18 April 2010

Cleggs

Theirs was a love that defied international boundaries. He was a Cambridge graduate who dabbled in Conservative politics. She was a flamenco dancer from the peasant flavellas of Valladolid. One steamy night in Benidorm, she entranced him, her heels clicking to the plaintive strumming of a Spanish guitar. She said her name was Miriam. He said he was called Nick and that he was sunburnt.

Just below the "Lord Nelson" beach bar, their bottles of "San Miguel" clinked under a sultry Mediterranean moon. He said his mother was Dutch and that his father was half-Russian. She said she was falling in love.

A veritable Casanova with thirty notches on his John Lewis reversible belt, Nick whispered huskily, "We shall have babies Miriam... three boys and we will give them solid English names as would befit a future prime minister. Arthur Clegg after our mythical king. William Clegg after my liberal hero - William Ewart Gladstone. And Jeremy Clegg after the great Paxman of the BBC!"

"No effing way!" screeched Miriam. "We will name them after the fiercest captains of the Spanish Armada - Antonio, Alberto and Miguel!"

"But my little Iberian paella. Those names will not sound right if followed by the solid English surname Clegg... I mean Alberto Clegg? It sounds like a stand up comedian!"

"Well senor unctuous academic with only five years as an MP behind you," leered Miriam. "You either accept my name choices or I'll be making a play for Uncle Vince Cable, the noxioius Labour renegade."

Unable to press his point home, Nick quickly caved in. They were married the following springtime - he in medieval garb and she in a flame red flamenco frock with white spots and puffed sleeves. Instead of "The Wedding March", a David Bowie number was played - "All The Young Dudes" and guests included the investigative broadcaster Louis Theroux who remembered his 80's USA road trip with Mr Clegg when the aspiring politician would sometimes disappear for hours on end for sessions of transcendental meditation. Quite unusual for "Rodeway Inn" guests and often a nasty surprise for Puerto Rican room cleaners.
Vote Liberal Democrat
If you want to look like this!

13 comments:

  1. I love politics in someone else's country. It makes no sense whatsoever. Or is this not supposed to make sense? Sometimes I can't tell with you, you clever dude. It's a fun story anyway.

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  2. The day he can zulu dance like Johnny...then we'll talk.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hj7paXrhOdY&feature=related

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  3. Elizabeth12:19 am

    '...my liberal hero - Disraeli'? Not well up on his politics, this Clegg chap, then??

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  4. JAN BLAWAT Our Clegg is far less British than your Obama is American.
    JEAN I think Johnny Clegg is Nick's cousin. Nick can dance a mean tango in the barrios of Valladolid but is still working on his zulu victory dance.
    ELIZABETH I didn't say Disraeli, I said Gladstone! Ever heard of Specsavers? (He sinks shame-faced into his polo-neck).

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  5. I hope you are not mocking here! I've got his signature from before he was famous (ehem, ehem) and am eagerly awaiting his crowning before putting it on eBay - unless you wish to put in an early offer :)

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  6. BRIAN Clegg is my local MP - even though he seems to spend 99% of his time in London - occasionally coming north to see how well his gardener (previously paid via expenses!) has maintained the grounds of his second home. I'll offer you two pence, a small piece of string and a half-chewed piece of spearmint chewing gum for his autograph. I can't see anybody else bidding higher.

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  7. Whoah! Just one moment there, are you saying that Sheffield folk voted Lib Dem?! Too many (ex)teachers being allowed the vote!

    In that case, presumably you also know that before the tough northern life he now has to endure, he also had the arduous job of being an MEP - the sacrifices our representatives are willing to take for us, eh, it brings a tear to the eye ...

    By the way, reading Wikipedia leads me to two questions. Whereabouts in Sheffield is Chalfont St Giles (and who dares to live there)? And were you the friend in the cacti incident?

    "As a 16-year-old exchange student in Munich, Germany, he was punished with community service, after he and a friend burned a collection of cacti belonging to a professor..."

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  8. BRIAN Thank you for dishing the dirt on our local MP. Wilfully destroying cacti is on a par with David Cameron's marijuana days at Eton. Only Gordon Brown is squeaky clean but I am and always have been a Labour voting automaton.

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  9. Go on, YP, admit it. You were actually writing young Mrs Clegg's dialogue with Penelope Cruz in mind.

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  10. Elizabeth10:38 pm

    I can see that you are a man of such power and influence that you can change someone's political orientation by a few simple finger-clicks. YP,your country needs you. x

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  11. In spite of his freshly scrubbed face and innocent look, Mr. Clegg could never become a leader in America because his teeth are not gleaming white.

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  12. Will my ex-local MP from the posh part of Sheff become the next PM of Britain...

    ...no...

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  13. LYNPE Yes. I admit it. Perhaps one day a film will be made with Penelope Cruz playing Miriam and for Van Cleggski it would have to be Robin Williams.
    ELIZABETH I have no idea what you are implying young lady!
    RHYMES He could do what all other American presidential candidates do - pay vast fees to their dentists and orthodontists. I must admit I think Clegg would look more photogenic with two tombstone sized front teeth - in the manner of Bugs Bunny.
    PADDY O'BOOTH Clegg doesn't represent the humble back streets of Hillsborough from whence you emerged old chap! He's the MP for Sheffield Hallam - a constituency that has the largest concentration of university graduates in the UK. Did you ever finish your degree?

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