" At night time they whisper to each other...
DENIZ Oh I wish I was back in Turkey - our beloved homeland.
KALKAN Me too. I never wanted to emigrate. I was happy back in Turkey.
DENIZ It was always warm there and the sea down in the bay was aquamarine.
KALKAN You could hear the donkeys baying from the hills.
DENIZ And the old women dressed in black, lugging firewood home in sacks.
KALKAN And the old men with their worry beads...
DENIZ Their skin leathery and their gold teeth catching the light. They sat for hours by the tavern.
KALKAN The aroma of barbecued lamb and grilled pitta bread hanging in the air.
DENIZ No Kalkan. I never wanted to emigrate either.
KALKAN But there was no work Deniz. We had to leave.
DENIZ You wanted Germany just like your cousin Kamal in Ludwigsburg.
KALKAN But you wanted England where The Queen lives, You said we'd find work there.
DENIZ And so we did.
KALKAN Remember that week in The Jungle at Calais?
DENIZ It was awful. I couldn't sleep at night. I was so scared.
KALKAN And then we sneaked aboard that Norbert Dentressangle truck with the Afghans.
DENIZ The driver was none the wiser.
KALKAN Brought us all the way here to Yorkshire.
DENIZ But how did we get to Pudding Towers?
KALKAN I don't know. We must have fallen asleep.
DENIZ The mistress is so gentle. The way she shakes us I mean. So gentle.
KALKAN But the master is so rough. I feel my brains jiggling in my skull when he shakes with his big tiger paws.
DENIZ I know what you mean Kalkan. He's beastly...Oh I wish I was back in Turkey.
KALKAN Me too. He'll be making chilli con carne tonight.
DENIZ Brace yourself my friend. Looks like you need filling up. You're almost empty inside.