Last night, through the magic of television, I watched the Irish comedian Arlon O'Hanlon performing on the "Apollo" stage in Hammersmith, London. He came up with the idea of making a kind of anti-bucket list. Things that he would definitely not want to do and this has inspired me to do the same.
Things I never want to do...
- Swim with dolphins.
- Go on a rocket into outer space.
- Have any kind of tattoo.
- Spend a week submerged aboard a submarine.
- Take a bungee jump from a bridge.
- Visit Dubai - apart from the airport.
- Get trapped in a lift with Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage
- Do O level Maths again.
- Smoke another cigarette.
- Die in a transport accident.
- Feature in any kind of reality TV programme.
- Have any kind of cosmetic surgery.
- Pay for a SKY TV subscription.
- Read anything by Jeffrey Archer.
- Vote for The Conservative Party.
- Attend a horse racing event.
- Perform a striptease act at a Women's Institute conference.
- Get mugged.
- Have a drink with Elon Musk at Mar-a-Lago... or anywhere else.
- Shoot a gun.
- Visit the USA while Trump is the president.
- Drive a monster truck.
- Wear a kilt.
- Try skydiving.
- Eat sheep's eyeballs.
- Become a monk.
- Attempt to climb Mount Everest.
⦿
So that's my anti-bucket list but in the comments I invite you to share two or three things that you would definitely put on your own anti-bucket list.
Nelson Algren said never go to bed with a lady who's got more problems
ReplyDeletethan you have and never play poker with a guy named Doc.
He had a fling with Simone de Beauvoir but refused to live in Paris.
Simone : Of course I'm a better writer than Nelson !
Nelson : Of course I'm a better writer than Simone !
Norman Mailer met Algren in Chicago and said he really knew all the bums and
losers and hucksters and cops in his novels.
NELSON ALGREN : THE ROAD IS NOTHING, THE END IS ALL.
NELSON ALGREN LIVE - OFFICIAL TRAILER STARRING WILLEM DAFOE.
ALGREN'S LAST NIGHT. BulltetProof Film. YouTube.
YouTube
Okay, okay Mr Haggerty but what would be on your anti-bucket list? A night in a Travelodge with Nicola Sturgeon? A wild swim across Loch Ness with Nessie surfacing like a walrus? Reading all of the romantic novels of Barbara Cartland? A day trip to Cumbernauld?
DeleteI'd enjoy walking in our ruined urban Scotland with Ms Sturgeon,
Deleteand asking about her Anti-Bucket List.
THE 20 WORST PLACES IN SCOTLAND Part 1/2.
YouTube. The Absolute Ranker.
Glasgow heads the list. The vlogger arrived the day they were
filming Spider Man.
* There's a lot to unpick here, * he said drolly. There isn't half.
I would press Wee Nicola to rent a single room in the No Man's Land of
Battlefield, and live there for a couple of years.
I agree with everything on your list! I don't want to date or get married ever again.
ReplyDeleteLove can come when you least expect it Ellen.
DeleteI definitely wouldn't want to be trapped in a lift.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to see any animal suffer.
I don't want to watch climate change in real time.
But you are already seeing climate change in real time Kylie!
Deletebut i don't want to!
DeleteI've actually done a few of the things on your list with no regrets.
ReplyDeleteAny kind of bungee jumping would definitely be on mine.
You mean... you've had a drink with Elon Musk at Mar-a-Lago?
DeleteThat's a good list. What do the letters mean when paired with levels?, like A Level Maths or O level, ditto other subjects.
ReplyDeleteMy bucket list is very short: not die before the great grands are grown, (the youngest is not quite three months old and her cousin is still "baking")
My Anti-Bucket list is also very short: never go to the US.
O = Ordinary level (Exams usually undertaken at 15/16 years of age.
DeleteA = Advanced level (Exams usually sat at 17/18 years of age)
Pay to access any site on the internet (though obviously I have to pay for my internet access generally).
ReplyDeleteI think you could look quite fetching in a kilt, though maybe you would want some woollen tights to guard against chills, and hence (unlike any true Scotsman, or so I hear) underpants.
Which makes me wonder. Do you think King Charles is a true Scotsman? I can never forget that he got his valet to hold the specimen bottle when he was producing a urine sample.
I don't know what investigations were being done to the valet but I would expect him to hold his own specimen bottle. Did he really expect a king in waiting to hold it for him?
