I am sure you have heard of "Old Spice" for men. The range includes aftershave, shaving cream, soap and deodorant. They are products that go way back in time and are mostly favoured by the older generation
Old men like me, Andrew in Melbourne, Red in Alberta and Cro Magnon in Brighton really do not want body products that are aimed at the younger generation. We actively spurn "Lynx" and Jean-Paul Gautier. What we need is sprays and roll-ons that are specifically tailored for the senior male market.
This is why I decided to invest all my pension lump sum in a new start up business that aims to fill this potentially profitable gap in the market. Rather than getting cunning and creative with fancy brand names, the company intend to call all of their products quite simply - "Old Man". There's no deception in such a name.
Parisian perfumers have skilfully concocted four possible deodorant fragrances for the "Old Man" deodorant range and I suspect that they will prove really popular with the over sixties. It's nice to have choices...
1) "Granddad" - Pipe tobacco, halitosis and "Dettol"
2) "Care Home" - Stale urine, armpits and smelly socks
3) "Salle de Bain" - Lingering farts mingling with medicated soap.
4) "Rose and Crown" - the authentic odour of a traditional pub with
hints of stale beer, cigarette smoke and sports changing rooms.
If the "Old Man" range sells well - as it is surely bound to do - then the company hope to create similar products for the fairer sex called "Old Woman" but as yet no fragrances have been devised. Perhaps you can think of some suitable combinations.
Hmmm.... "care home" might work well as a unisex scent.
ReplyDelete"Arkansas Farm" would appeal to a lot of older women.
DeleteYour suggested fragrances are just plain awful! Why would anyone want to smell like that on purpose? You'd do better to sink some investment cash into Old Spice!
ReplyDelete"Adelaide River" would smell nice on ladies.
DeleteDo you mean the Torrens River, YP?
DeleteNo Mr Smarty Pants - I meant Adelaide River. Check before daring to question my geographical knowledge!
Delete"Snug", a perfume that smelt like a pub snug where ladies would gather and the smell of beer blended with Craven A cork tipped cigarettes and cheap perfume. The bottle could be bright red to match their lipstick.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant Andrew! When the start-up guys get to hear about your suggestion you will probably be invited to join the marketing team as a consultant.
DeleteWell, maybe old men should use more of these products but I'm afraid this will be a hard sell. Sorry to rain on your party.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we need some Canadian variations such as "Aroma de Moose" and "Trudeau's Surprise".
DeleteThe problem with your deodorant fragrances is that your target demographic can easily and naturally produce all those smells themselves without any need to buy your products. Back to the drawing board!
ReplyDeleteHa-ha! You make a telling point Debra. Maybe what old men really need is "Pine Forest" and "French Brothel".
DeleteFor women: fragrance of moth balls, yeast and a bit of pee.
ReplyDeleteMmmm...sexy! Do you mind if we call it "IlonaK"?
DeleteWhy not! Reminds me of CalvinK ...
DeleteIs Calvin your brother?
DeleteNope, just a cousin, ten times removed.
DeleteYou could still inherit Ilona.
DeleteI would choose a scent with coumarin in. The scent of hay in the summer that has been cut with wild flowers. A sweet vanilla flavour.
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweetly romantic Thelma.
DeleteIf what you‘re aiming at is autheticity in the range of scents for your target group, that authenticity should be mirrored in the packaging and marketing material. That elderly gentleman in your advert doesn‘t look like any of the 60+ men I know.
ReplyDeleteYou are clearly not looking in the right places. He is called Alan Ince or Andrew Ingleton or Arthur Ireland or perhaps Ali Ibrahim.
Delete'Ladies wot lunch' with an aroma of Merlot and apple crumble.
ReplyDeleteThey should wear bibs.
DeleteWhen my mum was offered a bib during her long stint in hospital last year, she was delighted. I know not why.
DeleteShe still loves putting on a ginormous bib in her care home.
Older ladies could have a perfume called handcream and cookies. Or for the disinhibited: I don't smell and no I'm not going to shower.
DeleteI am all for a range of adult bibs having "dripped" on many ties and shirts over the years!
DeleteI seems to me that I've seen that guy before. Too stereotype, I wouldn't trust him... ;)
ReplyDeleteHe looks Swedish to me.
DeleteHmmm, I may pass and stick to my Gillette roll-on.
ReplyDeleteGillette! Ha-ha Bob! Such roll-ons are favoured by Pete Hegseth!
DeleteHe can use it; heck, he probably melts it down and drinks it.
Delete😟😳
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Janice.
DeleteThe scents of old books, old money, worn leather, and autumnal walks - might sell.
ReplyDeleteYou mean "Eau de D.Godfrey"?
DeleteHow about Sixty Years of Simmering Anger?
ReplyDeleteI think the women might recognize and go for that one.
Is that your favoured fragrance Mary?
DeleteA shrewd investment. You'll no doubt make a killing Hmmm... perhaps death references are inappropriate regarding this subject.
ReplyDeleteI think that death is underrated.
DeleteOhmygosh...after having parents stay in care homes, your "Care Home" product hit the nail on the head. Back then I probably wouldn't have laughed about it but now...chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. Time is a good healer.
ReplyDeleteSomeone without a sense of smell suffers from anosmia. I wish I had that.
DeleteEven though I am way, WAY younger than you (!), I concur that modern deodorant is bewildering. I do not understand these "body sprays" and all-body deodorants that are meant to be used, well, all over the body. On the other hand, I don't really want to smell like a care home, either. Can you devise a "Late Middle-Aged Man" range of products as well?
ReplyDeleteWhaddya mean "WAY " younger? You are just a couple of years behind me laddie!
DeleteThere a few elderly gentleman around here who already use those products.
ReplyDeletePerhaps they are wearing "Ontario"?
DeleteOld Spice reminds me of my late grandad. I favour Eau de Aldi, it's cheap and doesn't smell like a yak took a piss in my coat pocket.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you know what you are talking about Kirt. Those damned yaks will urinate anywhere!
DeleteOoh - in days gone by this would have been a taboo subject YP! How about a "Breath of Sea-laden Fresh Air" - or a daily shower?
ReplyDeleteFor ex-pat ladies living in southern Spain may I recommend new "Benidorm" by "Old Woman" for a touch of sophistication.
Delete