In the entire history of humanity has a more annoying invention than the vacuum cleaner ever been unleashed upon the world? In Great Britain, we have called them "Hoovers" for decades even when referring to vacuum cleaners produced by other, equally annoying companies. I associate the "Hoover" brand with instruments of torture and psychological injury.
I realise that my detestation of vacuum cleaners is probably illogical but I just cannot help it. When a vacuum cleaner is noisily sucking away at nearby floor surfaces, my blood pressure rises like The Emperor Fountain at Chatsworth House.
Some time in the late 1950s or early 60s, my mother bought an upright "Hoover" in a military livery of dark blue and light grey. It had a fabric bag at the back in which the machine's bulging paper stomach was concealed. Every so often this had to be emptied or replaced.
I can picture my mother now - plugging that sucker in - her eyes kind of wild like those of a malevolent torturer. Then she would get cracking, just as I was reading a book or making a model car from balsa wood or watching "Blue Peter". The humming/whining noise went on for hours in every bedroom and over every inch of carpet.
Suddenly, respite would happen when the foot-switch was finally pressed. The dreaded noise abated like the end of an air-raid siren warning in World War II. What blessed relief! And then it would start up again... as Mum began to tackle the stairs. Aarrgh!
One of the worst things was when she asked me or other male occupants of my house to lift our feet so that she could hoover under us. Our family cat, Oscar, had a second sense about our "Hoover". It was as if she (yes, she!) could read my mother's intentions before the terrible appliance was pulled out from its shadowy cupboard under the stairs. For that is where it resided when not in use, its electrical wire wrapped around its carcass like a tangled liana vine in a dank jungle.
As I write this blogpost, my darling wife has chosen this very moment in time to use our "Dyson" vacuum cleaner. While I was doing things out in the garden - like feeding the birds and repairing some wind damage - she must have been waiting inside for me to re-enter the house before turning the bloody thing on. Whirring and vrooming - like sitting directly beneath an aeroplane's engine as it idles on the runway before take off. Horrible!
However, I have a confession to make. Back in 1991, I accidentally spilled some dry porridge oats on our hallway carpet. Shirley was out at the time so I bravely yanked my nemesis from the pantry, plugged it in and sucked up those oats in less than two minutes flat. Afterwards, I had to sit down with a mug of tea and a milk chocolate digestive biscuit in order to recover. Never again!
As I have said to Dave over at "Northsider", the man or woman who manages to invent a totally silent vacuum cleaner should be awarded an international medal or perhaps The Nobel Peace Prize. Why has it not happened yet? Look at the things that ingenious humans have created but still nobody has managed to come up with a silent vacuum cleaner. Is that too much to ask for?
* © G Laird (2019) Geograph
We sing from the same hymn sheet on this subject Mr Pudding. 2025 and nobody can invent a silent vacuum cleaner. Bring back house coats and Ewbanks.
ReplyDeleteWe sing from the same hymn sheet:-
DeleteAll things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful,
the Lord God made them all...
...but he did not make Hoovers!
Perhaps on the 8th day he did a long with Newky Brown?
DeleteVacuums do not bother me at all, Neil. I am bothered by the leaf blowers that roar outside when people are working on their yards.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that you are a regular vacuum cleaner operator Ellen! You should be punished.
DeleteYou should get a Roomba. They are much quieter and they do all of the work!
DeleteIsn't a Roomba a South American dance... or maybe a drinking establishment for kangaroos.
DeleteI actually like vacuuming, and since I'm usually on the active rather than passive side of vacuum cleaner use, I can't identify with hating them! I reserve that hatred for leaf-blowers.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how Dave feels about your vacuuming?
DeleteI'm sure he hates it. LOL
DeleteNext birthday get him some ear muffs!
DeleteSteve, I am absolutely with you on leaf blowers!! If I were Queen of Germany, my first act in office would be to ban all such monsters.
DeleteI don't generally hoover. I leave it until P notices the dust and then he retrieves the Sebo from the understairs cupboard and whizzes it around the house like a whirling dervish. Being deaf helps too.
ReplyDeleteDo you make Lord Pee wear a red a white gingham pinafore?
DeleteHumm - how do you feel about a kitchen mixer sound or a power screwdriver or electric sander? Do all those motor sounds affect you the same way?
ReplyDeleteI have no problem with the other items you listed Ana but I admit I have an aversion to washing machines and tumble dryers. Thanks for calling round and leaving a comment.
DeleteI love vacuums. You obviously don't live with dogs that shed, all the time, or you too would learn to love a Hoover:)
ReplyDeleteSo I'm guessing Shirley has to do all the vacuuming. I know you cook. Do you do laundry? Clean bathrooms? A window into the life of Mr. Pudding.
I do all the grocery shopping and all the cooking (except baking). Unfortunately, I am allergic to cleaning.
DeleteNo, but Dyson invented the noisiest ever. Shirley must have it in for you. We got rid of ours and bought a Miele. Much quieter.
ReplyDeleteI thought that Miele was a kind of honey.
DeleteYou can get (relatively) quiet vacuum cleaners, as TD mentions. I bought a Miele last year because the smaller vacuum cleaner I had was so noisy and high-pitched that I found using it very unpleasant and as a result the vacuuming didn't get done as often, if at all. The Miele is much quieter.
DeleteSome of your rage against the machine seems really to be against being disturbed when you are peacefully DOING NOTHING. One solution would of course be to do the vacuuming yourself.
I don't think he does housework.
