Our lovely daughter Frances has just landed another job. Now a mother to two beautiful little girls, she was laid off last summer when her previous company was bought out by a bigger American-based company operating in the same field.
Like her previous firm, the new one is involved in servicing and supporting recruitment agencies. I don't fully understand it all but most of the work is computer-based.
She will be working four days a week - mostly from home but one day a week will be spent down in London and perhaps once a month, she will have to travel up to Glasgow where the company's main office is located.
The salary package is generous but in her field she is both capable and knowledgeable and the new company needed someone with her skills. As luck would have it, the new business's London arm currently consists of three people who were all in her previous company.
As women all over the world have discovered, it is not easy to maintain a career when you are also the mother of small children. There's a lot of balancing to be done and of course in the western world at least, childcare costs can be horrendous. If the truth be known, Frances would much prefer to be a stay-at-home mum but the pressures of modern living seem to oblige most women to get back to work as soon as they can.
Besides, Shirley and I are here and most weeks Frances's mother-in-law will be around too. Such back up can provide a vital lifeline, making a return to work more possible.
Phoebe already goes to nursery school three days a week and we look after her every Thursday but soon we will be playing a bigger caring role with Baby Margot before she is ready to attend the same nursery school.
As I said to Frances the other day, we are happy to look after our granddaughters and in fact consider this role to be a privilege. It's a type of team work and we do not resent our future involvement even though it will make us less free to get away from home whenever we want to go. The bottom line is that we love them.
When I was a lad, my mother was mostly at home though she supplemented the family income by teaching adult evening classes - specialising in "mixed crafts" - including leather work, glove making, basketry, embroidery and lampshade making. She was very talented.
My three brothers and I did not attend any kind of nursery school because there wasn't one and there was no extended family support either because my father's parents were both dead and our maternal grandmother lived up in Newcastle.
The world is different now. Probably more than ever before, we have got to pull together.
The two little girls are very fortunate to have grandparents in their lives.
ReplyDeleteIf it hadn't been for COVID, they might have grown up in London and we would have hardly seen them.
DeleteYour grandchildren are lucky to have grandparents not only alive but close by. Grandparents who love them and have an interest in them; an interest that no paid for "care" can buy. And therein lies the crux. Maybe it's partly a cultural thing but if FOS (father-of-son) and I hadn't been financially able for me to stop working when the Apple of my Eye was born, able to look after him myself, be his reference point, I wouldn't be a mother today. In fact, only a few days ago (mother's day) the Angel and I were talking about that strange concept of "having it all". Well, you can't.
ReplyDeleteBefore I am being misunderstood: The above is no criticism of Frances and/or her husband. I am on the barricades that today's society doesn't make it possible for women to be there - yes, full time - for those they matter the most to, namely their children. Not to forget the continuity of care. A concept that appears to have been lost in the midst of women being forced to emulate men in the workforce. To put it simply: Once upon a time, back in the caves, the man and his bow went hunting, the woman tended the vegetable garden and the brood. Perfect division of labour. Not that I ever saw a child as labour, not even my much younger siblings - being my mother's right hand.
I feel for Frances. Can't be easy, emotionally.
U
Ursula,
DeleteI agree with you completely, the out workings of capitalism are detrimental to family life. Parents and childcare workers all do their best but nobody will invest in a child like their family will. Nobody who spends 8-10 hours a day with a child will understand them like someone who spends 24 hours on many days.
People who are pushed for time and energy will take shortcuts where they can leading to reduced interaction, more convenience foods and so on.
I didn't attend pre-school either. It was less of a thing in the early 70s and mum was at home all the time.
ReplyDeleteMy own children went to childcare one day a week and I looked after them the rest of the time (with some help from my parents)
I never really cared about having a career but after all those years of prioritising family, I have spent a lifetime in entry level jobs and it has become a bit frustrating. Well done to Frances for being so in -demand!
In your day as a young mother it was possible to be largely a stay-at-home mum but I think things have shifted in the last twenty five years.
DeleteYes they have
DeleteI consider it one of my greatest joys to care for the grands. The answer is always yes!!!
ReplyDeleteWe should be willing and not begrudging.
DeleteThat's how families should work; good on you all for stepping up for the grandchildren!
ReplyDeleteGeographical mobility has made this natural process much more difficult.
