21 March 2023

Aftermath

Lamb's Ears

My younger brother Simon would have been sixty seven years old tomorrow - March 22nd. For months I have been wrangling with the pensions company he entrusted with his savings. On his pensions plan I was named as the sole beneficiary in the event of his death. It was very clear and Simon had no dependents.

Almost on his death bed, he told me what he wanted me to do with his money and probably died believing implicitly that the well-known pensions/assurance company would do the right thing in a professional manner. For my part, I promised Simon that I would fulfil his wishes.

There have been regular phone calls, e-mails and most recently a strongly worded letter which I posted to the Customer Relations department of the pensions company at their head office in Edinburgh. I have found the whole experience to be both infuriating and stressful. The quality and efficiency of their communications have both been dreadful..

Now, eight months after Simon's death, it seems that the agony is about to end. They requested my bank details and though they say payouts are currently taking ten working days to process, I expect to receive the money before the end of April. Then I can distribute the funds as my brother instructed.

We should not speak ill of the dead but as I said in my eulogy last August, Simon had his demons and his difficulties as he travelled through life. I won't go into details but he caused both of my parents a lot of anguish and sleepless nights. 

Amongst his things, I discovered a letter I had sent to him in the summer of 1978 during a phase when things were pretty bad. I was crying out to him, tying to bring back the Simon we once knew:

"I don't hate you - nor will I ever do. I will always send you birthday cards and presents. Always love you, even if I am a thousand miles away. Always open up my arms for you if you need help. Always.....

...We have moved and grown in different  ways but you are still Simon and I am still Neil and I still want the best for you. I want to be sixty six with you my little brother at sixty four, still touching lamb's ears by the pond where we once played. And we'll be looking back upon our lives. Weathered and weary, still wondering but smiling all the same.

It is for all of this and more besides that I have shed tears for you. Tears which rolled down my cheeks, surprising me - tears for you. In the month of July 1978.  I am Neil - your brother and I am here for you."

I was twenty four years old and he was twenty two. At the time, he was detained in a mental hospital under what is called a police "section". It is true what some say about cannabis. It really can trigger psychotic episodes and utterly change someone's character.

42 comments:

  1. He kept the letter and that says everything.
    You were the best brother he allowed you to be and most likely he was the best he could.
    You deserve a celebration when everything is done

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    1. When the money has gone out and I have paid for Simon's gravestone then I will feel that a huge weight has been lifted off me and I can get on with my life.

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  2. That is a beautiful letter--brought the tears to my eyes also. He had kept it so your caring for him must have been important although he couldn't necessarily show it. Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my beloved father's death. I will turn 67 in August and still feel young(ish) Pension companies are the very devil!

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    1. Simon's pension company should consider changing their name to "We Don't Give A Shit.Com". I only shared a fragment of the letter.

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  3. Resolutions of these two issues is very difficult. Closure is a long journey .

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    1. My father died in 1979 and I still think of him every day. Can there ever be closure?

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  4. Dealing with bureaucracy is bad at the best of times, but when it's tied to a loss it seems so much worse. Good luck with the remaining work needed to carry out your brother's wishes. I'm so sorry that his life turned out as it did.

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    1. The company have what they laughingly refer to as a "Bereavement Team" who will deal with matters "sensitively". What a load of tosh!

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  5. Too bad those who need to will never read your final two sentences. I've seen the effects myself, right here where I live, in several neighbours.
    I'm glad you will soon be able to finalise all the last bits of Simon's estate. You'll have to have a little tea party with Shirley to celebrate.

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    1. My two children will receive large and welcome gifts of money though I will only receive basic expenses.

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  6. Kylie has put it so well in her comment: You were the best brother he allowed you to be.
    The letter is moving and I am not surprised Simon kept it. Maybe we did mention this before, but Simon and I share(d) our birthday, along with William Shatner.
    It is unbelievable what some companies do (or don't) when it comes to customer service and communication.

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    1. Some companies seem to have planned how to cause maximum frustration to customers or beneficiaries.

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    2. I hope I don't have to go through similar with my brother's estate. Perhaps I'll be the one to die first.

