Prince Barry, The Duke of Essex has a new tell-all book out. It is scheduled to be a worldwide bestseller and he is bound to make far more from it than the £20 million advance he has already received from his chosen agreeable publishers.
Cunningly, in an effort to deflect criticism about greedy money-making, Prince Barry has already arranged that 0.5% of his profits should go to worthy charities. The book is called "Bunkum" and within its pages, Prince Barry reveals many one-sided home "truths" that will no doubt prove to be embarrassing for his nearest and dearest such as his father King Colin III and his brother Prince Wilbert.
However, Prince Barry may also have caused dangerous offence to the Taliban rulers of Afghanistan. In the book he states that while serving there with the British army he killed twenty five Taliban fighters but to him they were not really people - just "chess pieces". In stating this he has unwittingly and overnight become the Taliban's number one overseas target. He may wish to seek advice from the writer Salman Rushdie.
Of course Prince Barry was never the sharpest pencil in the box. Many thousands of pounds were invested in his ultra-privileged private education but in the end he came out of Eton College with just two A levels - a Grade B in Art and a Grade D in Geography. Rumour has it that these disappointing grades were only achieved with the help of private tutors who intervened far too much with his coursework.
In "Bunkum", for whatever reason, he tells us that he lost his virginity with a farm animal in a field behind a pub when he was seventeen. Of course - like everything else - this was clearly the fault of King Colin and his brother Wilbert who may or may not have been laughing in the pub lounge that overlooks said field - now home to a small herd of alpacas.
Prince Barry writes about a contretemps with his prizefighting, ferocious ruffian of a brother - Prince Wilbert who had just given an accurate description of the Duchess of Essex. In the scene that followed, Barry tripped over the dog's bowl and as Wilbert tried to prevent his younger brother from falling down, he accidentally broke Barry's favourite opal necklace - a souvenir of Australia.
Promoting the new book in a series of planned TV interviews, Prince Barry said that he desperately wanted his father and brother back. Clearly, it had not occurred to him that King Colin and Prince Wilbert might be feeling rather uncomfortable about picking up the pieces with a son and brother who is happy to make as much money as possible from opening up about private family matters and conversations. Could he ever be trusted again?
Anything said behind closed doors could easily end up in another tell-all book written of course once again with the essential help of his ghostwriter - J. R. Moehringer. After all, you didn't think that Prince Barry could write a book all on his own did you?
I don't want to hear any more tosh about this childish tantrum. Please make him go away.
ReplyDeleteSorry JayCee, I do not own a magic wand.
DeleteI am curious- how do you know what has gone on behind closed doors and whose version of events to trust? I know one has nothing to do with the other but...when I saw the name of Harry's new book, I thought to myself, "Damn perfect." What would it be like to know from birth that your role in life is to stay alive in case your elder brother dies? How could not that define your very existence?
ReplyDeleteI don't know what has gone on behind closed doors and I don't want to know either. He is a privileged royal prince. Duty and loyalty should have prevented him from seeking millions by making his private grievances public. He could have defined his existence in many ways - as a father, a supporter of chosen charities and as his brother's chief confidante and supporter. Not a bad collection because when all is said and done he never possessed the kind of dignity, intelligence and common sense one would hope to find in a monarch. These are my honest views - shared by most right-minded British citizens.
DeleteThis is an outline of a novel you are planning to write? It will probably sell but do try to keep it a bit believable and from the outline, it isn't.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice Andrew. I may have gone over the top.
DeleteIt seems you don't like the Expat Prince.
ReplyDeleteNope. He promised he would flee to California for privacy and in turn I hoped we were free of him - but no - he keeps shit stirring from afar.
DeleteThey seem like a very normal family, except everyone wants to read about them. Families are messy and fight and disagree. From what I understand, the "firm", the royal family, always comes first. No thanks.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you would have made a lovely princess but the salty language would have had to go.
DeleteI would have made a terrible princess. I tend to say what is on my mind, no matter what. And I would not have given up my fucking swearing or my dirty jokes:)
DeleteThat sounds just like the late Princess Margaret!
DeleteI think Prince Barry should learn to keep his yap shut! And he should remove the nose ring that person is leading him around by. He thinks he's had a hard life? Try living without the title and associated privilege. And most importantly, what goes on behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors. What he's doing is nothing more than tattling. "I'm going to tell on you!" sob sob.
ReplyDeleteSummed up fairly with common sense - something that Prince Barry does not possess.
DeleteYour commentary sides toward generosity
ReplyDeleteI am a kindly fellow and I didn't want to paint a cruel picture of Prince Barry.
DeleteTo be honest, I couldn‘t care less. I‘m only glad that his grandparents are not around anymore to suffer this latest blow.
ReplyDeleteThey saw enough of Prince Barry's shenanigans before they died.
DeleteSpot on Mr Pud!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the rubber stamping Lady Frances.
DeleteNow that the Taliban have this bragging idiot in their sights perhaps it will make him shut up and keep a very low profile! But no, of course it won't - he's got that greedy, grabbing, narcissistic wife behind him pushing him to make even wilder accusations. Does he not realise that when she's drained him of all possible headline/money making sensation, she'll divorce him so fast his eyes will pop! Then she'll take him for everything he has, and pass on to someone with a few billions in the bank.
ReplyDeleteI suspect your vision of the future is like one of the prophecies of Old Mother Shipton. When it happens, Prince Barry will of course blame his father and his brother and write a book about it to top up his funds.
