Gorilla

On the left, I know this will amaze some of you, we have a picture - not of an actual mountain gorilla but of a plastic gorilla moneybox - anatomically accurate in every fine detail - available in large supermarkets right now under the brand name of "Brad the Gorilla". The recommended US retail price is just $4.99 (UK £2.90). One unique feature of this designer money box is the rear slot - not shown in the photograph - into this accommodating slot, owners are invited to insert coins of any size or denomination - activating a typical gorilla alarm cry - "AA - AA - AA - AAAIIIIEEE!"

Buy yours now while stocks last!

Smileys

Having seen interspersed smileys in Friday's Web, I was thinking of making an amusing tale with smileys but it seemed like such hard work so instead I came up with this random display of selected smileys. Wonder how Smiley Central make money? It's all a mystery to me.

Joke

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree".
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly".
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said,"You must put it in here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees" said Tarzan.

I hope that this slightly risqué merriment didn't cause undue offence to readers of this blog. If it did - tough! Do you know any better jokes? Please post one.

Christmas

It's closing in. Already we have passed the winter solstice. Last night, at midnight, I bought a frozen turkey at the 24hr "Tesco". It's thawing in the workshop I dug out under the ground floor of our house. Wherever you go people wish you a happy Christmas and shake your hand or smile. Tonight at "The Banner" public house there was an extension till eleven thirty so I downed two more pints of beer than I had been expecting and chatted with Craig's new love - a lady from Budapest, Hungary.

I swear this world is getting smaller - shrivelling up like a Christmas orange in February. It used to be that travel was exceptional - now it is so passé. When I was a child in my rural primary school, I was the only and I mean only kid who had ever been out of England. Nowadays, you ask a carpenter where he went for his honeymoon and he says Brazil, Mexico, Mauritius or Hawaii. Back then a pub would go quiet as you related tales of the far Pacific of Grecian Isles - now it's like - so what? - ever been to Antarctica - ever lived with a hilltribe in Borneo - ever met six-fingered hillbillies in Pennsylvania - ever witnessed the Northern Lights in the far north of Norway?

I worry about the diversity of this planet. Once we were all pretty different. Travelling was about genuine discovery. Last June I was in the Czech Republic - Brno to be precise - and as I looked down into the valley beyond the railway station there I saw the unmistakable red neon sign of another "Tesco" invasion. Hey! Thanks for letting us in to the lovely Czech Republic, now give us your money and let us suck the lifeblood out of budding local businesses. Call-centres take us to distant Indian cities and starving Ethiopians dress in Manchester United or New York Yankees shirts.

Christmas. But no Christ and no mass. Just the passing of another year and the solstice marking the start of a new year. What will happen in these next twelve months? Who knows? Tsunamis, earthquakes, terrorist outrages, great films, sporting successes, The World Cup in Germany, personal ups and downs. Who knows? To be alive that's the real bonus - with health, no worries about where the next meal is coming from, the prospect of reaching out to touch your dreams.

Bambi

There are so many of these online personality quizzes around and I guess that Retarded Rugrat in British Columbia is the world's authority. So I picked one of her recommended online quizzes only to discover that of all Disney's characters I am most like Bambi! This is pure bull! Nobody who has ever met me would say I was like Bambi! Of all Disney characters I think I am most like Principal Crosby Strickler in the much underrated "Teacher's Pet" or perhaps Gepetto in "Pinnochio". Below, find out which character you are allegedly most like.... and then pick another of your own!

Bambi
Which DISNEY character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

Avatar

So here I am in Avatar form, walking down a winding country path with my cat Boris in tow.
Avatar? Here are are a couple of definitions:-
1. "Among people working on virtual reality and cyberspace interfaces, an avatar is an icon or representation of a user in a shared virtual reality."

2. "In Hinduism, an avatar is a god made visibly present, especially in a human form. The Buddha is considered an avatar of the god Vishnu."

Until today, I thought an "avatar" might be rather like a fighter pilot "Chocks away! Bandit at six o' clock. Isn't it fine to be an avatar high above the clouds! Oh look, there's Brad the Gorilla down there. Aim! Fire! " Oh what a shame - another silverback bites the dust!

Yorkshire

Back in 1974, politicians messed about with England's traditional county boundaries, forgetting important matters such as allegiance, identity, history, regional pride. I will never forgive them for dumping most of East Yorkshire into the new county of Humberside. That arrangement has now been scrapped and after years of pressure we have our lovely East Riding back. However, Yorkshire is still not as it was. The map below shows the ancient Yorkshire boundaries superimposed over the new economic-governmental zones that masquerade as counties. We want Barnoldswick back and Middlesborough and all those harshly beautiful Pennine villages that fat London politicians stole from us, like Empire builders drawing straight lines to make new "countries" in Africa - totally disregarding culture, heritage and traditional enmities. They think we have forgotten their crime but we haven't. I have a dream that one day Yorkshire people will rise up from their chains, reclaim their ancient county boundaries and shout from every hilltop - "Freedom! Freedom! Good God Almighty - Free at last!"

This is what Wikipedia has to say about Yorkshire:-

"Yorkshire is the largest ancient county of England, covering some 6,000 square miles with a population of some five million. It is traditionally divided into West, North and East Ridings (from Old Norse þriðing, "third part", a legacy of the area's ninth century Scandinavian settlers). The county town, York, is not part of any riding.
The emblem of Yorkshire is the White Rose of the House of York, and there is a Yorkshire Day celebrated on August 1. Amongst the celebrations there is a civic gathering of Lord Mayors, Mayors and other Civic Heads from across the county and convened by the Yorkshire Society, in 2004 it was held in Leeds and in 2005 it was held in Bradford. The people of Penistone will be hosting the Civic gathering in 2006. There is also an "anthem" for the county in the form of the folk song "On Ilkla Moor Baht'at" (- On Ilkley Moor without a Hat).
The Yorkshire dialect is colloquially known as "Tyke", and this is also the "affectionate" (!) term for a Yorkshireman, though the term is not universally used by all Yorkshiremen and is virtually non-existent on the North Riding coastline. The social stereotype of a Yorkshireman has a tendency to include such accessories as a flat cap and a whippet. Among Yorkshire's unique traditions is the Long Sword dance, a traditional dance not found elsewhere in England. More recently, Yorkshire has been home to its own genre of techno music, Yorkshire Bleeps and Bass."