DeleteThere was a radio talk back session this week discussing child sitting by grandparents and while most were happy to do so for one or two days a week, that was about the maximum they could bear. One very distressed woman looked after two under five year olds for three and a half days a week and she had to collect them and take them home which was costing her around AU$200 a week in fuel. She still did paid work for what totally two days a week. The daughter gave her $40 a week to inadequately cover costs. I felt very bad for her, and she thought if she refused to do so, she wouldn't ever see her grandchildren, or very rarely. Some can do it but it is beyond others, as two great uncles fully understand.
ReplyDeleteI like the traditional way our Aboriginals worked this out, and it is still practised today in some remote areas. The husband goes out hunting, the wife goes out gathering and the older people look after the children, but not single older people. The tribe elders will look after the children, along with educating them and teaching them about their culture. The great benefit is that the care doesn't fall to one person and very strong family/tribal bonds are built as the children grow up.
Impractical for current western lives, I suppose. At least there are the two of you to do the yards.
Yes that is right. Two of us makes it much easier. I like the sound of the traditional Australian Aboriginal approach.
DeleteIt is lovely you are close enough to help out with the grandchildren and I'm sure it helps keep you young.. l shall probably be staggering around on a zimmer frame by the time Kay has children!!
ReplyDeleteI guess that will happen one day. I hope you will still be fit and able to provide some useful support and dish out some grandmotherly love.
DeleteMany of my friends and colleagues have (or had) small children while working, and I really have no idea how they manage it all. One of my friends is American and works for a US-based company. Her online meetings are often late at night, to accomodate the different time zones her bosses, coworkers and clients are in. In those cases, her daughters (almost 8 and 5 1/2 years old) are already in bed.
ReplyDeleteBut school and kindergarden in Germany usually finish around lunch time, and so she only has a few quiet hours in the morning where she can focus on her work. Her husband often works away from home but is very much involved as a Dad, taking his daughters out to the playground, cooking evening meals and so on.
Their home may be far from spic and span, but they are providing those little girls with all the love and support they need while maintaining their careers at the same time. As I said, I don't know how they do it.
It takes a lot of energy I am sure but if they didn't conduct their lives in that way then what might the alternative be?
DeleteI find it sad that women do not have the choice of looking after their children or holding down a job. Both have equal work merit. Don't know if anyone remembers when there was a call for housewives to be paid for the work they did at home. All water under the bridge nowadays and often expensive child care is the only option.
ReplyDeleteSo be happy looking after your two small grandchildren, they will give you great joy.
Already we know for sure how much their presence has enriched our lives.
DeleteGood luck to Frances in her new job. I was lucky to be able to stay at home and care for my 3 boys until the youngest was about 10, and then was only part time work. . I had no help from their grandparents as they were in Leicester, an hour and half drive away.
ReplyDeleteAt the moment the only help I give to my boys is getting a grandson from school once a week, though that will stop in Sept. when he goes to secondary school. There is another , 2 yrs old now, who goes to nursery 4 days a week and I might be able to help out when he goes to school ( if I can still drive!!)
You might have to get taxis.
DeleteHow lucky Phoebe and Margot are to have such caring grandparents - it's a very special bond.
ReplyDeleteI never knew such a bond with my own grandparents. My paternal grandfather died three weeks before I was born.
DeleteI'm with you, if our daughter calls, we go, every time, it's part of our role as parents, which did not stop when our children left home. Like you we did not have any nursery in the village we lived, we played with neighbours and learnt things from each family. The world today is vastly different, I do feel for the mother today, they work hard to pay some one to do the role they want to do.
ReplyDeleteAnd in spite of what our present government claim, costs in that area just keep on rising.
DeleteYou and Shirley are going to do a wonderful job and Phoebe and Margot will get to know and love you even more. I didn't go back to work until my youngest was in school, though I probably would have welcomed an extra income. Before that I looked after the children of other working mums in my own home along with my kids, for a small payment, certainly I didn't charge as much as childcare businesses.
ReplyDeleteThe trouble with Phoebe is she now likes to hide under the dining table - claiming that it is her "cave".
DeleteOf course and let it be her cave as long as she needs it to be. Throw a big blanket over it to make it a proper cave.
DeleteChildcare should be free and companies should either provide facilities or pay for it. Children are the workforce of the future.
ReplyDeleteIf governments can provide free state schooling why can't they pay for nursery schooling and decent child care from the age of two?
DeletePheobe and Margot's knowledge of the Peak District will be so encyclopedic by the time they are in their teens, they will be writing books and running walking holidays.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I could put them off rambling for life!
DeleteYou will be closer to your granddaughters because of this and will be a much bigger part of their early lives. Everyone wins! I'm really happy for you, Shirley, and of course Margot and Phoebe!