DeleteI wish there was no news about Royalty. I thought the UK was supposed to be a democracy?
ReplyDeleteRoyalty should know their place in the grand scheme of things. The Queen knew her place and so do Charles and William.
DeleteHe has actually caused a s++t-storm with talk of making the monarchy into a government department. I remember at school the commemoration mugs, silver coins to rejoice in our monarchs. He is a pathetic creature but it was a funny write-up you made.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that my satirical piece made you chuckle Thelma. That was my intention.
DeleteThere has undoubtedly been racism on the part of the UK press and media which is disgusting. That it drove the Sussexes away is sad and I feel they are justified in shouting out about it but the means of doing so seems to me rather tacky.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other stuff, "washing your dirty linen in public" is hardly the best way to mend rifts between family members.
I read the British press and I would not say that there had "undoubtedly" been racism in the British press with regard to this pair. Most of it was in Harry and Meghan's imaginations.
DeleteI disagree. There was a good deal of anti Meghan rhetoric which was thinly disguised racism.
DeleteI'm not particularly pro Meghan or Harry, more anti gutter press, but the level of nastiness they experienced went well beyond what was acceptable.
The recent remarks made by the odious Jeremy Clarkson is a classic example.
For a long time, I never even realised that The Duchess of Sussex was of mixed race. The Clarkson article was awful and it was surprising that the editors of "The Sun" didn't veto it. It has in effect added a bit more fuel to Prince Harry's fire. In the end, ordinary citizens have much more to cope with than Harry and Meghan. Their complaints are quite trivial in comparison - well that's my view anyway Jean.
DeleteSo much for moving far away to live a normal quiet life, whatever normal and quiet are.
ReplyDeleteLiving the kind of lives they like to lead, they need lots of money.
DeleteI wonder if Prince Wilbert is thinking about writing a book with a bit of fiction and a few well placed errors? For a long time rumors have drifted around about some of the royals.
ReplyDeleteI hooe that Prince Wilbert maintains a dignified silence Red.
DeleteI get why you Brits would be upset with him. I also get why he might be upset with his family assuming what he has written is true. In the end, I don't blame either side for their feelings or reactions. I'm not going to take a side but I might get a bucket of popcorn, sit back and watch this drama play out.
ReplyDeleteI do not like the term "Brit" and have never used it so now you are in my black book Ed!
DeleteForgive me for using that term. What is the correct term to use when referring to you and your countrymen as a collective?
DeleteDo not concern yourself about this Ed. I can be a funny bugger when it comes to words. Most Britons would not object to the term "Brit" but I well remember times when this word was not in common usage. I prefer to be called an Englishman or a Briton - better still - a Yorkshireman.
DeleteDuly noted and as a blogging friend, Yorkshireman it is!
DeleteAll the excerpts of this book that I've read so far leave me feeling that Harry should be embarrassed at himself. It seems so obvious that his wife is behind it all, that she's led him to feel so offended by his family and then manipulated him to make money off all the drama his hurt feelings have caused. These two aren't doing themselves any favors.
ReplyDeleteI have looked into my crystal ball and I see a Californian break up in a few years' time. Then there will be another tell-all bestseller.
DeleteI'm sorry that he is yours, cause he and his mrs. are really a joke over here. Ridiculous! and needy poachers, if you ask me. Oprah should be willing to support them for the rest of their lives, don't you think? I feel so sorry. What will become of the innocent little ones of these morons?
ReplyDeleteI know that you are not really a "typical American" Donna but I do find it interesting that your instinctive attitude to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex and their publicity-seeking shenanigans seems to mirror mine. You have always shown yourself to be fair-minded and kindly.
DeleteI feel for him YP
ReplyDeleteHe’s a damaged soul
You are probably right. Allowing the entire world to read his life story in such fine detail is probably not the best therapy.
DeleteThis probably won't be popular but to me what Harry's whinging narcissism most reveals is that the whole institution is shot through - and no more than an infantilising myth. Frankly the whole shit-show is entirely ludicrous and yet we are mugs to the curated narrative that feeds a fantasy of the royals as somehow special and different people... Quite clearly they are not. Harry is merely the latest manifestation of a much greater an deeper rot.
ReplyDeletePS I was reading your other post about your granddaughter - and yoyr description of what are essentially the simple loving pleasure of families... And contrasted that to an emotionally stunted, adulterous king who couldn't hug his young son when his mother had just died and later joked he wasn't his father.. what sort of people are these? And imagine if Prince Andrew had been the first born... Go back in history and it gets worse and worse...It's bonkers that we are meant to revere these people.
You are painting a republican portrait that I very much adhered to when I was in my twenties and thirties. I am not saying it's right Mark but as I have aged my general attitude to royalty has mellowed. The Queen was only buried in September - surely it is still too early for Barry's tell-all book,
DeleteOK, wait. A FARM ANIMAL?! Is that your bit of embroidery or is that an actual revelation? I'm going to have to do some Googling. (Though not of images.)
ReplyDeleteAs I've said before, I'm unclear what Harry's (sorry, Barry's) endgame is. Is this just an exercise in "burning it all down"? Does he intend some kind of institutional reform? Is he merely lashing out at his relatives and at tradition? I know he hates the media, understandably given his life experiences, but I just don't understand what he's trying to do by airing all this publicly.
I think it is very clear what he is trying to do Steve - to make as much money as possible while he can. And as for farm animals, I neglected to mention that the alpaca herd is ginger.
Delete