DeleteCharles is not a Scot; he's German. The legitimate Stuart line now resides with the Francis II, Duke of Bavaria. He has a husband, so where the line goes from there is anybody's guess.
DeleteYP, I did spot the pronoun ambiguity but was too lazy to fix it up. I shouldn't have given you the opportunity. I'm sure you know full well this came out in the Burrell trial. How could anyone forget it?
DeleteWH: historically I'd say royalty were a kind of supra-national caste. Isn't Charles a Presbyterian when in Scotland? You have to wonder how he toggles on and off the Calvinism.
Indeed. Calvinism doesn't quite lend itself to part-time status...
Delete'Share a lift with Corbyn or Foot', and obviously 'To Vote Labour'. Otherwise I agree with most of yours, other than having Dolphins swimming with me.
ReplyDeleteMichael Foot, great servant to the working people of Britain, died in 2010 so it is unlikely he would pick you up in his hearse.
DeleteThank gawd.
DeleteThings I never want to do
ReplyDeleteDrink a cup of tea. Yuk.
Jury service.
Visit an abbatoir.
Deal with Scottish power.
Go anywhere crowded with people.
Admit to myself that some things I did want to do are now impossible and I missed my chance.
Congratulations to Ian. I saw him on the front of a London paper. 😁
NOT drink a cup of tea? Oh dear Christina - are you right in the head lass?
DeleteAgree with a lot of yours - though I did vote Conservative in the recent election.
ReplyDeleteMy A-BL would include
- getting stuck in a lift with anyone
- going on a cruise
- drinking tea or scotch
- eating well done beef
- revisiting the Agadir airport toilets in 1979
- living in a country that doesn’t have four seasons
- watch The Big Bang Theory
- think that Boris Johnson was a fine Prime Minister
Oh dear Traveller! You voted Conservative in the last election! Did you just get the boxes mixed up on the voting slip? By the way, as your pseudonym is "Traveller" may we assume that you live in a caravan and undertake swift tarmacking projects?... "We've just done a big job and we have some tarmac left. Driving by I noticed your driveway needs sorting out. I'll do it for you for £850. Cash in hand. You'll not get it done cheaper missus!"
DeleteUnless one supports Reform, which I do not, the only sensible vote was Conservative.
DeleteAs to my name, I have travelled a lot in my life. Prior to retirement I flew a ridiculous amount.
I guess you must have been an airline pilot.
DeleteBTW, I was getting to like you and your interventions until you mentioned your Tory vote, now I am putting a hex on you and NO - I do not want you to tarmac my drive!
If you were in a constituency where there were only two candidates that had a chance of winning: one Conservative and one Reform, would you really waste your vote and vote Labour when there wasn’t a snow balls chance they would be elected? If so, I don’t understand.
DeleteDisappointed you did not post my response and explanation
DeleteSorry Traveller - I only just saw your 5.42pm comment. Thanks for explaining your dilemma. I had no idea that that was the situation. However, I am proud to say that I myself have never voted tactically. I only vote for the party I believe in - Labour.
DeleteI guess I am a realist. If I cannot win, I will try and get the best of a bad option. I always look at the tactical vote.
DeleteDidn’t work though
We''ll keep the red flag flying here!
DeleteThe trouble is you won’t if you don’t consider the strategic vote. Unfortunately there are people who think Reform will be good for the country. the old “common sense, English values”
DeleteOff to a real quiz…not that yours isn’t “real”
Mine includes:
ReplyDeletea parachute jump
a hot air balloon ride
any long haul flight
any cruise ship holiday (or being cooped up anywhere with a load of strangers)
eating any creature that is still alive, or bits of dogs and cats
I can relate to all of your choices Jean.
DeleteMuch of your Anti bucket list would appear on mine. Tattoos? Bungee-jumping? Visit Dubai? No, no, and no again. Same goes for smoking, and many more. I'd add "own a leafblower".
ReplyDeleteOne thing I already do regularly: wearing a kilt (the ladies' version of course).
I was going to buy you a leafblower as a late wedding gift!
DeleteI think that comedian is clever for having an anti-bucket list. Many of the things on that list are also on my anti-bucket list. Any addition to the list for myself would include not doing any sort of MAGA related things.
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly ARE MAGA-related things? What do they eat? How do they have fun? What TV do they enjoy or do they just watch "Fox News" on repeat? I imagine that they like to spit phlegm on he sidewalk and shoot endangered animals.
