Prince Barry, The Duke of Essex has a new tell-all book out. It is scheduled to be a worldwide bestseller and he is bound to make far more from it than the £20 million advance he has already received from his chosen agreeable publishers.
Cunningly, in an effort to deflect criticism about greedy money-making, Prince Barry has already arranged that 0.5% of his profits should go to worthy charities. The book is called "Bunkum" and within its pages, Prince Barry reveals many one-sided home "truths" that will no doubt prove to be embarrassing for his nearest and dearest such as his father King Colin III and his brother Prince Wilbert.
However, Prince Barry may also have caused dangerous offence to the Taliban rulers of Afghanistan. In the book he states that while serving there with the British army he killed twenty five Taliban fighters but to him they were not really people - just "chess pieces". In stating this he has unwittingly and overnight become the Taliban's number one overseas target. He may wish to seek advice from the writer Salman Rushdie.
Of course Prince Barry was never the sharpest pencil in the box. Many thousands of pounds were invested in his ultra-privileged private education but in the end he came out of Eton College with just two A levels - a Grade B in Art and a Grade D in Geography. Rumour has it that these disappointing grades were only achieved with the help of private tutors who intervened far too much with his coursework.
In "Bunkum", for whatever reason, he tells us that he lost his virginity with a farm animal in a field behind a pub when he was seventeen. Of course - like everything else - this was clearly the fault of King Colin and his brother Wilbert who may or may not have been laughing in the pub lounge that overlooks said field - now home to a small herd of alpacas.
Prince Barry writes about a contretemps with his prizefighting, ferocious ruffian of a brother - Prince Wilbert who had just given an accurate description of the Duchess of Essex. In the scene that followed, Barry tripped over the dog's bowl and as Wilbert tried to prevent his younger brother from falling down, he accidentally broke Barry's favourite opal necklace - a souvenir of Australia.
Promoting the new book in a series of planned TV interviews, Prince Barry said that he desperately wanted his father and brother back. Clearly, it had not occurred to him that King Colin and Prince Wilbert might be feeling rather uncomfortable about picking up the pieces with a son and brother who is happy to make as much money as possible from opening up about private family matters and conversations. Could he ever be trusted again?
Anything said behind closed doors could easily end up in another tell-all book written of course once again with the essential help of his ghostwriter - J. R. Moehringer. After all, you didn't think that Prince Barry could write a book all on his own did you?