This is a genuine job advertisement...
At Blackpool Zoo it goes without saying that we love all animals! And as a seaside resort, Blackpool is not short of seagulls. However, the seagulls are proving to be a bit of a nuisance when it comes to trying to steal food from our visitors and our animal enclosures!
We need to do what we can to keep the seagulls away from our main visitor dining areas, which is why we are looking for a team of people to join our Visitor Services team as ‘Seagull Deterrents’
- Visitor Focused
- Friendly
- Energetic
- Flexible
- Outgoing – as you need to be comfortable wearing a bird costume!
If this sounds like something you would be interested in, email your cover letter and CV to recruitment@blackpoolzoo.org.uk.
⦿
Dear Blackpool Zoo,
I wish to be considered for the role of Seagull Deterrent/Visitor Services Assistant at Blackpool Zoo. If appointed I am sure that I will be able to make a positive contribution to the work of the entire zoo team - constantly improving the experience of visitors.
When I was a small child, I was attacked by a seagull on the seafront at Scarborough. I was sitting in my pushchair innocently eating a vanilla cone. It was very traumatic and the screeching seagull stole my ice cream. Ever since that day, I have sought to exact my revenge and the advertised role offers me a unique chance to achieve it.
In my view, seagulls are the scourge of every seaside town in this country. They steal fish and chips, frighten children, poop all over the place and wake residents at ungodly hours. They are little more than feathered muggers that have become more brazen as the decades have passed by. It's time that we fought back and got rid of the blighters.
At school I was known as "Dead Eye" because of my skill with a catapult. It is a talent that has never left me and with the zoo's permission I will happily use it upon the seagulls - gradually reducing their numbers. Their fresh carcasses can then be fed to carnivores such as the lions and the hyenas. Helpfully, this will reduce the feed bill in trying economic times.
May I just say, that I do not much like the "seagull"(!) costume pictured with the ad and would prefer to make my own XL outfit, covered with genuine feathers and shaped in the form of an aggressive herring gull. I hope this would be acceptable to you should you wish to appoint me.
Yours sincerely,
Yorkshire Pudding
The first thing I noticed was the terrible, horrible, hot, orange plastic "uniform". Are they kidding? That may or may not scare the terror birds away but it surely will be off putting to the zoo's visitors!
ReplyDeleteThat's not even a seagull outfit - it's an eagle!
DeleteA job wearing that outfit sounds like a level of hell to me.
ReplyDeleteWhat outfit would you prefer Ed? A groundhog?
DeleteMy own skin would be scared enough!
DeleteI think you might rock that outfit and save the zoo from the "feathered muggers."
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support and encouragement Bob!
DeleteThat news made it on the Edmonton news this morning. Granville Island, in Vancouver, has a terrible time with gulls as well. A few years ago, when we were there, I bought a lovely big cinnamon bun and then walked outside onto a patio to enjoy it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw huge, white wings and the seagull grabbed my bun, right off of my plate. Naturally I yelled Fuck! very loudly, offending all of the small children and their mothers nearby:)
ReplyDeleteI think this might just be the job for you.
Nobody will recognise me inside my XL herring gull suit!
DeleteLet us know if you get the job!
ReplyDeleteThey rejected me on account of my age. At 69 you are good for nothing except sitting in the sunshine and rabbiting on about the good old days.
DeleteProbably all for the best.
DeletePlease submit it.
ReplyDeleteTo tell you the truth I think I am rather too old to be a seagull impersonator.
DeleteRats of the sky. I wish you well in your application. I fear though, that they might not take kindly to your brilliant method of reducing the cursed population and supplementing the diet of the zoo creatures.
ReplyDeleteIt depends on how much they are able to think outside the box... or the cage.
DeleteSorry to rain on your party but there aren't any seagulls. There are gulls but not seagulls.
ReplyDeleteI have heard that before but I choose to ignore it.
DeleteIs the eagle costume actually supposed to scare the seagulls away, or to amuse visitors? I honestly don't get it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I imagine Blackpool Zoo will receive at least a few applications like yours, some of them serious, some of them not. It would be interesting to learn how many seagull chasers they eventually employ, and how successful they will be.
The costume in the ad shows an eagle - not a seagull! The job is multi-functional.
DeleteThat's what I said - "Is the EAGLE costume..." :-D
DeleteI believe they take on older 'greeters' at B&Q, a much more dignified job.
ReplyDelete"Welcome to B&Q and give us your money! Have a nice day!"
DeleteI hope Blackpool seagulls get better paid than the donkeys on the beach YP. What's a Blackpool donkey get for its dinner? Half an hour!
ReplyDeleteI have heard that there are seagulls in Blackpool that peck donkeys' eyes out and attack small children in screeching flocks before flying home to their landfill sites.
DeleteI can't wait to hear about your first day, Yorkshire Pudding. Do let us know
ReplyDeleteI have to get the job first. I applied to be an Easter Bunny at Tesco but they said I was over-qualified.
DeleteI'd probably scare the children and attract the birds.
ReplyDeleteHaving a daily shower can work wonders Mr Penguin.
DeleteDead Eye with a catapult the job is yours! A wide-angle shotgun might be another option, you could get half a dozen at once that way.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to know what you are talking about Ms River.
DeleteLol, a couple of years ago my husband didn't even get to get one lick of his vanilla cone before a gange of seagulls converged on him, knocked the cone out of his hand and proceeded to devour it. I don't like ice cream so haven't been subjected to 'cone mugging' but I had a chip stolen out of my very hand by a seagull as I walked along the prom chatting with my husband.
ReplyDeleteWhy can't they do what gulls are meant to do - go sea fishing and scavenging on the shore? Many have made their homes inland - often around landfill sites.
DeleteWonder how much it pays? And do they have to hold their arms out like that? Seems tiring.
ReplyDeleteDon't even think you might get the job ahead of me Steve!
DeleteExcellent application letter YP. Never mind, if they turn you down, with that costume you might be able to get a job at a cut-price Disneyland!
ReplyDeleteYour support means a lot Carol. I feel that my self-esteem has been given a massive boost. Thank you.
DeleteWhen did "poop" sneak into your idiolect?
ReplyDeleteSupplementary comment to the previous: https://separatedbyacommonlanguage.blogspot.com/2017/02/poo-poop.html
ReplyDelete