DeleteYes, and they drive trucks and some have Confederate flags hanging in their yards. They go to church every Sunday, but they really (in my mind) aren't Christians.
DeleteIs it a cartoon series?
DeleteI have no desire to:
ReplyDeleteParachute Jump (my doctor told me not to)
Bungee Jump (it would be bad for my spine)
Meet Donald Trump or Melania
You never know... They might come up behind you in a D.C. art gallery. Culture vultures - just like you David!
DeleteHere are some of mine:
ReplyDelete- bungee jumping, parachute jumping, any form of leaping out into thin air
- vote for a Republican (never have, and unless they change a LOT, never will)
- board a submarine (I shudder to imagine it)
- get a tattoo
- dye my hair
- get piercings of any kind (minus ears)
- go on a cruise
- spend time with racists or homophobes
Minus ears? Whaddya mean gal? I did not realise you had lost your ears!
DeleteJennifer you sweetie
DeleteVote Republican.
ReplyDeleteBe quiet.
Never laugh.
Get stuck in a small space.
I could go on but this is a start!
Having visited your blog for quite a long time now, I think your list could stretch from Camden to The White House.
DeleteI did the monk thing for several years; it's really not too bad...
ReplyDeleteI hope I did not cause offence James. Sorry Brother!
DeleteOh hardly! I found that to be quite amusing actually.
DeleteI suppose it depends on the religious order.
DeleteExcellent list, Mr. P.! I am with you on almost all of them.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things I never want to do either again or for a first time that I can't begin to list them.
Only "almost"? Mmmm... You want to have a drink with Musky?
DeleteThis is a great list. I agree with all except sky dive.
ReplyDeleteIt's not too late for you to do that Red. Contact "Alberta Skydive Central" to arrange your jump.
DeleteThings I don't want to do? Not sure. I know there are things I won't be able to do because of age and circumstances.
ReplyDeleteMy anti-bucket list.
-remarry
-eat at a Michelin restaurant
-parachute jumping
-bungee jump
-go spelunking
-dinner at Mar-a-Lago
I had to look up "spelunking". We call it caving or pot-holing in Great Britain.
DeleteI haven't even got a bucket list, nor ever will.
ReplyDeleteBut how will you choose the best replacement bucket?
DeleteI agree with most of these anti-bucket lists. I would add "flying in a helicopter." They crash too frequently for my liking.
ReplyDeleteA British navy helicopter crashed yesterday in Devon killing the three navy people onboard - including Britain's only female commando.
DeleteI agree with everything on your list, that could be my list too.
ReplyDeleteI like it when people agree with everything I say! Makes life so much easier!
DeleteMine would be
ReplyDeleteHave straight sex
lol no offence
No offence taken.
DeleteThose Wimmin Institooters will be thankful for small mercies, YP. Lol
ReplyDeleteI never want to go on a boat again and I hope I never need an MRI, as my two worst fears are drowning and small spaces. But then, MRIs aren't exactly the kind of thing anyone would put on an actual bucket list, either, so maybe that doesn't count.
Fun post, sir :)
What do you mean by "small" mercies gal?
Deletelol, I didn't mean it the way you took it
DeleteOh! You got me!
DeleteHere goes;
ReplyDeleteDrink fruit flavoured alcoholic drinks,
Drive a car any farther than necessary,
Wear a tuxedo,
Watch any of those scripted reality TV shows
There's probably more if I really put some thought into it.
Have beard shaved off at a Turkish barbershop.
DeleteBecome a church warden.
Sign up for ballet classes.
Become an Olympic badminton champion.
I generally agree with your list. I don't want to visit Rome, Venice or Athens, and I don't want a coffee making machine at home.
ReplyDeleteWhat's wrong with decent quality instant coffee I wonder? Much less fuss.
DeleteNone of those things are on my wish list either - but one of them I have actually done, a long time ago. Guess what? .....
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, in my 20s, I did attend a horse racing event. I lived in Karlstad then, where there is a race court. An American penpal of mine happened to be in town, visiting a relative of hers who lived in K and owned a race horse. So I went with them to see a race. I didn't bet any money but afterwards kind of wished I had - because my penpal's uncle's horse did win the race! ... It was a fun experience but thankfully not enough to get me trapped into to betting on horses. And I can't recall ever having visited another race.
I am glad you managed to wrestle yourself away from a lifetime of ruin caused by betting on horses.
Delete