This is a genuine job advertisement...Seagull Deterrent/Visitor Services Assistant
At Blackpool Zoo it goes without saying that we love all animals! And as a seaside resort, Blackpool is not short of seagulls. However, the seagulls are proving to be a bit of a nuisance when it comes to trying to steal food from our visitors and our animal enclosures!
We need to do what we can to keep the seagulls away from our main visitor dining areas, which is why we are looking for a team of people to join our Visitor Services team as ‘Seagull Deterrents’
We are looking for people that are:
- Visitor Focused
- Outgoing – as you need to be comfortable wearing a bird costume!
If this sounds like something you would be interested in, email your cover letter and CV to email@example.com.
Dear Blackpool Zoo,
I wish to be considered for the role of Seagull Deterrent/Visitor Services Assistant at Blackpool Zoo. If appointed I am sure that I will be able to make a positive contribution to the work of the entire zoo team - constantly improving the experience of visitors.
When I was a small child, I was attacked by a seagull on the seafront at Scarborough. I was sitting in my pushchair innocently eating a vanilla cone. It was very traumatic and the screeching seagull stole my ice cream. Ever since that day, I have sought to exact my revenge and the advertised role offers me a unique chance to achieve it.
In my view, seagulls are the scourge of every seaside town in this country. They steal fish and chips, frighten children, poop all over the place and wake residents at ungodly hours. They are little more than feathered muggers that have become more brazen as the decades have passed by. It's time that we fought back and got rid of the blighters.
At school I was known as "Dead Eye" because of my skill with a catapult. It is a talent that has never left me and with the zoo's permission I will happily use it upon the seagulls - gradually reducing their numbers. Their fresh carcasses can then be fed to carnivores such as the lions and the hyenas. Helpfully, this will reduce the feed bill in trying economic times.
May I just say, that I do not much like the "seagull"(!) costume pictured with the ad and would prefer to make my own XL outfit, covered with genuine feathers and shaped in the form of an aggressive herring gull. I hope this would be acceptable to you should you wish to appoint me.