DeleteOur Miele had adjustable suction, from gentle and quiet to very noisy and can't pull it off the carpet.
How can I do the vacuuming when I have hooverphobia? The idea is so bloody insensitive - maybe even cruel!
DeleteI spent the first many years of my adult life using my grandmother's antique Electrolux vacuum. It had runners on it. Not wheels. Runners. The kids called it "The Dead Pig" because that's what dragging it around was like.
ReplyDeleteYou can complain about the noise all you want but consider this- if your wife did not vacuum, thus keeping the house peaceful, it would become littered with dust and dirt and how much would you enjoy that? Also- do you think she enjoys the sound of the damn thing as she does all the work? Most likely NOT.
I feel as though you have just spanked me Mer!
DeleteMaybe you should swap carpets for laminate floors and a broom - that won't make any noise! Alternatively, you can go with the flow and do the hoovering yourself and whistle over the noise.
ReplyDeleteShould I wear a nylon house coat and put rollers in my hair?
DeleteThe noise of a pressure washer ( jet spray ) on patio slabs etc.drives me mad, they’re usually used during the warmer months and the noise goes on for hours and hours 😡😡😡…
ReplyDeleteI am quite skilled with a pressure washer Tweetart.
DeleteI'll take a vacuum cleaner over a leaf blower any day - I could quite happily throttle the person who invented that noisemaker!
ReplyDeleteLeaf blowers blow leaves and then the wind blows them back again.
DeleteBoth of my hoovers are presently broken so we are quite overwhelmed with hair of the dog. My daughter had a central system in her new house with the motor in the basement. It's ever so quiet!
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean "a central system" Karen? Do you mean central heating system?
DeleteI'm with you on noisy vacuum cleaners. However since I do most of the vacuuming here I make the noise.
ReplyDeleteHas The Micro Manager trained you Red?
DeleteInstead of asking you to lift your feet when she was hoovering, your mother should have asked you lot to do the job! Don't they say "boys and their toys", and isn't it assumed that somehow all members of the male species love to use machines of any kind? So why not the vaccuum cleaner?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I have a (cordless) Dyson, too. It takes me 10 to 15 minutes every Friday to hoover the laminated and tiled floors of my flat, with an occasional need for a shorter in-between session during the week. Then the mop and bucket do their work, and hey presto my flat is as clean as I want it to be.
There's just one problem Meike... I am hooverphobic and proximity to a hoover gives me severe anxiety issues.
DeleteI love the reference to the Chatsworth House fountain. But it is an old man fountain and doesn't spurt to the height it used. Lots of leakage, you see.
ReplyDeleteMy sister has a Bosch stick vacuum cleaner and it is very quiet, but doesn't really suck anything up from the floor.
Have you tested the Bosch's sucking strength?
DeleteI agree the noise is annoying and hope someone somewhere manages to invent a silent machine. I used to enjoy vacuuming, watching all the nameless bits of stuff getting sucked up and disappearing forever. These days it hurts my back having to manouver the thing around furniture and try to get it under the bed properly, plus it scares the cat, so I leave it until absolutely necessary.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you pretend that your back is worse than it is and get a family member to do your vacuuming?
DeleteI thought I'd commented. Obviously got sidetracked. We always had a cylinder Hoover but a neighbour had an upright Goblin. As a result the generic name hoover for me only applies to cylinder models. The rest is obvious. However you've given me a blog post!
ReplyDeleteI thought that all goblins were upright - except when they are sleeping or have fallen over outside the goblin pub.
DeleteJust be thankful that you're not a female YP, and expected to do the hoovering!
ReplyDeleteI hate all housework especially vacuuming, but have a variety of vacuum cleaners - an ancient "upright" Dyson, (the best vacuum I've ever had, but noisy), a Henry, which my cleaner uses, and battery operated Bosch Animal which is much quieter but limited to the amount of dog hair it will pick up. This vacuum only comes out when I notice the build up of dog hair (imagine what that was like when we had three big dogs!) or crumbs on the kitchen floor. My cleaner comes once a week and that's usually the only time every room gets vacuumed. Left to me I'd just do the bits I could see.
I have a leaf blower too, it's cumbersome, very efficient and cleans up quickly, but I only use it occasionally - I hate the noise!
You have a cleaner! Good heavens Carol - I didn't realise that you are stinking rich!
DeleteAdd the the incessant noise, my mother growling "why did I have kids if they don't clean the house" and it has taken me years to not cringe at the sight and sound of the cursed machines. We have a robot vacuum cleaner, he is not as noisy, and not very bright.
ReplyDeleteI can tell that you are also hooverphobic David. Do you think we would benefit from counselling?
DeleteVacuuming is a thankless task, like all housework. I hate it all.
ReplyDeleteIs blogging a household task?
DeleteAre you still living in the 1950s?? Do the job yoursef - then YOU will be in control of the noise - not just anxiously waiting for it to start/end. (And instead of you going through the ordeal of having to lift your feet, someone else might get the chance to put theirs up...) ... I've only ever seen those upright hoovers on TV and always wondered why those seem to be preferred in the US and Britain. Ours are of the "cylinder" kind with a long hose. One can also usually adjust the sucking power, and with that also the noise. Or at least I can on the one I have now, which is probably around 15 years old.
ReplyDeleteYou do not seem to understand that I am hooverphobic Monica. What you propose is like making an arachnophobe spend the night in a glass tank filled with spiders! British vacuum operators just don't like hulking those cylinder models around.
Delete