May I introduce myself? My name is Dean Kenneth Horatio Geovanni Gnome, aka "Deano". On Sunday, I was liberated from the Hull City supporters' store and brought here to the Pudding Towers Estate - home to Lord and Lady Pudding. This sunny May afternoon, as their highnesses were away at work, I thought it was time to do a little exploring.
Mmm...what's this the lord and lady are growing up the garden? Looks like butternut squash to me! How pretentious! Why can't they just stick to spuds and turnips?
Hello! Hello! What have we got here then? This gnome is as old as the hills. I tried to kick the ball to him but he just stood there like a statue. Cheer up grandad!
In the greenhouse I met more gnomes. The old guy on the left is American - says his name is Brague. The other one is Yorkshire from Richmond...called Alfred, Albert or Arthur...one of them daft old-fashioned names they used to have in the nineteen thirties. Grumpy old gits. They've been out in the sun too long. No wonder they're locked up in the greenhouse with the tomato plants.
In the house now. Thought I'd check out the washing machine. It was like being inside a space capsule or perhaps a deep sea diving bell. Thank heavens the mistress didn't come in and press the start button.
That's me at the front of the house waiting for their worships to reappear in their Roller. Guess I might as well have a kickabout with the locals. Over here son! On me head!
Mmm...what's this the lord and lady are growing up the garden? Looks like butternut squash to me! How pretentious! Why can't they just stick to spuds and turnips?Hello! Hello! What have we got here then? This gnome is as old as the hills. I tried to kick the ball to him but he just stood there like a statue. Cheer up grandad!In the greenhouse I met more gnomes. The old guy on the left is American - says his name is Brague. The other one is Yorkshire from Richmond...called Alfred, Albert or Arthur...one of them daft old-fashioned names they used to have in the nineteen thirties. Grumpy old gits. They've been out in the sun too long. No wonder they're locked up in the greenhouse with the tomato plants.In the house now. Thought I'd check out the washing machine. It was like being inside a space capsule or perhaps a deep sea diving bell. Thank heavens the mistress didn't come in and press the start button.That's me at the front of the house waiting for their worships to reappear in their Roller. Guess I might as well have a kickabout with the locals. Over here son! On me head!Cheers everybody!
Deano
Well YP, I never took you for a gnomophile. I suspect you have made a definite decision to retire and the excitement has gone to your head (and your wallet).
ReplyDeleteDeano, you look a lot like Walt Disney's dwarf named Happy. Are you sure you aren't American too?
ReplyDeleteShades of 'Amelie'
ReplyDeleteOh, how sweet? (WHO's been out in the sun too long???)
ReplyDeleteAnd you were doing so well with the drystone wall post! Mind you, I think the brother of that ancient gnome is kicking about in our garden somewhere.
ReplyDeleteHave you stopped taking your medications?
ReplyDeleteThat was a scream!
Ha ha! Okay, I'm an easy target for these kinds of narratives.
ReplyDeleteMOPSA "Gnomophile"? Love it babe. Any chance of a free holiday in Devon?
ReplyDeleteRHYMES WITH PLAGUE Happy? How dare you say that sir! Disney visited Yorkshire to observe the gnome population and modelled Happy on local Yorkshire gnomes - including my grandfather WInston Spencer Gnome.
KATHERINE Amelie? Never heard of her. Is she a New Zealand Gnomess?
JENNYTA Sadly the lot of most gnomes is to stand out in people's gardens in all weathers so of course we are out in the sun too long!!!
DAPHNE Drystone walls? What are you going on about you daft bat!
SAM Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Given your eye operation and the associated painkillers etc. there's more mediavation rattling around inside you than in a Columbus pharmacy!
FARIDA DOWLER Whaddya mean - "these kind of narratives" - I was speaking the truth you, you damned hussy!
YP: I'm hurt and shocked that you would interpret "narratives" to mean made-up stories. Of course you were telling the truth, but now I'm tempted to go around calling YOU some rude names. I'm going to start out with "Upside-Down Turnip Head" and proceed from there.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I read this New York Times article and thought you might find it interesting in light of your recent comment on one of my blog posts: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/31/business/31car.html?_r=1&th&emc=th
I wish the automotive industry had thought about this 20 years ago instead of pushing new, fancy cars. The people for whom I feel badly are the workers who depend upon work in the industry for their livelihoods, but otherwise, I have to ask, "How is not buying a new car a bad thing? Why oh why didn't you start making smaller, more fuel-efficient cars 20 years ago?" If there hadn't been a bloody tax loophole for SUVs, too, maybe we wouldn't be in this current mess. I don't know.
I heard those were going cheap because the AA had over ordered for their gift shop in basingstoke and they needed to find an organisation that had the same colours
ReplyDeleteSAINT FARIDA. On behalf of Deano the Gnome may I apologise. Typically, like most gnomes, he jumped straight away to the wrong conclusion! If only he had consulted with me, he would have of course realised that "narratives" are not necessarily fictional. You see he is very touchy as many humanoids scorn the very idea of living gnomes. It is the same touchiness we used to see in Brad the Gorilla. How is that ape by the way? Has he eaten all your bananas?
ReplyDeleteYP: And I missed that it was Deano who was saying such wretched things. I hereby retract "Upside-Down Turnip Head" and beg forgiveness. Of course I believe in gnomes. Fairies, too, though not the greeting-card variety that overdo the glitter glue.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question, Brad the Gorilla is now living with my brother, Ulric, so I don't see him all that often these days. Last I heard he was terrorizing the cats and plotting with Brutus to take over the health insurance industry. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to pay for gorilla health insurance? In the USA, human health insurance is bad enough.)
Excellent read. I like your style...have a good one!/Nice blog! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteScaffold Labour Hire