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  7. Such a sad letter which obviously meant a lot to him for him to keep. As you know, I have been a bystander to addiction and it is not easy to be sympathetic when it causes so much pain to the whole family. A friend of mine is still wrangling with financial institutions over the death of her husband 6 years ago She is in her late 80s and I can see that ia pay-put won't be sorted in her lifetime.

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    1. Six years of waiting and anxiety. I feel for your friend. It's as if some financial institutions enjoy keeping honest people dangling.

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  8. I wish that I had been able to send such a letter when my dad was suffering from his demons.
    I am sure that Simon knew how much you loved him as a brother despite everything.

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    1. For more than forty years he lived in the shadows of who he might have been. You might say that it was a half-life, sad and unfulfilled.

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  9. Sad, melancholy well written x

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    1. I thought it might ring a bell for you John - with your history of working with mentally troubled people.

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  10. Hopefully Simon has found his peace.

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    1. No more demons for him to fight. No more regrets. No more looking in the mirror and seeing a man he didn't want to be.

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  11. Family, troubled family test us. Many financial services companies, provide no meaningful service. When I found one that helped, I moved not just his accounts, but mine to them.

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    1. I would never, ever deal with this company again. They added unnecessary anxiety to the whole experience.

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  12. If you have not been through enough without having to deal with heartless officials.

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    1. Laughingly they said their "Bereavement Team" would guide me through the process and would always be there to help. That was a lie.

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  13. I know that for all Simon put you and his family through, he suffered tenfold. He held on to that letter for a reason- he loved you.

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  14. I know from experience, when one is dealing with estates, a healthy dose of patience is needed. I'm not sure I have ever had anything proceed faster or even as anticipated.

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    1. This was not an "estate" as such - it was just a pension plan that stood outside the compass of any "estate". They dragged their heels and did not communicate satisfactorily.

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  15. What a thoughtful and caring letter, but how sad that at a time he should have listened, Simon paid no heed. If everyone had a brother like you Neil - the world would be a much better place.

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    1. I stopped loving him a long time ago for what he had put our parents through but I was always there for him.

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  16. What a lovely letter you wrote to him, Neil. It obviously meant something to him as he kept it all these years. You have a nice way with words.

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    1. I remember that being a very difficult letter to write.

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  17. I understand why it takes time, e.g. they have to check there is no Will that you don't know about, which would override any beneficiary nomination. However, failing to keep you informed of progress and what remains to be done is very poor.

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    1. At first they told me that the case seemed straightforward and it would all be sorted out quickly. If I emailed them I knew it would take at least two weeks for any kind of response- even acknowledgement they had received my email!

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  18. How sad about Simon. I wonder if he was going to have a psychotic break anyway, with or without the cannabis. I've heard of hallucinogenic drugs triggering those in people who were already susceptible to certain kinds of mental illness, but oftentimes it would have happened anyway. Schizophrenia, for instance, sometimes doesn't manifest itself for the first time until a person reaches the late teen/early adult years. Of course, those are the years when most drug experimentation is going on, so there's a correlation between the two, but correlation doesn't always equal causation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Simon shouldn't necessarily be blamed for what happened to him just because he used cannabis.

    You were obviously a good brother to Simon his whole life long, and he was lucky to have you. Poor guy. How hard his life must have been.

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    1. Who caused the pain, fear and anguish that effectively killed both of my parents? It wasn't me or my two older brothers.

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    2. Oh, dear. I hope I haven't offended you.

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  19. Mental illness can be so distressing for family and friends, especially watching someone decline. Clearly you treated your brother very kindly.

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    1. In adulthood he was always troubled, bitter and self-centred. It was so sad to witness but in spite of everything he negotiated a route through life and had a much more interesting and varied working life than I did.

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  20. That is a very poignant letter and very mature and emotionally aware for a 24-year-old. I doubt that I could have written something so forthright to my brother at that age.

    I wonder if the cannabis use was actually self-medicating for mental illness. In other words, maybe the psychosis came first or would have happened anyway. (As Jennifer said.)

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