ReplyDeleteWell-observed Jennifer and thank you.
DeleteMy oldest son's No 2 wife is in charge of all the Duty Free at Gatwick, but she has no children. My other son's wife is a lady of leisure. My daughter, who has two boys, runs Australia's electricity (well, almost).
ReplyDeleteI didn't realise that Kimbo was childless - if indeed I have read this right.
DeleteAn un-asked, un-answered question, my grandparents lived on the same farm, and I don't recall my grandmother ever watching the kids when I was young. I will never know if my mother didn't want it, or if my grandmother declined the opportunity. I spent a lot of quality time with my grandmother in my teens.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you were born at the tail end of an era when it was more or less expected that one's mother would do the majority of child rearing - not palming her kids off on grandparents.
DeleteI took care of my first two grandchildren several days a week and was glad to do it but it wasn't always easy. I do feel closer to those boys because of it. What this discussion seems to be missing is the father's participation in this situation. It is just assumed in so many instances that he will obviously be off to work and that any childcare arrangements are the mother's to work out because childcare is the mother's responsibility. Why is this?
ReplyDeleteAnd I disagree with Ursula about how "perfect" it used to be when men went out hunting and women "tended the vegetable garden and the brood." First of all, in some societies women also hunted. Gathering was probably far more practiced than gardening. Neither are easy. And there was so much more to it than that. Food preservation for one thing, is vastly time-consuming but also necessary. And food preparation. The finding and carrying of water. The making of vessels to hold what is gathered or grown. Let's not kid ourselves- there has never been a time in the history of humanity when either sex had it easy. Grandparents have been an integral part of this whole thing forever and many believe that the reason women can remain strong and vital for years after their childbearing days are over is that the families who had a grandmother (yep- a grandMOTHER) to help with the children survived and thrived more frequently than those without, passing down the strong grandmother genes to the following generations.
I agree entirely with your second paragraph Mary. By the way, Frances's husband Stewart is a very hands-on father, fully involved in his daughters' upbringing and conveniently he often works from home.
DeleteI was cared for by my maternal grandparents a lot of the time as my mother suffered depression and couldn't look after me.
ReplyDeleteMy grandma died when i was 12, my grandfather when I was 17. They were wonderful. I have such lovely memories of them. That was their gift to me even though they probably didn't realise at the time. I think of them every single day.
Your two sweethearts will reap the joys all their lives.
It makes me smile to think of the special bond you had with your maternal grandparents. What a precious gift indeed!
DeleteIt's nice you are close enough and able to help.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that my sons that are fathers are very involved in taking care of the kids and don't leave it to the mothers alone.
In a more "natural" world, you would live just round the corner with your love and care available "on tap".
DeleteCongratulations on finding ways to solve the "puzzle" between you that seem likely to work out for all! :)
ReplyDeleteI guess it gives our lives extra meaning in retirement.
DeleteI think it is so wonderful that you can be a part of your grandchildren's lives. In today's society, where both parents have to work, people are lucky to have grandparents near by that are willing to be a part of the caretaking.
ReplyDeleteAs I say, we are happy to assist. Phoebe and Margot and not just any old kids - they are our flesh and blood and we love them.
DeleteI too help out as much as I can with my grandsons but have no desire to do full-time daycare. And to be honest, the one in my older daughter's family who should stay home with the children is her husband. However, he's also the primary wage earner. You will enjoy the time with your granddaughters and everyone will benefit from the bonding!
ReplyDeleteAre you saying that in spite of being the principal breadwinner, your daughter's husband should and could provide a lot more practical care?
DeleteOh, heavens, no. My son-in-law is an extremely involved dad and would make an excellent stay at home dad; he's patient, fun and loving with his two little boys. My daughter is a great mom, but has a PhD and would like to work in her field.
DeleteFrances and Stu (or Stew?) are fortunate to have you and Shirley so close by. That's a luxury many young people don't have in our modern, mobile society. Sometimes I think it's a shame we don't often have multiple generations all living together like other cultures do!
ReplyDeleteIt's Stew and I guess you witnessed some of that generational care in Morocco.
DeleteWe have always had a great relationship with our 2 grandchildren in this country, from looking after them while parents are working, picking them up from nursery/school and having them to stay at the weekends. Luckily we only live 5 minutes apart. We don't have the same relationship with our granddaughter in Canada as we don't see her so much and we feel she really misses out on family time. Happy that they're coming over in the summer for a visit.
ReplyDelete